Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Week 11 - Good riddance, 2015

I don't even know where to start.

Fact is: 2015 sucked. Majorly. Which I think I mentioned in my previous post XD seriously though, it's worthy of mentioning again. I hate 2015. Glad it's nearly over.

What I hate most about this year is that I've had to - or, rather, I just did - put nearly everything creative on hold. At some point during the summer, the workhours and stress became crushing and, with no vacation in sight until the next year, I kinda just gave up on 'life', and focussed on surviving. It's only been since last week, when my workhours were slightly cut, that I've started being able to breathe again. And, with a vacation coming up in four days, I'm feeling good. Not great, but good: still have three out of six workdays to plow through. Let it be said, writing has become a chore for me. Even this post is demanding more brainpower than what I have left. This makes me so, so sad.

As has happened before, I let my job take over my life. I worked too many hours (did not really have a choice (though I say you always do, but the choice is to not be a dick towards your colleagues)), invested myself enormously, and in the end I don't even know if I'll get a real contract this year. A part of me does wonder if I really want one anyway - the other part realizes it's being overworked and basically sick and tired of working in itself that's making me say that: let's see what a week off will do, first, to improve my outlook. For me, the important thing is that my outside job allows for time and energy to do my inside job. So far... I'm just disappointed with everything, especially myself (although myself would argue that she put all the energy she had, and more, into this year, and I should shut up and start being positive << )

So, positive. Let's be positive.

... yeah, no. The year has sucked. XD seriously though, the only positive I can take out of this year is that I have work, and vacation time, and awesome colleagues, and had a great X-mas at the parents'-in-law with my parents too, and New Year's Eve will be here at home with parents and closest friends and it will be awesome. And, I cross-stitched some. And that seems like so little, considering a year is 365 days long. I don't know. I just want 2015 to be over with. (oh, and, nearly forgetting the Within Temptation concert dear god how shameful e________e )

I don't know if it shows that I have a hard time writing. I really do. I'm so out of practice. And tired. But, whatcha gonna do.

Also, I'm doing a personal take on the suckage of 2015, but, world events have heavilly contributed to this year being an awful one.

With all this said, I did manage to finish the year with some artisticness.

Writing: still nothing. This will be a hard one to pick up again, as I've basically stopped caring.

Art: did a drawing for the group KamiFrenchCreation over on Deviantart, for Secret Santa ^^

Really happy with how it turned out, and my Santee liked it too :D what I'm disappointed about though is that I haven't gotten my gift yet. At this point, I don't even care anymore. I'd even rather get no gift, as the upset will make it hard to thank the Secret 'Santa'. Btw: I'm also upset for the other people who haven't gotten their gift yet, and those who made one that hasn't even been seen yet (one exception being that a person who owes art has been online, and not bothered to let the group know how late they'll be). Yeah yeah, joyful holidays and all that crap << XD

Other: time's been limited, so this is the final pic for 2015:



Challenge: Yeah no not this week.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Week 10 - And thus the year almost ends...

Let's be honest: this year has sucked, oh so hard, creativity-wise. Aside from working on my cross-stitch, I've been at a complete creative standstill. I've felt exhausted for months. Gotten tired of the way my world looks. Little bit of life-hating thrown into the mix.

As of this week, my workhours were reduced after requesting it. Going from 28 to 24, though financially a dumb move, is a smart move on all accounts. After all, once you're spent (and it's gotten increasingly clear I am spent with how many times I've hurt myself the last few weeks), once you break, you're done. That's financially worse. So, thinking long-term, we went for the 24-hour week which, considering my job's physically and mentally demanding nature, was a necessary choice. I can't keep living like I'm not. I've given enough.

This said, my 10-days vacation is starting on new year's day ^______^ YAY VACATION OMG. And I plan on asking for some more in March and in June, because dear god I seriously deserve it (and, y'know, vacation time needs to get used).

Taking a little moment right here to say how long it's been since I sat down and took the time to write. Even if it is a blogpost. As said, this year has sucked. Majorly. And I don't know what 2016 will look like, but I think it'll largely depend on how much space I allow my job to take up in my personal life. I'm not in an emotional situation right now to judge how well I'll fare, so... We'll be getting where we want to get, one step at a time.

This end of year, starting yesterday, is all about setting the year I want into motion. Wait, what, yesterday?

That's right.


Yesterday was Within Temptation's Black X-mas concert in Tilburg, Holland, which we attended along with my bf's quickly-becoming-best-friend.

D'aww. Mine's the left one XD

It was so. Fucking. Great. To see my absolute favorite band perform live. For X-mas. Which was gothirific.



And I looked awesome, thanks to my oh so talented mother-in-law who managed to sew me a costume fitting the dresscode ('dark creatures') within a week!

Come, Children, and embrace the dark. X3

I can't begin to express -especially without freaking crying XD;- how much this evening has meant to me. How much it means to have watched Within Temptation live, to have had their music literally drum through my body and soul, to watch their energy and their love for their fans and their art filling the entire scene. I feel envigorated again, happy, ready to get that soul's blood pumping again through the music that has been with me since their breakthrough in 2001. Their music is quite literally my soulfood. I need it. And having gotten some live energy, accompanied by my two cute lil' Wannabe-Vampires, has made life good again.

So, with 2016 in sight, what have I accomplished this past week and a half?

Writing: no writing - but, as often, much thinking, and watching characters talk, hypothetical scenes unfold, and the world evolve into a yet darker version of what it once was. Necromancers play a great part in my story, and their influence has kept spreading in my mind from town to town, from corrupted rulers to greedy opportunists, with the world's asphyxiation as result. It's a dark, dark place to be in, with few sparks of light remaining. Dark, dark place. ... damn do I like these places << XD

Drawing: well, I've gotten a sketch done today for the Secret Santa over on a group I'm a part of on Deviantart - meaning I can't share it. I'm really late starting it, as is my bad habit, but at the very least I know what I want to go for, so I should be done in time for x-mas :)

Other: very little evolution on the stitching part, so I'm not going to share it for now. Nothing else to report.

Challenge: ehh I'm gonna refrain from issuing a challenge for the good reason I have a 6-day workweek coming up, from 26th to 31st, and I have still so much to get ready for the end of year party at our house. So I guess getting ready for that is my challenge XD

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Week 8,5 - Where does time fly to?

Shitty week. Leave it to me to manage to hurt myself the day before having two days off.

In one word: OW.

I ran into metallic bars by the register on Friday noon. This is what it looks like today:


It spread every which way. I can walk almost normally now. And that's that.

I was going to make a far more elaborate post, but the fact is I just don't have the energy. This sums me up right now:


So onto the other stuff:


Started 'work' on the dress. It looks like I'll be delegating all the work to my mother-in-law. She at least knows what she's doing.


Evolutioooooooon.

Now I'm trying to get Sims 2 to work, as I've finally upgraded my dying Windows XP to Windows 10. So far, so good. Just can't get the game to install properly.Found some solutions, but haven't gotten them to work... Thankfully, I'd copied everything before changing Windowses. Even the installed files. Which might be my only salvation. We shall see.

And that is all for now. PC needs a reboot, as my EA uninstallation is stuck on 1% e____________e

Monday, November 30, 2015

Week 07 - Time getting short & other things

Less than a month until Within Temptation's Black X-Mas :x and I want to sew a dress for it (the dresscode being 'dark creatures'), but it doesn't look like time will permit. Especially since I don't know what I'm doing XD

Seriously. This is, like... Chinese to me.

Gonna have to ask for some help with it, hoping I can still scrounge enough time to do it in << work hasn't allowed for much. As again, challenge not completed, AND I'm posting a day late. I've been extremely tired and dizzy every morning to the point of mentally breaking.

Then I looked up symptoms, and figured out what I, basically, had already figured out.

I've been drinking a lot of coffee lately: not so much for need to, but for need to - you know, like junkies do. Completely addicted to the stuff and, as my job's pretty physical, it gets tiring, and coffee always seems like the solution... until you get so depressed you don't want to get up in the morning, can't see or think straight, and are basically tearing apart at the seams. Sadly, I'm not even close to joking.
The dizziness was already a pretty useful clue. According to my Googling, it could be due to low blood pressure - which, considering other symptoms like excessive fatigue and a physical job, felt like the ideal suspect. Then I looked up triggers for low blood pressure and, lo and behold, there it was: caffeine overdose. Now, I'm not one to blindly follow the advice of the internets, but here it all makes the kind of sense that's like: hey, so that is possible! And here we are, a few days later and several coffee lesser, and the symptoms are all but gone. I did have a morning coffee because I was feeling a bit nauseated and hot milk didn't sound appetizing, but the difference between today and a few days ago is huge. Which leads me to another topic I've been pondering: the physiological aspect of depression.

Let's take a moment to wrap our minds about the fact coffee was making me feel very, very depressed. Considering it had a clear impact on my blood pressure, which in turn lead to some brain-wiring short-circuiting, I have been wondering a lot about the genetic/inescapable quality of what I shall call chronic depression (be it said: what I call 'depression' I do so knowing it is what it is, and it has nowhere near the impact of what deep, rooted clinical depression does to you (since I also do know what that is << )).
Here's the thing: my first encounter with depression, and immediately also my worst, was 20 years ago due to being bullied. Ok, blame the bullies. Skip to now: all I have to blame is... coffee. Nothing more, nothing less. It's of course nowhere near as bad as what I've known, but it's still deserving of its denomination, as it saps all joy for life and desire to go forward.

Here's the bigger picture: let's consider that depression can be caused by a physical fact (caffeine overdose) as much as an emotional fact (being heavily bullied); now, what if they're not the cause at all, but merely a trigger. What if the inclination towards depression was there all along, be it genetic or just a circuit that wasn't wired properly at birth, or even just some incident that caused a physical imbalance; what if (and this might sound actually depressing XD) depression was basically coded into certain individuals' DNA and is basically not technically caused by outside factors, but simply by one's own encoded reactions to certain triggers? Kind of like how kids born in alcoholic households have far more risks to become addicted themselves. This hypothesis does mean that you're doomed to suffer because it's just the way you're drawn made; Personally, I like this hypothesis because it takes away the guilt of feeling depressed. It even takes away lingering anger towards people in the past, because it places events in a new perspective: yes, it's their fault for bullying me, but no, it's not their fault I got depressed (noting here: bullying is never okay; it's not because I can give it a spot in my life, that kids should endure it; I'm 35 and have had lots of hindsight, but teens can't deal with depression on their own; bullying, and ensuing depression, kills).

Then perhaps, it's all just speculation. I like to speculate << as a writer, I basically don't have a choice XD. It's just interesting to think about. It also lessens the stress of feeling depressed - instead of it being a bad bad thing, it's just another fact of life. One that can be taken advantage of, when you like to write sad stuff << XD seriously though, I'm feeling even more at ease with it now. Kind of like discovering yet another aspect of your self, and accepting it's there. Just wish it could help anyone beside myself :/

Anyway, it's time for some fun stuff now :D

Writing: Yeah, no. Still not happening. The low blood pressure made it impossible for me to focus on anything. I've basically done nothing at all ;____;

Drawing: I so totally wish, but nope. Best I've done is some logical drawing puzzles:

I guess it's better than nothing.

Other: again, herein we shine :D


Challenge: the dress! Work on it! Do anything, even if it's just figuring out how the hell this all works! Time is of the essence here XO

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Week 06 - Stitching!

I want to start this blog off with this: an old friend of mine sent me a message. It matters because we've been 'at war' for a few years. She sent a message in regards with the current events in Belgium, which is my country, hoping that we're safe here. Aside from the fact it must've taken a lot from her to send me a message, perhaps worrying how I might take it (truth is, I could've cried tears of joy - I'm still holding them in), let's take a moment to embrace care and compassion trumping hate/dislike/whatever she has felt/still feels regarding me.

I really need to write my book. I really want my story of greater love prevailing against everything, even at high cost. I really need to do a lot of things; may I have time to do them all.

Also: thank you, old friend. Thank you so much. I'm glad the person I used to call friend is alive within you. And, selfishly, I'm glad to know I still matter to you. It's something I really needed to know. It's something that allows me to care again, unconditionally, no matter what happens. I know you care, and that is more than what I could've ever asked for.

Now, to cut the tear-jerking short XD: I've been a bit active this week, creatively. The good news is also that I'll soon work a few less hours. I've reached the point of destruction: often dizzy, often exhausted, bodyaches, and the underrated IfeellikesomuchcrapIthinkI'mgonnacryohgodsno. So, yeah. Small worries to be sure, but small worries is what keeps you level-headed when faced with world-shattering events. Think small, but don't close your eyes to the bigger picture. As you worry about what dish you'll cook the coming day, have a thought for the people who died - for the families who mourn lost ones. Be strong for those who are weak. And don't forget that all victims matter.

Writing: no writing per se, but a lot of thinking about my Nalyn.

One more thing I need to work on ;_;

That pic actually quite defines what I've been thinking about: his clothes. Now, Nalyn's a ruthless, loudmouth warrior who doesn't think twice about many things: it's kill or be killed (also: kill first, ask questions later). But Nalyn has his issues. A whole bunch of 'em. So many I can't begin to describe how much is wrong with that man. And the main issue he has with the pic up there is that he'd never be caught dead looking like that in the open. See, wearing tight/fitting pants is kind of a requisite when you're a warrior; but what I hadn't considered is the fact he'd never have his stuff that damn visible because oh so many mental issues. So, I figured he'd wear the pants, and some shirt or other fitting enough to be comfortable for fighting, and ample enough to keep him well covered.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, are the things I sometimes think about. Hey, it's character building <<

Drawing: none this week, but damn will I have to rework that pic of Nalyn. Looking at it burns. Especially the totally-not-right pants area. ... I do like his chest, though. I've had mental images of drawing him with his back to the viewer, taking off his shirt (because fangirling my own character), but in the pic he'd be lifting it just enough to show off the really ugly scars underneath. ... I luff that man. ;_;

Other: as usual, this is what I've been working on the most,a nd it's coming along well :D


Currently done with the purple, next step is the garnet, and then filling up all the diamonds. So far, I'm really pleased with the progress :) despite making a mistake that, luckilly, was easy to recover - as pics below show:

On the left, in the middle, is the mistake I discovered as I started work on the purple: at some point, it didn't align with the blue. After checking the pattern, I realized I'd misread the placement of the row. Fortunately I managed to untie my stitching, and then I placed them correctly. Good rule of thumb is to not work on this when i'm exhausted as tempting as it is e.e

Challenge: well, I fulfilled the previous one, since 'all' I was supposed to do was be creative. I don't know the energy I'll have, nor the time, but I'd like to manage to work on the Nalyn pic up above and, at the very least, make the clothing more accurate for his character. We'll see how this goes!

Monday, November 16, 2015

Week 05 - Standstill

Haven't achieved anything the past week - not even this blog. Late shifts, filled days, led to a good week nonetheless... just not in Crea-Land. And let's not mention exhaustion (I slept 11 hours, still exhausted). I've been drained for a couple months, but it's reaching its peak. My arms hurt, fingers feel bruised, and I just want to curl back into bed and forget the world exists.

Writing: no writing per se, but some fun daydreams and character building and suches. I really need to take a break from my current story and work on something else within the world, like other characters. Even though I really need to finish what I'm working on (damn those history-altering characters!), I also really need to visit other places. Perhaps it'll be a good time to edit other works.

Drawing: just the thought of picking up a pencil and paper makes my brain groan in despair.

Other: alas, I haven't done much in other areas either. Stitching takes a lot of time that I haven't had. I managed a little thing early in the week, and didn't pick up the needle again. I don't know how this week will be in that regard.

Challenge: apparently the previous challenge was already too much asked, so I'll go with this: do anything creative. The fact this is in itself currently challenging makes me very sad.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Week 04 - Vacation bad

It was a long, stressful week at work, resulting in little time for anything creative. I actually just now finished my challenge for the week << which is no real feat since I just had to write one paragraph. Apparently.

Writing: 

None were fast enough to hold the young man back: he slipped away with ease, almost causing his comrades to accidentally reveal their presence by calling out to him. The Alweiran beasts' ears twitched as the young man made his way through thick shrubbery, but none of them dared move, and so he reached the back of the wagon with but a few scratches from particularly sharp branches. He reached a hand for one of his wounds, and dropped dead.

I already had the first sentence, the rest I just wrote, and with it I conclude another chapter because it's a (fun) weird way to finish it XD I can feel it's been forever since I wrote anything. Again. And that I wrote myself into a corner. Again. XD

I kind of know where to go from here. We'll see how it goes.

Art: nothing so far. I know I still have 'Dream' to do. Not forgetting. <<

Other: some progress made:



In other news, I have this very annoying feeling that something really bad is going to happen sometime between my birthday and the end of year. I don't know what, I don't think it will be directly relevant to us, but I feel as though it'll give the world pause for a second. Considering the current state of affairs, I suppose it's not unusual to feel this way, so I guess this feeling relates to it? I don't know. I can but hope energy will shift and whatever it is, will be averted - for, as Tarot is but a warning and not a certainty, I do believe events can be averted. And here I go sounding nuts XD oh well. Choosing to think of X-mas and decorations and what we'll be eating (I'm thinking gratin dauphinois).

Much more fun to think about.

For now I feel lost in between two states of being. Kind of not finding myself, while having hold of me nonetheless. I think I haven't Dragonized enough lately << which reminds me that I still want to write a book app with Dragons. I just need someone to take care of the software part << *hintHINT*

Challenge: I won't be expecting too much this week considering I have an annoying workweek ahead with too many late shifts. I can't do much in the morning. So, I'll make it broad with: draw something. Anything. However I want/manage.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Week 03 - Sort of productive

I suppose the main achievement is that I completed my writing challenge, and even managed to write two bar scenes: both with the same character, at different points in time. It was pretty interesting to feel the difference.

Writing: just the bar scenes. I planned on writing more of them, but somehow I lost the motivation to do so... or, rather, I just wanted to stick to the other character, but alas I had nothing else to write about him XD been thinking though about my current main writing (featuring Ine and the Alweira), about little details I missed while writing the current scene, and how I can still right the wrong.

Art: myes well I was supposed to sketch out the Dream, and I sorta did: ...in my head. << so challenge semi-completed. I know what I want to do, the trick will be to match the vision to the reality.

Other: my best achievement of the week (along with getting the Champion Season achievement on Diablo 3 because gamer):



Challenge: alright, for this week I'd really like to continue writing about Ine and getting that chapter completed. I don't think I've far to go to get it done, but considering how difficult it is for me currently to write, it's a worthy challenge.
And, sketch out Dream on paper. Dammit. <<

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Challenge complete: Bar scene

As I'd mentioned, I wanted to do something in the vein of Big Hero 6's animated intro scene where they had their characters walk into a café to get an idea of their personality. Here's the first of these scenes, which will be figuratively split in half. What do I mean by that? I will be writing two scenes with this particular character: one in a distant past before the occurrance of a life-altering event, the second well after said event. So it's not just an exercise in character voice, but also in character evolution and comparison.

* * *

Devon shook his hood, lightly, dusting off the amassed snow like white fluffy rain. Then, after a short moment of thoughtless contemplation, he looked up at the skies.
The night was dark; cold and wet, a typical weather during the Snows. He was hungry; not yet a potential threat for passerby, not even blinded yet to the world surrounding him. There was time, still, to enjoy the beauty of the stars and wonder why their sight warmed his heart. Was it just misplaced sensibility? Or was it these lights, these tiny speckles of light lost amid vast seas of darkness, that stirred memory and sorrow?
I'm sorry.
He shook his head as memories surfaced and forced them back into the depths. Then he took a look around, his eyes narrow in the dying light of nearby lanternposts, and spotted a weathered signpost. He could barely make out the fading lettering beneath a damaged carving of a mug:
The Divine Intruder
Devon snorted. He'd be surprised if they were still in business, and if they were, whether they still served any drinks that were neither stale from age or, as the worn sign somehow suggested to him, poisonous. On the other hand however, a place like this –ruined and forgotten– might prove to be a haven of peace for someone like him: no prying eyes. No patrolling guards, as the nigh unperturbed snow led him to believe. He looked down at his hands, the tips of his stiff fingers protruding from cut gloves, and the vapour escaping from his suddenly trembling lips.
The door to the Divine Intruder creaked open as he entered the wide, dimly lit tavern. Immediately he scrutinized his surroundings, determining potential threads from the get-go (always look, she had told him, they look, you look back). He was relieved to see but a few patrons drinking and smoking, each of them to their own table; only the bartender, a tall, thin moustached man with short black hair, seemed rather displeased by Devon's sudden entry.
"No vagrants," he spat, and a few heads lulled in Devon's general direction, "No coin, no table."
"What makes you think I am a vagrant?"
The bartender's lips flared, as did his temper. "We don't need your sort here, boy! We got problems of our own here, business's dead – DEAD I tells ya! – and you think you can barge in here and—"
All ears, twitching to the sound of rustling metal, forced their owners to turn their attention towards the vagrant who held in his hand a small pouch filled with what sounded like a small fortune.
"I'm sorry, you were saying?"
The bartender's eyes twitched. "Sit where you want."
Devon gave the man a fleeting, polite flat smile, took a look around, and chose a table a certain distance away from all men present, away from the door, and away from the room's major corners (corners are bad, she had told him, good view, safe, but they see you, and catch you later). He sat down with the exit at his back, arms placed on the table as support, and took a deep breath. Behind closed eyelids, memories surfaced once again, and stared back at him with icy fierceness.
"What'll it be?"
Devon blinked a few times, as though woken from a daydream. He looked up at the grumbling bartender. "Something warm."
"Don't have that."
"What do you have, then?"
"Booze."
"I don't drink."
The bartender's nostrils flared. Devon was certain the man wanted nothing better than to lash out and kick him out of his delapidated establishment, but the promise of a potentially substantial remuneration was all that reigned the bartender's frustration in.
"What does his majesty desire, then?"
Slowly, Devon's brow furrowed. It wasn't merely the bartender's contempt that struck a nerve; a quick glance about revealed careful motion and, potentially, threat. Wait for last chance, she had told him, then, break – and how often she had done so, resulting in devastated places and, every now and again, imprisonment. He did not have her power, nor did he thrive on destruction; however, he possessed one attribute that was sure to end the situation immediately. So, Devon dropped his head briefly and smiled.
"I suggest you desist," he said, and he raised his fierce brown gaze towards the man heheard take a step towards him, "or this will not end well for you."
The man, an elderly drunk with clearly nothing left in his life and his veins, let out a sharp choking cry. A blade clanked onto the floorboards. "V-V-V-"
Devon smiled, a wide grin that revealed extremely sharp, fang-like canines and lateral incisors. He leaned forward, clasping his hands, and stared, up until the old man's panic took hold of him and he ran, knocking chairs aside as he screamed like mad.
Then, when the old man had exited the tavern, Devon looked back up at the ashen bartender.
"Now, if I may: have you anything other than booze to offer me?"

* * *

The night was cold; dark and uninviting, save for the light of a crescent moon. Devon pulled down his hood and the snow amassed on top, and looked up at a neat, clearly well-kept signpost. In the light of a nearby lantern, the lettering was clear and left no doubt:
The Wairing Hole
This is the place. He glanced about, casually, while taking in every detail of his dark surroundings: footsteps partially filled in by drifting snow, specks of dried old blood on opposite walls, the smell of rotting meat likely devoured by rodents and the occasional stray Wair. And, above all, the smell of old, musty death lingering on the air. He knew that scent too well.
Devon's upper lip curled, revealing a set of sharp, fang-like teeth. His stiff fingers tightened into fists.
He pushed the door to the Wairing Hole open and was immediately assaulted by a barrage of smoke and the stink of days-long sweat and burned meat, and a cacophony of laughter and drunken arguments that led even as he entered to a brief fistfight that ended abruptly, one man bleeding on the floor. No one truly seemed to notice him, and he took this advantage to slither his way towards one of few vacant tables – which, unfortunately, was located too near the center of turbulence. He sat down, took a deep calming breath, and slowly looked around.
Most patrons, he suspected the longer he observed them, were clearly drunk. A few were about to pass out or be sick –or both–, several were getting overly friendly with what he expected to be waitresses or women of leisure –poor girls with no other talent but their physique–; some he suspected were taking advantage of those far more drunk than themselves to rob them without their knowing. And, in one dim corner, Devon found what he was looking for: his prey.
There were three of them, all dressed in simple hooded cloaks with little trimmings and no defining attributes. One of them spoke with ample gestures –whether out of habit, or to blend in with the surroundings, Devon did not know, nor did he care. The night would be as long as they made it. When opportunity arose, Devon ordered a drink of ale, and started waiting.

Before the group of three rose from their seats about an hour later, Devon had been rudely knocked aside by one surprisingly large patron, been harassed twice by drunk, sweat-drenched women, had to defend his drink and his spot several times, and repressed with every minute that had passed the urge to kill every single person present to finally get some peace. It would have defeated the purpose of blending in, but it sure as hell would have felt good.
Focus. Focus.
Devon waited a minute or so before rising from his seat and slithering back out of the tavern. Once outside he took a deep, deep breath of fresh, unpoluted air, and a moment to calm his wrecked nerves after sitting in that abysmal den of depravity for so long. Then, he sniffed the air, and followed the trail of old death through brightly lit streets and dank alleys, until he, unsurprisingly, reached the outskirts of the city and a delapidated ruin of a house.
Memories flashed before his eyes, of times not long enough passed, of a makeshift home where he'd lost his heart and his sanity. Fangs bared, Devon let out a small growling sound.
He hated them; he hated them all; time willing, he would kill them all.
Devon screeched; blinded to reason, he threw himself against the door and crashed inside.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Week 02 - Too little, too late

Alas, challenge failed. Work drained all I had left, feeling sick around the end of the week. Looking forward to working less again.

Writing: literally nothing. I've had some thoughts, but nothing really concrete.

I do really miss my characters though.

Art: alas, nothing either. I've gotten more interesting comments on DA that put old art into a new perspective.

Other: here, however, we shine a bit :D


Tons of fun, and I'm going well forward ^^

Challenge: we'll try this again: sketch out 'dream', and write one bar scene. If this fails again... Yeah. I can't fail again.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Week 01 - Not much, but still

Alright, first post of the new format X3

Art: not much on this front. Duly noted the request for 'dream': I have ideas for it, in the form of a person reading a book and a large Dragon flying by because Dragon (rhymes with dream in my dictionary << XD).

Also had an idea for a character drawing with much reds. Character on the right of the screen, dressed in a red coat, flapping in the wind. It doesn't sound like much, but it'd be HUGE for me to be able to draw something like that.

And, getting feedback on DA has been interesting. I signed up for a weekly feedback program where you give at least one comment a week on people's selected art and, in return, you get to upload art yourself to be commented on. I haven't been agreeing with everything said to me, but it's all been quite appreciated. I might (read: should) take advantage of these feedback opportunities to take risks with my artwork and do some digital pieces, be they bad.

Writing: a couple of pages somewhere down the week, with a good forward momentum. I was supposed to write more today but then other stuff happened.

Also, watching Big Hero 6's bonus features gave me writing ideas! They mentioned how they animated a sitting scene for all characters to get an idea of their personality, and I figured: I could do something similar in writing, with various characters walking into a bar (or, a tavern, but that's not how the stories go XD). It's already created some interesting mental feedback. Hoping to sleep well tonight so I have a mind to write tomorrow X3

Other: we haz made progress.


Randomly, there was a kitty on a leash at the store today. I squeed like mad when I realized, after hearing several mews and noticing that, no no, the lady wasn't holding a small greyish dog on a leash but a cat. A freaking cat. In all my years working in stores, this is the second, perhaps third time I see a kitty on a leash. It was SO FREAKING CUTE. And friendly. And omg kitty.

Challenge: next week, I need to 1. sketch out the dream, and 2. write at least one bar scene.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

14/10 - Not an end, but...

I needed to take an unannounced break. As it stands, I simply don't have the mental energy left to do everything. So, I'm trying to re-focus on the important things for me, and that is writing and art. And gaming, which is my biggest de-stresser (all hail Diablo 3's awesomeness). I think, on the whole, I don't want to remember most days, so not to have to remember how little I've been able to do, creatively speaking. I'm also not good at keeping a tight schedule: at some point, it needs to shift.

So, I'm not going to stop these blogs outright. However, I'm going to shift their focus from a daily retelling of select events to a weekly assessment of my artistic journey. And other notes of import. And since I'm always home on Sunday afternoons, that's when I'll be doing these. As, currently, this is the most important aspect of my life, and the most underappreciated.

And since changes need to be officialized, here it is: first person to comment with a single word, gets a drawing based on that word.

Tune back in Sunday to check on the progress!

Sunday, October 4, 2015

04/10 - And we roll back

Today's bad: five days of work coming again ._____.

Today's good: at the very least destressing, at the very best we'll do some arting. The day is still long.

03/10 - 't was a day

It went by.

Friday, October 2, 2015

02/10 - No end in sight

Today's bad: another workday. Yet another.

Today's good: about to go destress with Diablo until worktime.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

01/10 - Next month

Today's bad: while I showered, a spider decided the time had come to commit suicide: right above my head, it went down and down and down and I waited and waited because it was in my spot. And then it touched the water-filled tub. And scampered back up. And up and up and I waited and waited until it was back in a corner. And I was like: wtf.

Today's good: it's early, so I was going to open Word and see if I can do anything.

Note to Future Self: neh.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

30/09 - A breath, quiet

Today's bad: I'm tired. Slept 11 hours, and though I know I am rested, I remain tired. I wanted to get up early enough to check my writing - well, I checked it, noticed a scenery flaw, and closed it. I'm working too much to disconnect properly. I don't care anymore. And blah de blah. Of course I care, just not right now. And I need to re-adjust to working a half hour earlier (meaning getting home a half hour earlier, too :) ). Just... uuurrrgghhhhh fulltime weeks stoooopppppp. No want no more D:

Today's good: that will be surviving the day. And eating. And likely having some pudding :) and the coffee tasted good, too. And I'm getting things done on DA, commenting, replying to comments... The necessary.

Note to Future Self: keep breathing.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

29/09 - Dear god sleep where you at

Today's bad: I am so tired. So, so tired. I just want to sleep. The intent today was to write, but I just can't. So. TIRED.

Today's good: I decided, out of the blue, that today would be rice pudding day. Homemade rice pudding day.



And it is delish.

Note to Future Self: as someone once said: ___________________________________

Late 28/09 - Uhh

... I totally forgot what happened. o.O

Sunday, September 27, 2015

27/09 - Fun

Today's bad: I ache all over. Still tired, still not quite recovered, five days of work a-coming. Pffff. o.-

Today's good: spent the afternoon at the movies watching 'Le tout nouveau testament'. Very good movie, interesting themes, all with a poetic flair to it. We were 4 people to watch it, two of which really old people we didn't hear laugh once despite the movie having some very funny moments. Old people *shrug* Xd or they just didn't speak French, which would explain a lot. Anyway: good day, good movie, tv now.

Note to Future Self: none.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

26/09 - Perfection

Today's bad: went to bed late, woke up tired. Nothing new.

Today's good: where do I start?

Morning was perfect with bf, took the time to enjoy each other's company and, somehow, we left on time to go to the restaurant with the parents. Food was excellent (I have leftovers for tomorrow :) ), mood was good, weather was good, and afterwards we went to the parents-in-law's for a coffee. Then bf and I went home to change, since there was a shopping evening in town... that turned out to be a total bust save for seeing an old friend at her working place; and, since there was nothing to do, we decided to go the arcade and spend €5 (that became 15 XD) since it'd been years. Result: we got enough points to get a few things, and I got a mermaid keychain from the machines :) on top of the chocolates we got from bf's mom, we got a pretty cool haul!

Chocolate pencils + nudie cards = crazy awewome day XD

We got home at 8 and now we'e watching Iron Man 3. :)

Note to Future Self: 10/10

Friday, September 25, 2015

25/09 - Last workday for the week...

Today's bad: I'm still feeling upset about some stuff of yesterday. Not going to go into detail, let's just say work's being emotionally taxing.

Today's good: Diablo willing, I'm gonna have a morning blast. I feel too brain-tired to do any writing, so that'll wait. At least I fixed the story-issue I had, which makes me tons of happy.

I may start re-writing other stories to clear my brain a bit (not today, though). I really miss my Aneskia, and there's some things I need to improve in her story. I just... really want to start writing the novel itself. Little by little, the world's getting pieced together and I'm starting to get a clearer view of what it 'currently' looks like. And how I'm gonna get my two protagonists together XD but, yeah. The threat's getting more defined, I'm seeing now how certain events could even take place at all (one being THE reason the story begins at all!), and globally a much better idea of how certain things (minerals/animals/andthesuch) came to be (did you know the aur and gernate the people mine is actually very ancient dragon scales/blood that's been in the foundations of the continents since time immemorial? No? What am I talking about? << XD)

Anyway. Before I create new problem zones for my brain to busy itself with. XD

Note to Future Self: referree.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

24/09 - Yes, I'm skipping two days

I'm reaching this point where I need to clear up some space in my mind to keep functioning. The blog demands a large portion of RAM I needed to allocate to other priorities. Hence, the folders 22/09 and 23/09 were deleted, empty.

I feel like I need to be home for a few days, but I'm working today and tomorrow. Next week: five days. Week after: five days. Week after: five days. Week after: I dunno yet, but considering things at work I'm expecting five days as well. All will depend on whether our 'sick' colleague shows up with a doctor's note today or not (note: my lungs haven't quite recovered yet from being sick and working). I have a colleague working 7 days coming week, another who's worked over 7/7 for the past two weeks... We're all reaching the end of the rope. I need a vacation like my life depends on it (which, no, it doesn't, but my mental health does). So, after being done with this blog, I'll see about doing some writing to alleviate the building pressure, and hope for 'good' news today.

Damn I'm tired. XD oh, and, I doodled yesterday. Doesn't look like much, but hey: each face looks different. That's pretty good in my opinion (and, no, you won't get to see now).

I wanna go to the movies :X

Monday, September 21, 2015

21/09 - Frustration!

Today's bad: this is me doing some written self-chatting to figure out how to continue my story.


This is also me, frustrated out of my mind at this damned writer's block that's feeling more like a total block by someone in here who doesn't want to get named (seriously, character-block? Not the first time that happened <<). I am 100% unable to figure out what's going on.

Today's good: but damn am I gonna keep trying. YOU CANNOT KEEP THE TRUTH FROM ME, FIGMENT OF MY OBVIOUSLY VERY SENTIENT IMAGINATION.

Note to Future Self: I don't know you. Seriously. ... crazy lady. <<

Sunday, September 20, 2015

20/09 - The Age of Dragons

Today's bad: yeah, no, nothing to mention here actually. Except being tired, but that's become the norm XD

Today's good: great day at work. Then, finished Dragon Age Inquisition... aaaaaand splurged a bit: Trespasser is downloading as I type. Seems it's the only DLC worth purchasing. And I wanna see what happens with my Inquisitor and Cullen D:

Note to Future Self: la la la gaming good, la lala.

Late 19/09 - Idiocy

The day's bad: my Russian colleague got a hate message on FB. Despite her being here a while, speaking the language, and being one of the nicest and most trustworthy people I know, she got a hate message. It upsets me greatly.

The day's good: not my own good, but bf got shoes from his parents :) he really needs them for job applications, so that's a major good! Especially since we (as in, I) found them very quickly and the price was right. << XD

Note to Future Self: fuzzzzzzzzz.

Friday, September 18, 2015

18/09 - Cleaning

Today's bad: as we were watching tv, the cat came in, and soon hereafter we started hearing a sound like the fervent rattling of wings. Knowing what that meant we turned towards the cat, to discover he'd brought in a cute little dragonfly! I seized him by the back of his neck and he promptly proceeded to chew on the dragonfly with the clear intention of eating it. In the end we managed to rescue it. Surprisingly, it flew away as though nothing had happened.

I swear, it's like the cat was never neutered. XD

Today's good: living room's clean and pretty again :D

Note to Future Self: one thing at a time.

17/09 - Uneventful

Today's bad: coworker sick still/again/whatever. Meaning we're all screwed for next week. Funny how she knows already she'll still be sick by Monday, which is when she was supposed to return, and (at least) until Friday.

Today's good: just finished watching the Haunting in Connecticut. Forgot how good a movie that is. And now it's time for bed. XD

Note to Future Self: c'est la vie.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

16/09 - Peaceful

Today's bad: I'm hoping there won't be any <<

Today's good: might have fixed my connection issues on Diablo. Apparently the culprit was an outdated cache that needed clearing. Game ran better afterwards, with but minor lag (compared to the contsant lagging I was having).

And I got done just in time with my Rift run to get ready for work XD

Note to Future Self: loading, please wait.

Edit: got home to an awesome surprise!


Two sketchbooks by the super talented Orpheelin ^^ we'd agreed bf would order them for my birthday (which isnin two months), but he couldn't wait. <3

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

15/09 - Moving

Today's bad: still have a bit of headache from yesterday, which is more of a pressure I believe to be stress from sick + lack of sleep. Considering I slept round the clock, I expect the pressure to diminish somewhere along the day.

Today's good: gonna do some Diablo for starters, then I dunno. I dream of continuing my writing. I've been thinking a lot about it and am starting to figure out pain points. I basically have a whole 'internal' war starting as though out of nowhere, but, considering the fact I've got people on that continent with a certain sensitivity to fluctuations of energy, it doesn't make sense they wouldn't see it coming. Or at least sense that there's a change in the air, something going on, and perhaps I could continue with a detached scene that leads this in (note: 'lead in' is a dutchism from 'inleiden', with a translation of 'introduce/prelude'... I love languages XD).

Anyhoo, I'd really like to get to that this afternoon, and redo Jocelyn because I'm already dissatisfied with what I have, and so many more things I wanna do... We'll see how far I get. So you may expect an edit <<

Note to Future Self: blank O________O

Late 14/09 - Kaput

The day's bad: I slept 4 hours while still being sick. Needless to say, writing a post was out of the question. Plus, I wanted to make this day justice, cuz omg what a day XD

The day's good: it was a day of happenings! Some bad, some good, which make for an entertaining day. Morning sucked so I asked bf to drive me because downpour, and called my dad to pick me up after work (and, as it turned out: downpour). Work went pretty smoothly despite my lack of sleep (praised be my numberrific brain e.e), discovered my manager's working non-stop all week which is insane and makes a person feel guilty they're not doing more, but as I remind myself: we all have our limitations, and they're different for all of us. I'm already working beyond mine. Nearly every day I'm thinking I need a two-week break, because this is my body's way of saying I need it. Honestly, were it not for the awesome colleagues, I might already have had to stay home sick because stress is the greatest adversary in these situations, and I have very very little of it thanks to the work environment. Just noticed I'm losing more hair than usual. Could be fatigue. Could be eating habits. Lack of vitamins. As long as it's not another myoma, I'm A-OK. XD

Anyhow, then it was time to go home through the downpour. Dad stayed a while (and listened (who's gonna get that reference << XD)), much kitty luvin', and then he left. And knocked back on the window like five or so minutes later because *dun dun DUNNNN*: his care didn't start. Turns out the battery died because the lights had remained on (cuz, y'know, downpour). So after another hour of waiting for the repairman, he was all good to go, and bf and I got to our bath XD and later ate pizza burgers (which are surprisingly good, but way too expensive compared to a regular pizza), watched Breaking Bad, and went to bed at 9.30.

And so ended an eventful day. XD

Note to Future Self: a day to remember. XD

Sunday, September 13, 2015

13/09 - Finally, some progress

Today's bad: still sick, though it's starting to clear up. Alas, I have to get up at 5.30 tomorrow, and I fear this will boost the germs.

Today's good: though I didn't get to writing due to germ-brain, I did get to drawing:


Though the outline is done, I'm definitely going to try and improve it. Something's very wrong with her left arm and I just don't know what. Might be a minor change required... but, well: so far so good. After months of absence, this is not too bad. Doesn't look nowhere near what I really wanted, but I can only work with the level I have XD

Note to Future Self: good girl.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

12/09 - Snort 'n Sneeze

Today's bad: still sick. No energy for anything beside PC + Diablo. And even that gets too tiring at times...

Today's good: ... but god is it fun e.e I'm expecting to feel better tomorrow, so I can do something art-related. Today's a bit tough in between sneezes -.-

Note to Future Self: yes, being sick is a good excuse.

Friday, September 11, 2015

11/09 - Fuck this shit

As expected, the colleague I was complaining about yesterday called in sick for... the next 10 days. And we heard from one of her friends that this has basically all been orchestrated, as she needed three more months of work to start leeching off the system. This coming from someone who has complained numerous times about the homeless and 'strange people' and even blaming what disease she has on their germs. I only see one parasite here. Well, I'm actually hoping never to see said parasite again. Liars and hypocrites get no compassion from me, quite the contrary.

The very mean part of me is wishing for her to get sicker than she (possibly) already is - the nicer part of me is saying: I don't give a fuck about that parasite, there's other and better things to spend energy on.

Considering my long weekend has become just a weekend courtesy of, I'm going to spend it locked in another world. I have to have moved on from my writer's block, and I need to have drawn.

That's the challenge for this weekend.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

10/09 - Ugh e.e

Today's bad: still sick. I was considering switching shifts with a colleague tomorrow, but she'll just have to work the early one. I need my sleep. Took me 30 mins to get up this morning. No way I'm getting up at 5.30.

Let it be said this is the kind of colleague who, when you tell them you are sick, say 'join the club' and explain why they are basically more sick than you. This wouldn't bother me if this were the kind of colleague who, y'know, helped her comrades and supported them and shit. I just want to say to her: yeah well, twice in my life I was sick enough to feel I was dying, so beat that you *insert ugly cussing*.

Bitchiness courtesy of being literally sick and tired.

Today's good: I'm gonna Diablo the hell out of my morning.

Edit: I got the Seasonal kitty! YES!!!


Today is a good day X3

Note to Future Self: less nice, more neutral.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

09/09 - Getting back up

Today's bad: woke up at 2.45 due to my throat, got up and got some syrup and a Ricola, went back to bed, fell asleep before the Ricola was gone :) and then woke up around 7.30 and I'm feeling ehhhh. Not too shabby, not super-great either. Still gotta work today, but it's a nice 12-6 schedule that'll give me some time recuperate this evening.

With my 35th birthday nearly around the corner, I've been thinking, or rather assessing how my life is going. As far as personal projects go, I'm very disappointed. Nearly 35 and still so far away from reaching my goal - which is the novel. Haven't written in weeks due to fatigue and writer's block. Haven't drawn a thing. And what am I going to do when I'm done writing this? Diablo. Because gaming is basically all I can do lately.

Perhaps it's just a bad period of time. After all, I'm the biggest provider right now. Much as I can't wait to get back to my normal schedule, we can really use the money (which, might I say, is something I've learned not to worry about anymore - without going the opposite way of throwing it out the windows). To balance the global fatigue, I allow myself little things now and again, like candy yesterday. It's a morale boost. Likely also why I game so much lately XD but yeah. Almost 35. Negative perception currently, but I also know, and feel, that once I get back to my writing, things will move along faster than expected. I've always been a late bloomer: this will follow the same rule.

Today's good: feeling better is a plus. Likely going to allow myself a yummy pasta lunch. And, now, Diablo.

Note to Future Self: 10 years from now, what will life be like?

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Monday, September 7, 2015

07/09 - Sick

Today's bad: throat started hurting at work. Feeling sick. Four days to go e.e

Today's good: cosy under the winter blankie watching Breaking Bad. Again. :)

Note to Future Self: sleep good. Want sleep.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

06/09 - Well, yeah

Today's bad: body's not ready for work tomorrow e.e ugh

Today's good: I'd say Diablo, but at the same time it kept me from doing other things e.e ugh

Note to Future Self: just a little further.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

05/09 - Kiddies

Today's bad: I wish people would just be honest towards one another. If you hate your life: say it; don't make others suffer for it.

As a note: no, it's not directly linked to me. Just observations.

Today's good: this is the one unexpected reason our couch is awesome:


Since having it, Rasta's often been chilling next to us. Not only is there more than enough room for all of us, but he wants to be here, too. It's great.

And he knows he's basically safe from Cheeta when he's with us XD it's really like having kids in the house.

Note to Future Self: standstill.

Late 04/09 - Pass

Seriously. My days are boring.


Thursday, September 3, 2015

03/09 - Dreams

Today's bad: all sorts of weird-ass dreams, ranging from being Layton to being told by my manager I couldn't have Facebook without company approval and I was like, wut, I've had it for years... and a car driving off into the water in the Layton dream, like it was totally natural. And I know there was more weirdness, but I forgot the rest. The funniest thing to note was that I was a man in the Layton dream, with the flat chest (and I made a writer's mental note in-dream like: ah, so that's how it feels to be breastless), but no idea if I had more << XD I doubt it. Still... it was all so weird. XD my brain needs to stop with the work-related dreams, seriously. Especially ones that seem real right until I wake up XD

Today's good: having more ideas to draw Jocelyn (who's Jocelyn? So far, a random idea with much black and hot pink), having no ideas on how to write. And feeling like this morn' is another Diablo morning. Because it's the one game that truly destresses me. And I'm moving along nicely in Seasons. Witch Doctor ftw! But tomorrow I really, really need to do something creative, so here's to hoping I'll sleep well and be awake when I get home.

Note to Future Self: I feel it in my bones.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

02/09 - Not quite there

Today's bad: shoulder hurts, lower back hurts, and the cat's been barking too much to my liking. God I wish I spoke cat, so I could know what his problem is (note: he wants attention *headbutts the cat*)

Four days of work ahead of me. Then one day off. Then five days. But then, three days off. I'm living now for those three days off. XD

I really do need a break. As it stands, I can't find it in myself to be interested by my writing. That's the problem when you're all alone caring about something: why bother, when you yourself don't see a point in doing so? Plus, I want to draw, but that takes so much time to start up... Yeah, I'm in complaining mode. I feel trapped by my environment. Things pile up, to a point I don't know where to start, don't care to start, and feel like I'm failing (which I am). All the while trying to keep going when I'm mentally drained and can't recharge my batteries because too much work, too much of everything, just want to crawl into a hole and hibernate for a few years.

We're two people who don't care what the other finds truly important, and breaking each other without realizing (actually, I realize it, or I wouldn't be writing this). I couldn't care less about the state of the house - because I know there's no point doing anything about it since it's just not going to stay in the state I'd leave it in (I see that with my mugs... and I stopped trying to put them back in order, like many things around here). It hurts to know I'll be wasting my time... so I no longer waste it. It's apparently pretty bad because I'm about ready to cry here, but let's hold that off until we're done.

You don't appreciate me by saying I did a good job - I am the person who feels appreciated when her work is respected. When you clean house and a day later things are heading back to the state they were in, you don't feel respected. Thus, you stop showing that same kind of respect. And it's been going on for long enough that it's affecting us both. Talking about it doesn't help - at the first smirk, at the first minor sign of a minimizing smile, I stop trying. I always get to stop trying. Important issues remain unresolved. And yet, the world keeps turning, slowly.

Today's good: will be a session of Diablo 3 I'm afraid. I started a Seasons character, and it's been tons of fun starting from scratch. Plus, I want that pet and portrait frame << at least this time it's attainable. Thus, fun. And I still don't know how to continue my writing, but, one of the characters seems willing to have a conversation with me about potential options. So... we'll be doing that sometime. << XD (note: factions it is.)

Note to Future Self: the darkness has come to the roses, the fire is reaching the end...

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

01/09 - 'Tis no longer the season

Today's bad: as mentioned before, I'm feeling tired of writing this. I'm also feeling tired of work, what with having several full-time weeks ahead of me still. Only silver lining is a three-day weekend coming up next week HOLY SHIT YES. I really need that. Would have preferred it fall in the week though XD

Today's good: catching up with things online, going to download the Diablo 3 update for future gaming time, then it's off with the 'net and on with the... I want to say writing, but I don't know if it'll work out. I'm still unsure how to continue. I'm figuring out that factions are working against one another, but that's as far as I've gotten. D:

Note to Future Self: little is better than nothing.

Late 31/08 - Reaching the end

I'll make this one short: yes, I'm starting to get tired of this daily blogging. Mostly for the reason I have very little to say every day. I find my own entries lacking, boring, globally uninteresting - which, might I say, isn't the point of the blog to begin with: the point is to update every day, for a year. Much as I have made my daily blogs (with one exception), I notice I often write them late nowadays. Work, tiredness, lack of envy, are all working against me. I'm clearly not the kind of person who can write every day. But I lost a lot of focus on this. The summer was long and tough. I'm mentally drained and in need of a vacation that isn't coming until next year (unless I don't get hired long-term, then it'll start mid-December XD). I got tired of my job, but it's not from wanting to leave, it's just from needing a break. And needing to write, which I haven't done in weeks. I just want to disconnect from the world for several days.

Speaking of which, I'll be starting the habit to turn off internet when I write. It's too distracting, what with DA, Facebook, email... I end up checking all sorts of things and not going forward. I have a thesaurus and a dictionary: I do not need more. Much as online dictionaries are interesting to use, but I don't have the discipline not to click on anything else... or perhaps I need another browser with only writing sites and suches. That could work too.

Anyhow. We're going back out there.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

30/08 - ...and finish

Today's bad: the dancing wasn't as cool as we remembered. The main hall was closed, the music in the two small room was extremely loud, so that we took refuge in the smoker's area which, incidentally, was the best place to be. It's a shame considering we had bf's friend with us but, at the same time, we did have fun and talked quite a bit. It was 4 when we got home.

Today's good: lots of rest, and Dragon Age.

Note to Future Self: not really.

Late 29/08 - Start...

The day's bad: purposefully late blog. Long day.

The day's good: going out to celebrate bf's birthday at a dancing.

Note to Future Self: getting tough.

Friday, August 28, 2015

28/08 - Failday

Today's bad: nearly everything! This is seriously one of those days during which all that can go wrong, will go wrong. Starting with avdrowning nightmare, followed jy making mistakes, to forgetting my bank card at home and having to drive back to work to get my groceries.

I'm also still so frustrated not to know how to continue my writing >.< I fear I'll have to delete some pages. Been trying to come up with logical reasons for events to take place (even if it's just the character saying, 'this is right'), but some are being troublesome.

Today's good: honestly, getting home in one piece! Considering the day I've been having, this is as good as it gets.

Note to Future Self: wow was this day awful.

Late 27/08 - Great day

The day's bad: having a bit of  lingering migraine. Didn't want to take meds for it, since it was mostly my stomach feeling icky. And, being uber-tired enough to go to bed at 9.30

The day's good: yummy yummy pasta gratin at the parents! Got my mom Dragon Age Inquisition for her birthday X3 which, of course, she loved. And a Tomb Raider t-shirt for bf's birthday. Which he loved. XD

Note to Future Self: today is funday ;)

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

26/08 - 'Tis a day

Today's bad: I'll be deleting my account on the Rp forum. It's been over a month: still nothing. It was supposed to start up 6 days ago: still nothing. And mods don't log on at all. Really disappointed.

Also, I don't know how to continue my writings. I feel like I'm missing a huge chunk of puzzle, in the form of not being able to figure out what happened to one of the characters. And I NEED to know where he is, since he's pivotal to a lot of things. It's very frustrating.

Today's good: I've been meaning to post this for a few days, but lack of mind prevented it. I (partially) read an article on creativity and depression, and it didn't take long for me to come to realize: that's why. That's the reason. It makes sense, especially considering I get depressed after several days of lack of creativity.

Once you accept it is inevitable, that the battle is lost before it even begins, you can start exploring the environment and ask yourself: why must I fight? If it's a part of me, why not accept it? Depression gets a really bad rep - for very good reasons. It kills you, mentally and, in some cases, physically. It worries people, especially if you've had a really bad case of depression in the past. Doesn't help that death fascinates me - the perception of an entity, not so much death in and of itself. I was still a little kid when I discovered my favourite Tarot card is... you'll have guessed it...
Dun dun dunnnnn!!!

Morbid? Yes, kind of. Depressed? Ehh I guess so. Suicidal? Not in the least. Having thoughts that life is not worth living for has nothing to do with wanting to end it. It's rather all to do with the world being a shitty place and expecting (knowing?) that the next one will bring some peace.

Incidentally, these are the exact thoughts that motivate me to write my story. An entire world caught in the crossfire of life struggling to exist, and death giving arguments to let it be sole ruler. It gives damn good arguments: peace, quiet, no more pain or vain struggles. Whereas life only offers suffering and hardship. 

I don't know what the point of living is - just as I know there's no point in dying before you've accomplished your purpose, unknown as it may be. The real difficulty is to find companionship within the darkness. You don't want to drag anyone in with you, for chances are they won't be able to withstand the pressure. At the same time, you want people to understand: yes, I'm chronically depressed (let's be crazy and accept it), no, I'm not suicidal nor unhappy, quite the contrary; yes, I enjoy morbid things, no, I'm not the kind of person who would hurt creatures or even myself for kicks (mosquitoes, however...); yes, I have a fascination with death, no, I'm no murderer nor do I enjoy the death of people: I cry. I cry over a lot of things going wrong on this shitty world. If I had the power to change things, I would. I honestly would. In the meantime, we've got a third world war going on in the unseen trenches. Our way of living is already over. I don't know whether to be afraid or glad.

This said... I've got about an hour and a half of unwinding left. I was going to do some drawing, but chances are it'll be gaming now. At least I wrote. Not what I'd like to be writing, but... this was days in the making.

If anything, I need the people closest to me to understand that even though I am a child of shadow, I can still bask in the light and enjoy it there. The darkness, however, should not be feared, as I don't fear it myself. It's an old friend. One who brings cookies and coffee and baskets of ideas. I get tired of pretending I never get depressed: I do. Not in the proportions I once knew, but here's the thing: had I never known those depths, would I survive my own life? When all appears meaningless and you wonder about life, how is it not the knowledge that you have a purpose that keeps you not only going, but also eager to keep discovering what future events are in the making? The world's a shitty place: I'm still eager to see what will happen, if only because I have my own goals to fulfill (because egocentric). I matter - to me and to others. They matter to me, even though I have all the trouble in the world not only showing it, but accepting it (this will be our next demon we will be fighting, tyvm << XD). I feel like, at some point, I stopped wanting to rely on others, and stopped wanting people to be close because I hate being vulnerable because past traumas and shit and there we go. I'm a hardass bitch wrapped in a tight little innocent package. Being this way is not the problem in itself: it's feeling as though I still need to be like this, that is the problem. And it comes from feeling misunderstood for all the reasons aforementioned. Vicious cycle, as it is called. Sucks being human. XD

In conclusion: I'm hungry and Dragon Age awaits. XD

Note to Future Self: think all was said.

Late 25/08 - No time

The day's bad: the tired, basically. Always the tired with mornings. XD

The day's good: hung out with me dad, shopped a bit, chilled. XD

Note to Future Self: not today.

Monday, August 24, 2015

24/08 - I suck -.-

Today's bad: so I wasn't going to play Dragon Age all day... Hyeah right.

Today's good: Dragon Age owns my soul. And it is GOOD. Life's easy in GamerWorld @.@ (except when facing those pesky giants).

Note to Future Self: *shrug*

Late 23/08 - Spices and everything nice

The day's bad: mostly the tired, and people XD three mornings in a row is tough, but we made the day good.

The day's good: decided to celebrate bf's birthday a bit late and went to the Chinese restaurant. We were going to go at 'noon' (which is 2 by the time I get home), but decided to go in the evening to be more at ease.

So, I spent thevafternoon either reading
Or just chilling with my eyes closed to Within Temptation, which did so much good it's crazy. I'm not the kind of person who can let time go by without multitasking, so I spent that time thinking about characters and suches XD

And we had a good time at the restaurant. It's surprising how much you can end up talking about despite seeing each other every day lol also it's a good thing we went, as we apparently have plans for next weekend XD

Note to Future Self: time is experience, age is knowledge.