Take the heat away x.x

I'm starting to feel like I'm an old car (or my scooter): when not used enough, it needs a jumpstart. I started complaining to myself about not being able to write... and then randomness ensued.

I wish I could write
:(
Why can't I write?
What's keeping me from enjoying myself?
Is it the heat killing my brain?
Is it the stress of real life
always breathing down my neck?
I feel like I'm imploding
Nuclear warfare
Leads to despair
I feel like crying
I feel like dying
Because running away is the easiest way
out
of the black
So exhausted
So tired of everything being so hard
Stressed out by support
By the pressure, self-imposed
Choosing to be different from the others
But has it ever been a choice?
Now what I do?
When nothing goes right
And the cat sleeps on my left arm
And the center is all but a wasteland?
You just keep going.
Until the problem solves itself
Until you break down from the stress
And start writing useless
stuff
like this
But hey,
isn't writing bliss?
:)

Funnily enough, writing that up did help. Aside from how depressing parts of it sound XD but hey: that's me. Let's just embrace the inspiration, hmm?

Also, I tramped on the cat's tail this morning (because tabby in the dark = camouflage kitty). 5 seconds later, he was snuggling against my leg. We like to call him 'goldfish brain', sometimes.

That is all.

Not my week

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Not only did I manage to break my Windows

That's me trying to get Start menu to work again

But I also just managed to break Word's hyphen

And, no, I didn't use the tilde button. From one paragraph to the next, my hyphen had become a tilde and the automatic dash stopped working (but I did discover how to make dashes with ctrl <<). Tried copying the text to another document, same issue. And there nothing on Google about this. No idea how I did it.

I do know how I broke my Windows though << good news is that it only took a reinstall to get everything working again. But that's also meant reinstalling all my programs ~.~

You know what they say (or at least I say it): bad things happening in repetition means there's some good on the way. And the best news is that I'm almost done with the administrative formalities for the Patreon. Almost. Damn is Belgium complicated.

That is all. Stupid computers << (and their n00b users who think tinkering with authorizations is smart)

Riding the storm

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First a bit of good news: I (finally!) went to a radiologist for my year-and-a-half-long bruise on my thigh. In case you don't know/remember: I ran into a little door at my former job, at full speed, which resulted in a humongous bruise that lasted for a while. Went to my doctor's about a month ago because it wasn't healing, he sent me to the radiologist, and today I went.

Turns out it's not a torn muscle, but more of a popped fat gland or something. It should've healed and she was surprised it hadn't, so it'll likely stay this way (and keep hurting me <<), but it's nothing serious. My muscles, as she said and I saw on the echography, are in perfect shape. As are my bones. So hurray for that!

Next, less good news: been having some issues again with my mood, and insomnia. I've drastically diminished my coffee consumption (to once or twice a week), but it seems I don't get to drink it two days in a row or I get insomnia/migraine/depressed.

Now, it's not all the caffeine. Part of it is just the disappointment of a slow Patreon growth, the administrative issues (that I'm almost done with), and just the global, natural tendency to feel down when things don't go quite well. That and I've been obsessed with Persona 5 (which I finally completed this weekend after 105 hours!). So I've been thinking about it, observing, and the fact of the matter is I do seem to have some natural cycle regarding my mood. It's annoying, but that's woman -.- all I can really try and do is go with the flow and not try and force myself to do things unless they really have to be done (like administrative things <<). And also avoid being too lenient with myself, which is hard to do << all in all: it's all a matter of understanding oneself and working around your own issues by utilizing your other strengths.

In that respect, it's actually a good thing to be a jack-of-all-trades: when one medium fails you, there's always another one to pick up. It's quite relieving.

Fact is, since taking steps to be 'independent', even when I have periods of time where I feel I'm failing/worthless (because inner nature), something else is there, now, to remind me that there is no other right path and that I will succeed. I just don't know when or how. All I know is I'm going the right way.

And that brings me to Persona 5. Ahh, Persona 5. I'd wanted it at release for its steelbook edition, and dived into it once I got at almost the end of Zelda because I kind of burned myself out on it. Once I started that game up, I was sold.

And I won't go into spoilers or anything because I wouldn't want to ruin it for people who might run into this blog because Persona tag XD but, what I will say is that it made me think. A lot. And transported me to an awesome, stylish world the likes of which I've never seen before. Just look at the intro:

I wanna NG+ just to keep watching it every evening *.*

The game, like really all of the Shin Megami Tensei series, is deep. It's dark, it's psychological, it makes you think, and for me it came at a strange time because I followed a bunch of characters making the choice to live their own life -society be damned!- and stay true to what they believed in. They tried and make it better, following their own sense of justice. And that did resonate with me.

On top of that, it made me think about my life, my friendships, in terms of Confidant Arcana. It even made me wonder: if my life were a Persona game, what would be its theme? 3 had death as central theme, 4 I don't really remember (but I feel its graphic and story-based influence on 5), and 5 has justice. Mine, as I figured out by thinking of my life and certain characteristics of the people close to me, is fear and overcoming it. I have a few friends for whom fear (also anxiety, depression, things that go a bit hand in hand) is a core ingredient of their souls - and some who seem to have gone through it, and conquered it already. The only way to do so is to just keep going, at your own pace, and ignore doubts and worry. You may not make it in the end, but chances are you will get somewhere worthwhile nonetheless.

Break free from that fake self and embrace yourself.

And with that said, a closing statement about the game: I thought it was quite the contemporary societal statement. A lot of what I think about society, I found within it. And I wish I was a Phantom Thief. << XD (but oh my god I'm surely not the only P5 fangirl out there, amirite? XD)

And that is all for now. I'm overall feeling good, even though it seems the day has passed me by and I've yet to do anything productive (but going to a doctor's and spending some time with a close friend does count). I do have ideas. I just need to get to them. <<

It's so hot out here. Damn you summer-approaching. x.x

Inspiration - What lies beyond fear

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Since writing the previous negative posts, I feel like little has realistically changed, but a lot has changed mentally. 

Most importantly, I've managed to calm down my anxieties. I came to the realization there was absolutely no point stressing about things that I have no control over. It's my by-default response to piling worldly stress, but not my inner nature. Letting my anxieties drown out my mind is not only a disservice to me, but to the people who have put some trust in me - whether on Patreon, in real life, or in other ways.

I also realize, and I hate having to admit it, that I'm a coward. I want the easy way out. If things get too hard (whether it is so or just my perception), I want someone to swoop in and fix the situation for me. I don't want to have to take responsability for certain choices. I have grand ideas, but realization is always lacking. In that respect, Patreon will either be my greatest failure, or my grandest success. At this point in time, failure seems more likely.

However, something tells me that my current perception is completely wrong. But it will take time, dedication, and continued trust that I can actually rise beyond everything I have ever been.

Just as I want the Age of Silence to be the best I can make it, I want to be the best I can make myself. 

Beyond depression, beyond social phobia, beyond being shoved at the feet of society for having an unstable résumé and professionnal experience that leads me nowhere; beyond being made to feel like the personality I have built, with pride!, needs to be tweaked back and taken down a notch; beyond my own anxieties, insecurities, ancient scars that though healed still hold some influence over me; I've always been afraid. It's a by-default reaction. So when I make a decision with conviction (such as launching the Patreon), my own conviction scares me. I second-guess myself all the time; calculate, analyze, find ways to tell myself I'm heading towards a wall and that I'd better back out before it's too late.

I've reached a point in my life where I want need to step hard on the gas and break through the wall.

I can't keep living life with regrets. Especially since I have everything at my disposal to lead the life I'm supposed to. I don't seek fame, or riches (though I'll admit I won't turn those down should they cross my path) - what I seek is happiness, and feeling that my life means something. To that effect, relationships are important, Patreon is important, and finding back that trust in life I seem to have misplaced somewhere along my journey.

I don't know where I'm heading from here. I only know I'm actually heading in the right direction, despite reality telling a different story. I'm a firm believer in trusting your gut feeling - and that gut feeling is telling me Patreon, if not a success in itself, will at the very least be a launchpad for something greater. All it will take is for it to gain some momentum, and for me to keep working on Aeyuu.

Funny how life can be so clear once you stop being afraid, and how terrifying that clarity is.

But I can't keep worrying about the what-ifs. I can't keep second-guessing myself. Oh, I'll likely keep doing it - but then it's up to me to remember that these fears aren't a reflection of reality but only a by-product of my life experience. Perhaps this is what I'm meant to overcome in this life (yes, I do believe in karma). All I know is that there are no real coincidences, but only opportunities and paths that can be taken. Patreon, and everything it entails, is my choice.

So whether you read this blog, follow me elsewhere, or are able (and willing/curious) to follow my ascension on Patreon: thank you. Every type of support is important - and, as I have said and will keep saying: what's most important to me is to be read and enjoyed. I work for me, and for the people who will join me on this journey.

Never give up on your dreams, how unattainable they may seem. We create our own lives.

In darkness

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Which isn't as negative as it sounds. Darkness is a place of peace for me. Just wish the insomnia would leave me be so I can concentrate.

I had a discussion with my parents after the last post. It's helped put things more into perspective, if only by knowing I have people behind me who'll support me no matter what. What helps relieve the pressure somewhat is knowing they expect me to fall off the face of 'normal' society eventually. It's a lot more positive than one may think - not the 'we know you'll never get a job' kind of thing, but the 'we know your heart and soul is elsewhere' kind of thing.

It's the kind of luxury I don't take for granted.

So is having people by me, be they few in numbers - but large in scale. Having friends you can count on, family who understands you... Those things are invaluable.

Anyway. I wanted something positive after the few venting posts ;) though I still have issues with stress, insomnia, fear of failure, etc  etc... but, I also realize that not letting go of this things is counter-productive, and against my acquired nature. I don't want to keep stressing over things I have, ultimately, little control over.

What I do have control over is me. The future will be what it is, whatever it is to be, and in the meantime we'll just be going forward as best as possible.

That means a lot of writing. And, hopefully, some awesome sleeping. XD (and some gaming because Persona 5 omg <3)

And that is all. I'm thinking of making a few aesthetic changes to the Patreon to make even clearer what it is I'm doing, because it's not just stories I'm bringing: I'm basically creating a whole world. And I think that really ought to be reflected in the about section.

On fear

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This morning, as I discovered one of our closest friends has added their support to my Patreon, a thought hit me.

For someone who's afraid of wasting time, I waste a lot of it.

I am self-proclaimed chronophobic. Why do I claim it? Because the passing of time, and wasting said time, terrifies me. I've tried and make the person at the unemployment office understand that this isn't an excuse - the thought of spending an hour on a tramway, sitting there, with nothing to do, creates a wave of panic in me that makes me mentally scream. I think any phobic can understand that panic feeling. So when you're 36 and have been dealing with this feeling since realizing, 11 years ago, that a quarter of your life was gone and you had nothing to show for it, it does complicate a lot of things that other people don't think about.

After purging my Facebook of unsupportive people (even people I care about to this day), and feeling how much freer I feel now, I rrealize just how much I waste my time.

Right now, I'm wasting it being afraid of wasting it. For all my advisory skills when it comes to the lives of others, I really suck at making my own life better. But then, the issue there is that I KNOW what I should be doing... but I'm terrified of forcing us into poverty. It's a guilt I don't want to live with.

Yet, I don't know how long I'll be able to struggle. I don't know why I am absolutely certain I ought to make a financially irresponsable choice. Maybe because I function better when in need. Also because I feel the struggle is going to make me fail the Patreon. A clear choice must be made (and is, truth be told, already made for me). And then, I feel like this issue is one of luxury and I should think about all the people who struggle to make ends meet.

I am so tired of struggling. 

I've reached a point where the very thought of applying for a job seems like a moot point as I have a job. There is nothing out there that motivates me - and, no, money doesn't motivate me at all. I couldn't care less about it (but, thankfully, bf does care about it :D). I've always said: all I want in life is to be happy. Currently, this isn't much the case. Not that I have no reason to feel happiness; rather, I feel like I'm killing myself a little bit more every time I worry about the future and about time passing me by and wasting said time trying to be someone I'm simply not.

If you follow this journal, you'll have noticed I've written quite a few negative posts lately. This is my way of getting the negativity out. The fact I've been writing more than usual is directly related to how implosive I'm feeling at this time. I really feel like I'm struggling every day to be the person I'm expected to be. Every day I feel a little more depressed because I feel trapped in this life, in these choices made for me. Every day I feel what's important to me slipping away from my grasp.

I want to take a risk I feel isn't one, even though it appears to be one at the time. I want to succeed. I want to succeed not only for myself, but so one day I can tell others: yes, I took a risk, it was hard for a while, but then we made it. We made it. And dear gods if I made it, then so can you!

Having been depressed for 10 years in my youth (15-25), I find my priorities different from other people. I can't relate to people who are all 'suck it up and find a job!'. I understand them - I understand the logic behind the words - but all I get wondering then is: what dream did you sacrifice in order to be here still? With the amount of burn-outs and long-term sicknesses increasing every year, I get wondering: is that what is expected of me? Back to square one? Fuck you no.

I'll admit: selfishly, I want to be an inspiration. I'm the kind of person who thinks: there's a reason for things to be happening. I'm also the kind of person who thinks: you've got to listen to your gut feeling. Even if your gut is saying: stop everything and focus on the dream. And I want to succeed so I get to tell other people that, wherever you come from, whatever you've experienced, you can make it too. And then, I'd be in a position to help others succeed at their dreams, as well. That's the ultimate goal of my life, I think.

So, all this said, what am I going to do now? I seriously don't know. I can't really handle the stress right now. So, I'll see about just going forward for now.

Hard times

(boy am I glad I kept this journal. And changed its utility. <<)

As I get older, I find that just being honest with yourself can make things better. Sure, it won't land you a job nor a few Patrons (although, desperation seems to sell << XD (<3 if you read this - you know who you are)), it will certainly not put food on your platter nor pay the roof over your head.

But it can help you just to keep going. And it's only by going that you can discover where you're supposed to go.

I've felt depressed this past week. I know a part of it is the lack of interest in the Patreon (and I'm not gonna emphasize the fact this really needs to work because I'm unemployed and there's basically no suitable work around here); the major part is the stress of having to go every week to a job-seeking 'meeting' of sorts. Looking for work isn't stressing me; it's not wanting to look for work despite knowing better that's depressing me and making me feel like a failure in life (not to mention it's making me life-tired because of course e.e). This in turn affects productivity and inspiration, down to making me feel I'm never gonna be able to keep the Patreon going and what have I gotten myself into and ugh and gods and... 

And, then, some rationality takes back over and I can at least try to get a logical grip on the situation.

I have a sore shoulder from my previous job - that and a year and a half old bruise on my left thigh that, if it turns out to be a torn muscle as my doctor believes, will never heal. Every fucking day I am reminded (and oh I'm hitting a nerve because I'm getting tears here <<) that I worked a job I didn't like, pushed through beyond limits (and even beyond those limits) for the sake of colleagues. Even after my leg injury, instead of going to a doctor, I waited for three days until I had a day off. Blood had spread throughout that thigh. But you know what? I went back to work. Because I cared about my colleagues and didn't want them to suffer for my absence.

Then, when my job ended, the way it ended, I realized I'd done all of this for nothing.

I sacrificed my health to ultimately be chewed out by my boss for abandoning him - a man I had a lot of respect and care for. I haven't heard from him again.

I am angry and disgusted. Even now, almost a year later: I feel disgusted. And I vowed to myself that it was THE LAST FUCKING TIME I sacrifice myself and my health for someone else.

That's why the Patreon is so important. That's why it has to succeed. That's also why I can't get myself motivated to work for anyone except myself (here, I had to register myself as an independent to be able to start the Patreon). And it's why, despite knowing better, despite needing funds, despite knowing I need a job... I can't do it. Not anymore. I can't get past the disgust and the rage.

More than anything, I can't get past the amazing feeling of being considered independent. Sure, at this point, it's just a word. I'm currently earning $23 from the Patreon. To me, this 23 is worth the world, even if it doesn't pay the bills.

This money, I earn through doing what I was born for. What I am made for. Despite lack of inspiration, despite feeling like a failure for it, despite fears and doubts that I won't succeed... Writing is in my heart and in my blood. It's what makes me live. I asked myself the very honest question: what if I just quit the (failing) Patreon thing and went back to looking for a regular job? I cry. And I don't want to live anymore, because doing that would be wasting my life. I've wasted so many years already - depression, social phobia, myoma-induced migraines, physical and mental exhaustion... I've been beating around the bush for so many years because I was so afraid of failing at what really matters to me.

I refuse to keep doing that. As hard as things can get. And, thankfully, I can count on husband-to-be's support. It wasn't so long ago that I was the one supporting him financially while he went for the dream. The fact he's reached it not only makes me happy, but also puts the sacrifice that was my previous job into perspective. He's the one I did it for, in the end. And it paid off.

Honestly, I thought about making some sort of video regarding this topic. I don't like the way I look or sound, I also don't like making videos, but I feel it'd be a reinforcing step. For me. Heck I still need to make the introduction video, but that's a hard thing to do when you don't feel all too well mentally XD (I also just don't know how to seel myself or what I do... To think I worked in retail for 10 years. <<). I feel like I don't make people understand well enough what I'm about. And how much I appreciate those who believe in me - whether talking to me, supporting me, or being a part of the Patreon.

Also, it felt good writing this all up. Like I say: being honest with yourself makes things better. At least for me. And so does venting. <<

So what's the next step? I don't know. Keeping the faith, for one... and just seeing where the road brings me.