On fear

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This morning, as I discovered one of our closest friends has added their support to my Patreon, a thought hit me.

For someone who's afraid of wasting time, I waste a lot of it.

I am self-proclaimed chronophobic. Why do I claim it? Because the passing of time, and wasting said time, terrifies me. I've tried and make the person at the unemployment office understand that this isn't an excuse - the thought of spending an hour on a tramway, sitting there, with nothing to do, creates a wave of panic in me that makes me mentally scream. I think any phobic can understand that panic feeling. So when you're 36 and have been dealing with this feeling since realizing, 11 years ago, that a quarter of your life was gone and you had nothing to show for it, it does complicate a lot of things that other people don't think about.

After purging my Facebook of unsupportive people (even people I care about to this day), and feeling how much freer I feel now, I rrealize just how much I waste my time.

Right now, I'm wasting it being afraid of wasting it. For all my advisory skills when it comes to the lives of others, I really suck at making my own life better. But then, the issue there is that I KNOW what I should be doing... but I'm terrified of forcing us into poverty. It's a guilt I don't want to live with.

Yet, I don't know how long I'll be able to struggle. I don't know why I am absolutely certain I ought to make a financially irresponsable choice. Maybe because I function better when in need. Also because I feel the struggle is going to make me fail the Patreon. A clear choice must be made (and is, truth be told, already made for me). And then, I feel like this issue is one of luxury and I should think about all the people who struggle to make ends meet.

I am so tired of struggling. 

I've reached a point where the very thought of applying for a job seems like a moot point as I have a job. There is nothing out there that motivates me - and, no, money doesn't motivate me at all. I couldn't care less about it (but, thankfully, bf does care about it :D). I've always said: all I want in life is to be happy. Currently, this isn't much the case. Not that I have no reason to feel happiness; rather, I feel like I'm killing myself a little bit more every time I worry about the future and about time passing me by and wasting said time trying to be someone I'm simply not.

If you follow this journal, you'll have noticed I've written quite a few negative posts lately. This is my way of getting the negativity out. The fact I've been writing more than usual is directly related to how implosive I'm feeling at this time. I really feel like I'm struggling every day to be the person I'm expected to be. Every day I feel a little more depressed because I feel trapped in this life, in these choices made for me. Every day I feel what's important to me slipping away from my grasp.

I want to take a risk I feel isn't one, even though it appears to be one at the time. I want to succeed. I want to succeed not only for myself, but so one day I can tell others: yes, I took a risk, it was hard for a while, but then we made it. We made it. And dear gods if I made it, then so can you!

Having been depressed for 10 years in my youth (15-25), I find my priorities different from other people. I can't relate to people who are all 'suck it up and find a job!'. I understand them - I understand the logic behind the words - but all I get wondering then is: what dream did you sacrifice in order to be here still? With the amount of burn-outs and long-term sicknesses increasing every year, I get wondering: is that what is expected of me? Back to square one? Fuck you no.

I'll admit: selfishly, I want to be an inspiration. I'm the kind of person who thinks: there's a reason for things to be happening. I'm also the kind of person who thinks: you've got to listen to your gut feeling. Even if your gut is saying: stop everything and focus on the dream. And I want to succeed so I get to tell other people that, wherever you come from, whatever you've experienced, you can make it too. And then, I'd be in a position to help others succeed at their dreams, as well. That's the ultimate goal of my life, I think.

So, all this said, what am I going to do now? I seriously don't know. I can't really handle the stress right now. So, I'll see about just going forward for now.