As I get older, I find that just being honest with yourself can make things better. Sure, it won't land you a job nor a few Patrons (although, desperation seems to sell << XD (<3 if you read this - you know who you are)), it will certainly not put food on your platter nor pay the roof over your head.
But it can help you just to keep going. And it's only by going that you can discover where you're supposed to go.
I've felt depressed this past week. I know a part of it is the lack of interest in the Patreon (and I'm not gonna emphasize the fact this really needs to work because I'm unemployed and there's basically no suitable work around here); the major part is the stress of having to go every week to a job-seeking 'meeting' of sorts. Looking for work isn't stressing me; it's not wanting to look for work despite knowing better that's depressing me and making me feel like a failure in life (not to mention it's making me life-tired because of course e.e). This in turn affects productivity and inspiration, down to making me feel I'm never gonna be able to keep the Patreon going and what have I gotten myself into and ugh and gods and...
And, then, some rationality takes back over and I can at least try to get a logical grip on the situation.
I have a sore shoulder from my previous job - that and a year and a half old bruise on my left thigh that, if it turns out to be a torn muscle as my doctor believes, will never heal. Every fucking day I am reminded (and oh I'm hitting a nerve because I'm getting tears here <<) that I worked a job I didn't like, pushed through beyond limits (and even beyond those limits) for the sake of colleagues. Even after my leg injury, instead of going to a doctor, I waited for three days until I had a day off. Blood had spread throughout that thigh. But you know what? I went back to work. Because I cared about my colleagues and didn't want them to suffer for my absence.
Then, when my job ended, the way it ended, I realized I'd done all of this for nothing.
I sacrificed my health to ultimately be chewed out by my boss for abandoning him - a man I had a lot of respect and care for. I haven't heard from him again.
I am angry and disgusted. Even now, almost a year later: I feel disgusted. And I vowed to myself that it was THE LAST FUCKING TIME I sacrifice myself and my health for someone else.
That's why the Patreon is so important. That's why it has to succeed. That's also why I can't get myself motivated to work for anyone except myself (here, I had to register myself as an independent to be able to start the Patreon). And it's why, despite knowing better, despite needing funds, despite knowing I need a job... I can't do it. Not anymore. I can't get past the disgust and the rage.
More than anything, I can't get past the amazing feeling of being considered independent. Sure, at this point, it's just a word. I'm currently earning $23 from the Patreon. To me, this 23 is worth the world, even if it doesn't pay the bills.
This money, I earn through doing what I was born for. What I am made for. Despite lack of inspiration, despite feeling like a failure for it, despite fears and doubts that I won't succeed... Writing is in my heart and in my blood. It's what makes me live. I asked myself the very honest question: what if I just quit the (failing) Patreon thing and went back to looking for a regular job? I cry. And I don't want to live anymore, because doing that would be wasting my life. I've wasted so many years already - depression, social phobia, myoma-induced migraines, physical and mental exhaustion... I've been beating around the bush for so many years because I was so afraid of failing at what really matters to me.
I refuse to keep doing that. As hard as things can get. And, thankfully, I can count on husband-to-be's support. It wasn't so long ago that I was the one supporting him financially while he went for the dream. The fact he's reached it not only makes me happy, but also puts the sacrifice that was my previous job into perspective. He's the one I did it for, in the end. And it paid off.
This money, I earn through doing what I was born for. What I am made for. Despite lack of inspiration, despite feeling like a failure for it, despite fears and doubts that I won't succeed... Writing is in my heart and in my blood. It's what makes me live. I asked myself the very honest question: what if I just quit the (failing) Patreon thing and went back to looking for a regular job? I cry. And I don't want to live anymore, because doing that would be wasting my life. I've wasted so many years already - depression, social phobia, myoma-induced migraines, physical and mental exhaustion... I've been beating around the bush for so many years because I was so afraid of failing at what really matters to me.
I refuse to keep doing that. As hard as things can get. And, thankfully, I can count on husband-to-be's support. It wasn't so long ago that I was the one supporting him financially while he went for the dream. The fact he's reached it not only makes me happy, but also puts the sacrifice that was my previous job into perspective. He's the one I did it for, in the end. And it paid off.
Honestly, I thought about making some sort of video regarding this topic. I don't like the way I look or sound, I also don't like making videos, but I feel it'd be a reinforcing step. For me. Heck I still need to make the introduction video, but that's a hard thing to do when you don't feel all too well mentally XD (I also just don't know how to seel myself or what I do... To think I worked in retail for 10 years. <<). I feel like I don't make people understand well enough what I'm about. And how much I appreciate those who believe in me - whether talking to me, supporting me, or being a part of the Patreon.
Also, it felt good writing this all up. Like I say: being honest with yourself makes things better. At least for me. And so does venting. <<
So what's the next step? I don't know. Keeping the faith, for one... and just seeing where the road brings me.
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