... and some remain

Hyeah I know: OMG YOU SAID YOU WERE LEAVING.

Well, this very morning, I realized I still need this blog for one thing: venting. This is the only place I feel comfortable talking about more personal things, partly because no one (few people?) read it, partly because its name is fitting: 'through the thinking glass'. I've always liked to vent in public journals because it always gives me the feeling I'm heard, even when it isn't the case.

So, here goes.

As I've mentioned quite a few times now, I started a Patreon. Al goed en wel, as we say here; at this point I don't know whether it'll be a success or not, but I didn't want to regret not doing it (despite the administrative hoops you have to jump through in Belgium, made more difficult because like no one has even heard of Patreon). Same kind of feeling when I went to the States 10 years ago to meet the friend who'd become my ex: the what-if overshadowed normal rationale. In the long run, it was a beneficial endeavour, much as I regret how things went down. Losing friendships is always a sad thing, but then, that one's really largely on me.

I've thought more about this situation lately by talking about it with a DA gal who's quickly become one of my most trusted and best friends (funny how those things happen between antisocial people XD), moreso by watching the Patreon launch basically fizzle (but then, that was to be expected: I never do things right at the first try). Fact is: I'm in this for the long run. A botched launch won't stop me. Now that I've finally admitted to myself that this is the career for me, not even unemployment and the risk of losing social welfare is enough to deter me. This has to succeed, and it will, because I say so. It may just not succeed as I plan it. But then, I have that metaphysical trust in life, so considering how right my choices feel, I can but accept my life's not meant to be simple. Never has, never will. Without bf (whom I'm looking forward to hopefully this year start calling husband dammit), and his support, I'd be very lost indeed.

You may wonder: so, weren't you going to vent about something? Yep. And the venting part about this all is: I've gotten more support in my life endeavours from people I've never met in real life, than from people whom I've called friends, whom I still care about, and who can't even take fucking 5 seconds to share a stupid Facebook post despite having been tagged and online. I'm angry. And it creates the ugly thought that I better be successful one day because I want to rub my success in their goddamn faces and gloat. I guess the good thing about this is, the fewer RL people seem to care about me and what I do, the more I'm pitbull-y determined to make this a success. But, all the while: it hurts. I've been contemplating shutting down FB entirely, or removing these people, but I can't seem to do it. Plus, I know better than to make decisions while in a non-rational state of mind. I can't help that I'm angry; I can help being an ass about it.

So if you've read this: please spread the word. It may make no visible difference, but to me, it means the world. Better yet: if you have a dollar to spare every month, think of me.

The other part of success is that I want to be able to return what I've been given. Eventually, I'd like to be able to support others in their endeavours (in other ways than just psychological - my friend called me Deviantart's shrink XD), but first I need to be able to support myself. And that can only happen by doing what I'm doing, keep going forward, create, trust, and all them happy things. I'll admit, I've been going downhill for a while again, which is likely a big part of the reason I needed to vent. My inspiration has been lacking. But I remind myself that, if I quit doing this, the other alternative is dying - and boy oh boy are we far from ready to take that plunge. I better be old by then. XD

So, yep. That was the venting. Now onto getting some writing done, as I've had some ideas.

(and having said all that, I'm starting to rationally feel I should remove the people who don't support me. As much as I care. But why do I choose to hurt myself by watching, every day, how little they really care in return?)