Since writing the previous negative posts, I feel like little has realistically changed, but a lot has changed mentally.
Most importantly, I've managed to calm down my anxieties. I came to the realization there was absolutely no point stressing about things that I have no control over. It's my by-default response to piling worldly stress, but not my inner nature. Letting my anxieties drown out my mind is not only a disservice to me, but to the people who have put some trust in me - whether on Patreon, in real life, or in other ways.
I also realize, and I hate having to admit it, that I'm a coward. I want the easy way out. If things get too hard (whether it is so or just my perception), I want someone to swoop in and fix the situation for me. I don't want to have to take responsability for certain choices. I have grand ideas, but realization is always lacking. In that respect, Patreon will either be my greatest failure, or my grandest success. At this point in time, failure seems more likely.
However, something tells me that my current perception is completely wrong. But it will take time, dedication, and continued trust that I can actually rise beyond everything I have ever been.
Just as I want the Age of Silence to be the best I can make it, I want to be the best I can make myself.
Beyond depression, beyond social phobia, beyond being shoved at the feet of society for having an unstable résumé and professionnal experience that leads me nowhere; beyond being made to feel like the personality I have built, with pride!, needs to be tweaked back and taken down a notch; beyond my own anxieties, insecurities, ancient scars that though healed still hold some influence over me; I've always been afraid. It's a by-default reaction. So when I make a decision with conviction (such as launching the Patreon), my own conviction scares me. I second-guess myself all the time; calculate, analyze, find ways to tell myself I'm heading towards a wall and that I'd better back out before it's too late.
I've reached a point in my life where I want need to step hard on the gas and break through the wall.
I can't keep living life with regrets. Especially since I have everything at my disposal to lead the life I'm supposed to. I don't seek fame, or riches (though I'll admit I won't turn those down should they cross my path) - what I seek is happiness, and feeling that my life means something. To that effect, relationships are important, Patreon is important, and finding back that trust in life I seem to have misplaced somewhere along my journey.
I don't know where I'm heading from here. I only know I'm actually heading in the right direction, despite reality telling a different story. I'm a firm believer in trusting your gut feeling - and that gut feeling is telling me Patreon, if not a success in itself, will at the very least be a launchpad for something greater. All it will take is for it to gain some momentum, and for me to keep working on Aeyuu.
Funny how life can be so clear once you stop being afraid, and how terrifying that clarity is.
But I can't keep worrying about the what-ifs. I can't keep second-guessing myself. Oh, I'll likely keep doing it - but then it's up to me to remember that these fears aren't a reflection of reality but only a by-product of my life experience. Perhaps this is what I'm meant to overcome in this life (yes, I do believe in karma). All I know is that there are no real coincidences, but only opportunities and paths that can be taken. Patreon, and everything it entails, is my choice.
So whether you read this blog, follow me elsewhere, or are able (and willing/curious) to follow my ascension on Patreon: thank you. Every type of support is important - and, as I have said and will keep saying: what's most important to me is to be read and enjoyed. I work for me, and for the people who will join me on this journey.
Never give up on your dreams, how unattainable they may seem. We create our own lives.
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