And though I've never seen Frozen, that song(part) is haunting me. Maybe because I've got quite a few things to let go of.
The first one is that, despite being on vacation, I still do not feel disconnected from my job. I'm already thinking about having to work again next Tuesday. I suppose one week is just not enough time to recuperate from nine months non-stop-nearly-all-fulltime. My leg hasn't fully recovered yet, either, but the inner bumps are slooooowly diminishing. My thigh's still blue where it got the brunt of the impact, still bruised, and skin's peeling a bit. On the one hand, this really sucks, as I have to constantly be careful not to bump into anything (else). On the other hand, I'm like: so, this must be somewhat relatable to what one of my characters went through hmmmmmmmm (cuz why be negative when you can see the positive of it << XD)
Going onto the second thing to let go of: personal disappointment. I've basically done nothing creative last year. Months went by without a word written - yes, I did write this blog, but it usually didn't flow as it is flowing right now (and dear god do I hope the difference shows e.e). I did force myself to start the day off with the blog rather than the gaming, as the gaming has taken too much space again in my life. Fun as it is, I don't want to keep feeling as though I'm wasting my life (note: gaming is not a waste of life, but it currently feels so to me (also: gaming rules X3)). I know myself well enough to be able to say: hey, we're in that cycle again. The one where gaming makes one forget about the rest of the world. The one where it feels like I'm actually accomplishing something, when in reality it's just a distraction from anxiety and low self-esteem regarding my true goals: creativity, writing, novelling. At this point I feel like I'll never make it, so gaming takes the edge away by making me accomplish quests and goals and, ironically, achievements. But I'm not achieving anything, really. Just more anxiety and guilt and self-depreciation (dear god my inner dictionary works again!). And I worry that, once the job starts again, I'll fall back to this cycle. That I'll be too exhausted again, that I'll return to survival mode, that I'll be wasting my life. So, what do you do about it except change jobs and possibly get far worse than what you have now? Remember that the job doesn't own you; I still get to live my life as I see fit, and if it means going to work tired, then so be it, as long as I go to bed every night with a satisfied feeling. I can't have another year like last year. I refuse it.
Third thing to let go of: fear. Maybe I need another surgery again to let go of this one XD seriously though, the after-effect has started to wear off. I worry more, stress more, and even think already that life's really short and I'll die having accomplished nothing. Which will be the case if I keep going as I am now. So. Here's the deal:
I will not worry about work anymore - if it comes to it, I can always look for another; I am not owned.
I will not worry about disappointing myself anymore - having known negative reinforcement throughout my life, I realize now that I'm keeping the legacy alive and doing it to myself when I should be uplifting. I don't know how to do that. I asked bf to help me by supporting me in my endeavours, but I doubt he comprehends just how critical this is to me. I need what I've never had. Also, I could cry right now, damn deep meanings XD;
I will not worry about worrying anymore - remember, we've let go of this when we let go of life. Life has prevailed. So shall I.
I suppose these are my resolutions for 2016. Already worrying I won't be able to uphold these XD dammit. This is gonna be hard.
So, let's move on to the next topic: creativity. We need more of that this year. And, I've been toying with the idea of making each month unique by selecting a character from my stories/novel-to-be and and have them be the theme of each week. See, I don't like to divulge too much about them considering 1) I might divulge important plot points inadvertently and 2) concept theft. However, looking at it from another angle: 1) is that book gonna get written, really? and 2) *snort* good luck making sense of it all, since I don't even can. My two first points are worry points - and what have we said about worrying? That's right, no more of that. So, I'm going to start talking about these beloved characters, and draw them, and share thoughts and ideas because, in the end, whether the book gets written or not is irrelevant: what matters to me is sharing my world, my headpeople, and, perhaps, get a novel out of it. The main idea is clear, the main characters too, all I need is to... write. Good luck to me XD
And this month's theme will be, drumroll please! *drumrollllllllllllllll*
Aneskia
I need more art ._____.
Who is Aneskia?
Aneskia is the daughter of Niskania, a Syrilae Elf, and Jethrin, a 'regular' Elf (what do I define as regular? Atm, I don't know XD). Syrilae Elves are creatures of great magic, who live and die by it; as such, each Syrilae is granted a gift at birth than can be as close or far from their parents' legacy as you can imagine it. Niskania was a clairvoyant, who saw in dreams events prepare or unfold; Aneskia was born an empath, and grew up to feel the emotions of people around her. She never knew her father, who left when she was but a baby. It fell upon Niskania to raise her daughter - a daughter she had never wanted.
And Aneskia grew up sensing all of her mother's negative emotions - hatred towards her father for abandoning them, hatred towards the world for the horrible dreams she never wanted, hatred towards the Aberviohn -the sacred crystal trees protecting the Syrilae village- for gifting her these dreams, and hatred, now and again, towards the child she had never wanted. Aneskia, however, loved her mother immensely, unconditionally - she tried not to be a burden to her, tried so hard for her mother to love her. Her greatest strength was always her kindness and care towards people, whether they accepted her or not. It is this great kindness that led her, as a 70-year old child in Syrilae calculations, to sacrifice a portion of her longevity to ensure the continued existence of the Aberviohn, whose existence was linked to the life of the Ansai - an Elder of sorts, whose legacy dated back to the creation of the world itself.
Never would she have thought this would ultimately lead to their destruction.
Aneskia and the novel
Aneskia was my choice as main protagonist for several reasons: she knows nothing of the outside world, and will allow the reader to learn and explore it as she does; she, and the Aberviohn, are directly linked to the greatest threat the world has known in nearly 30,000 years; she is (in)directly linked to allies that might/will bring potential answers, perhaps even solutions, to the threat; at the start of the novel she is wounded, and this wound will bring about changes in personality that will make it interesting to follow her actions (choices, dilemmas, duality, perception of the threat); ... she gets to meet Nalyn (who will be next month's theme ;), who is one of my favourite characters ever: a rude drunk once-soldier still-warrior with massive strength and just as massive life issues. And he's gay. Yes, I said it.
The novel, which I refer to as TAoS for The Age of Silence, will revolve around the main ideas: love, sacrifice, and death. There's therefore no better choice than grouping a kind, loving child with a suicidal, brutal old man. Seriously. XD
Anything else?
Feel free to ask! This being the first post, I don't quite know where I'll be going from here, but we'll see ^^
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