Week 07 - Time getting short & other things

Less than a month until Within Temptation's Black X-Mas :x and I want to sew a dress for it (the dresscode being 'dark creatures'), but it doesn't look like time will permit. Especially since I don't know what I'm doing XD

Seriously. This is, like... Chinese to me.

Gonna have to ask for some help with it, hoping I can still scrounge enough time to do it in << work hasn't allowed for much. As again, challenge not completed, AND I'm posting a day late. I've been extremely tired and dizzy every morning to the point of mentally breaking.

Then I looked up symptoms, and figured out what I, basically, had already figured out.

I've been drinking a lot of coffee lately: not so much for need to, but for need to - you know, like junkies do. Completely addicted to the stuff and, as my job's pretty physical, it gets tiring, and coffee always seems like the solution... until you get so depressed you don't want to get up in the morning, can't see or think straight, and are basically tearing apart at the seams. Sadly, I'm not even close to joking.
The dizziness was already a pretty useful clue. According to my Googling, it could be due to low blood pressure - which, considering other symptoms like excessive fatigue and a physical job, felt like the ideal suspect. Then I looked up triggers for low blood pressure and, lo and behold, there it was: caffeine overdose. Now, I'm not one to blindly follow the advice of the internets, but here it all makes the kind of sense that's like: hey, so that is possible! And here we are, a few days later and several coffee lesser, and the symptoms are all but gone. I did have a morning coffee because I was feeling a bit nauseated and hot milk didn't sound appetizing, but the difference between today and a few days ago is huge. Which leads me to another topic I've been pondering: the physiological aspect of depression.

Let's take a moment to wrap our minds about the fact coffee was making me feel very, very depressed. Considering it had a clear impact on my blood pressure, which in turn lead to some brain-wiring short-circuiting, I have been wondering a lot about the genetic/inescapable quality of what I shall call chronic depression (be it said: what I call 'depression' I do so knowing it is what it is, and it has nowhere near the impact of what deep, rooted clinical depression does to you (since I also do know what that is << )).
Here's the thing: my first encounter with depression, and immediately also my worst, was 20 years ago due to being bullied. Ok, blame the bullies. Skip to now: all I have to blame is... coffee. Nothing more, nothing less. It's of course nowhere near as bad as what I've known, but it's still deserving of its denomination, as it saps all joy for life and desire to go forward.

Here's the bigger picture: let's consider that depression can be caused by a physical fact (caffeine overdose) as much as an emotional fact (being heavily bullied); now, what if they're not the cause at all, but merely a trigger. What if the inclination towards depression was there all along, be it genetic or just a circuit that wasn't wired properly at birth, or even just some incident that caused a physical imbalance; what if (and this might sound actually depressing XD) depression was basically coded into certain individuals' DNA and is basically not technically caused by outside factors, but simply by one's own encoded reactions to certain triggers? Kind of like how kids born in alcoholic households have far more risks to become addicted themselves. This hypothesis does mean that you're doomed to suffer because it's just the way you're drawn made; Personally, I like this hypothesis because it takes away the guilt of feeling depressed. It even takes away lingering anger towards people in the past, because it places events in a new perspective: yes, it's their fault for bullying me, but no, it's not their fault I got depressed (noting here: bullying is never okay; it's not because I can give it a spot in my life, that kids should endure it; I'm 35 and have had lots of hindsight, but teens can't deal with depression on their own; bullying, and ensuing depression, kills).

Then perhaps, it's all just speculation. I like to speculate << as a writer, I basically don't have a choice XD. It's just interesting to think about. It also lessens the stress of feeling depressed - instead of it being a bad bad thing, it's just another fact of life. One that can be taken advantage of, when you like to write sad stuff << XD seriously though, I'm feeling even more at ease with it now. Kind of like discovering yet another aspect of your self, and accepting it's there. Just wish it could help anyone beside myself :/

Anyway, it's time for some fun stuff now :D

Writing: Yeah, no. Still not happening. The low blood pressure made it impossible for me to focus on anything. I've basically done nothing at all ;____;

Drawing: I so totally wish, but nope. Best I've done is some logical drawing puzzles:

I guess it's better than nothing.

Other: again, herein we shine :D

Challenge: the dress! Work on it! Do anything, even if it's just figuring out how the hell this all works! Time is of the essence here XO

Week 06 - Stitching!

I want to start this blog off with this: an old friend of mine sent me a message. It matters because we've been 'at war' for a few years. She sent a message in regards with the current events in Belgium, which is my country, hoping that we're safe here. Aside from the fact it must've taken a lot from her to send me a message, perhaps worrying how I might take it (truth is, I could've cried tears of joy - I'm still holding them in), let's take a moment to embrace care and compassion trumping hate/dislike/whatever she has felt/still feels regarding me.

I really need to write my book. I really want my story of greater love prevailing against everything, even at high cost. I really need to do a lot of things; may I have time to do them all.

Also: thank you, old friend. Thank you so much. I'm glad the person I used to call friend is alive within you. And, selfishly, I'm glad to know I still matter to you. It's something I really needed to know. It's something that allows me to care again, unconditionally, no matter what happens. I know you care, and that is more than what I could've ever asked for.

Now, to cut the tear-jerking short XD: I've been a bit active this week, creatively. The good news is also that I'll soon work a few less hours. I've reached the point of destruction: often dizzy, often exhausted, bodyaches, and the underrated IfeellikesomuchcrapIthinkI'mgonnacryohgodsno. So, yeah. Small worries to be sure, but small worries is what keeps you level-headed when faced with world-shattering events. Think small, but don't close your eyes to the bigger picture. As you worry about what dish you'll cook the coming day, have a thought for the people who died - for the families who mourn lost ones. Be strong for those who are weak. And don't forget that all victims matter.

Writing: no writing per se, but a lot of thinking about my Nalyn.

One more thing I need to work on ;_;

That pic actually quite defines what I've been thinking about: his clothes. Now, Nalyn's a ruthless, loudmouth warrior who doesn't think twice about many things: it's kill or be killed (also: kill first, ask questions later). But Nalyn has his issues. A whole bunch of 'em. So many I can't begin to describe how much is wrong with that man. And the main issue he has with the pic up there is that he'd never be caught dead looking like that in the open. See, wearing tight/fitting pants is kind of a requisite when you're a warrior; but what I hadn't considered is the fact he'd never have his stuff that damn visible because oh so many mental issues. So, I figured he'd wear the pants, and some shirt or other fitting enough to be comfortable for fighting, and ample enough to keep him well covered.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, are the things I sometimes think about. Hey, it's character building <<

Drawing: none this week, but damn will I have to rework that pic of Nalyn. Looking at it burns. Especially the totally-not-right pants area. ... I do like his chest, though. I've had mental images of drawing him with his back to the viewer, taking off his shirt (because fangirling my own character), but in the pic he'd be lifting it just enough to show off the really ugly scars underneath. ... I luff that man. ;_;

Other: as usual, this is what I've been working on the most,a nd it's coming along well :D

Currently done with the purple, next step is the garnet, and then filling up all the diamonds. So far, I'm really pleased with the progress :) despite making a mistake that, luckilly, was easy to recover - as pics below show:

On the left, in the middle, is the mistake I discovered as I started work on the purple: at some point, it didn't align with the blue. After checking the pattern, I realized I'd misread the placement of the row. Fortunately I managed to untie my stitching, and then I placed them correctly. Good rule of thumb is to not work on this when i'm exhausted as tempting as it is e.e

Challenge: well, I fulfilled the previous one, since 'all' I was supposed to do was be creative. I don't know the energy I'll have, nor the time, but I'd like to manage to work on the Nalyn pic up above and, at the very least, make the clothing more accurate for his character. We'll see how this goes!

Week 05 - Standstill

Haven't achieved anything the past week - not even this blog. Late shifts, filled days, led to a good week nonetheless... just not in Crea-Land. And let's not mention exhaustion (I slept 11 hours, still exhausted). I've been drained for a couple months, but it's reaching its peak. My arms hurt, fingers feel bruised, and I just want to curl back into bed and forget the world exists.

Writing: no writing per se, but some fun daydreams and character building and suches. I really need to take a break from my current story and work on something else within the world, like other characters. Even though I really need to finish what I'm working on (damn those history-altering characters!), I also really need to visit other places. Perhaps it'll be a good time to edit other works.

Drawing: just the thought of picking up a pencil and paper makes my brain groan in despair.

Other: alas, I haven't done much in other areas either. Stitching takes a lot of time that I haven't had. I managed a little thing early in the week, and didn't pick up the needle again. I don't know how this week will be in that regard.

Challenge: apparently the previous challenge was already too much asked, so I'll go with this: do anything creative. The fact this is in itself currently challenging makes me very sad.

Week 04 - Vacation bad

It was a long, stressful week at work, resulting in little time for anything creative. I actually just now finished my challenge for the week << which is no real feat since I just had to write one paragraph. Apparently.

Writing: 

None were fast enough to hold the young man back: he slipped away with ease, almost causing his comrades to accidentally reveal their presence by calling out to him. The Alweiran beasts' ears twitched as the young man made his way through thick shrubbery, but none of them dared move, and so he reached the back of the wagon with but a few scratches from particularly sharp branches. He reached a hand for one of his wounds, and dropped dead.

I already had the first sentence, the rest I just wrote, and with it I conclude another chapter because it's a (fun) weird way to finish it XD I can feel it's been forever since I wrote anything. Again. And that I wrote myself into a corner. Again. XD

I kind of know where to go from here. We'll see how it goes.

Art: nothing so far. I know I still have 'Dream' to do. Not forgetting. <<

Other: some progress made:

In other news, I have this very annoying feeling that something really bad is going to happen sometime between my birthday and the end of year. I don't know what, I don't think it will be directly relevant to us, but I feel as though it'll give the world pause for a second. Considering the current state of affairs, I suppose it's not unusual to feel this way, so I guess this feeling relates to it? I don't know. I can but hope energy will shift and whatever it is, will be averted - for, as Tarot is but a warning and not a certainty, I do believe events can be averted. And here I go sounding nuts XD oh well. Choosing to think of X-mas and decorations and what we'll be eating (I'm thinking gratin dauphinois).

Much more fun to think about.

For now I feel lost in between two states of being. Kind of not finding myself, while having hold of me nonetheless. I think I haven't Dragonized enough lately << which reminds me that I still want to write a book app with Dragons. I just need someone to take care of the software part << *hintHINT*

Challenge: I won't be expecting too much this week considering I have an annoying workweek ahead with too many late shifts. I can't do much in the morning. So, I'll make it broad with: draw something. Anything. However I want/manage.

Week 03 - Sort of productive

I suppose the main achievement is that I completed my writing challenge, and even managed to write two bar scenes: both with the same character, at different points in time. It was pretty interesting to feel the difference.

Writing: just the bar scenes. I planned on writing more of them, but somehow I lost the motivation to do so... or, rather, I just wanted to stick to the other character, but alas I had nothing else to write about him XD been thinking though about my current main writing (featuring Ine and the Alweira), about little details I missed while writing the current scene, and how I can still right the wrong.

Art: myes well I was supposed to sketch out the Dream, and I sorta did: ...in my head. << so challenge semi-completed. I know what I want to do, the trick will be to match the vision to the reality.

Other: my best achievement of the week (along with getting the Champion Season achievement on Diablo 3 because gamer):

Challenge: alright, for this week I'd really like to continue writing about Ine and getting that chapter completed. I don't think I've far to go to get it done, but considering how difficult it is for me currently to write, it's a worthy challenge.
And, sketch out Dream on paper. Dammit. <<