30/08 - ...and finish

Today's bad: the dancing wasn't as cool as we remembered. The main hall was closed, the music in the two small room was extremely loud, so that we took refuge in the smoker's area which, incidentally, was the best place to be. It's a shame considering we had bf's friend with us but, at the same time, we did have fun and talked quite a bit. It was 4 when we got home.

Today's good: lots of rest, and Dragon Age.

Note to Future Self: not really.

Late 29/08 - Start...

The day's bad: purposefully late blog. Long day.

The day's good: going out to celebrate bf's birthday at a dancing.

Note to Future Self: getting tough.

28/08 - Failday

Today's bad: nearly everything! This is seriously one of those days during which all that can go wrong, will go wrong. Starting with avdrowning nightmare, followed jy making mistakes, to forgetting my bank card at home and having to drive back to work to get my groceries.

I'm also still so frustrated not to know how to continue my writing >.< I fear I'll have to delete some pages. Been trying to come up with logical reasons for events to take place (even if it's just the character saying, 'this is right'), but some are being troublesome.

Today's good: honestly, getting home in one piece! Considering the day I've been having, this is as good as it gets.

Note to Future Self: wow was this day awful.

Late 27/08 - Great day

The day's bad: having a bit of  lingering migraine. Didn't want to take meds for it, since it was mostly my stomach feeling icky. And, being uber-tired enough to go to bed at 9.30

The day's good: yummy yummy pasta gratin at the parents! Got my mom Dragon Age Inquisition for her birthday X3 which, of course, she loved. And a Tomb Raider t-shirt for bf's birthday. Which he loved. XD

Note to Future Self: today is funday ;)

26/08 - 'Tis a day

Today's bad: I'll be deleting my account on the Rp forum. It's been over a month: still nothing. It was supposed to start up 6 days ago: still nothing. And mods don't log on at all. Really disappointed.

Also, I don't know how to continue my writings. I feel like I'm missing a huge chunk of puzzle, in the form of not being able to figure out what happened to one of the characters. And I NEED to know where he is, since he's pivotal to a lot of things. It's very frustrating.

Today's good: I've been meaning to post this for a few days, but lack of mind prevented it. I (partially) read an article on creativity and depression, and it didn't take long for me to come to realize: that's why. That's the reason. It makes sense, especially considering I get depressed after several days of lack of creativity.

Once you accept it is inevitable, that the battle is lost before it even begins, you can start exploring the environment and ask yourself: why must I fight? If it's a part of me, why not accept it? Depression gets a really bad rep - for very good reasons. It kills you, mentally and, in some cases, physically. It worries people, especially if you've had a really bad case of depression in the past. Doesn't help that death fascinates me - the perception of an entity, not so much death in and of itself. I was still a little kid when I discovered my favourite Tarot card is... you'll have guessed it...

Dun dun dunnnnn!!!

Morbid? Yes, kind of. Depressed? Ehh I guess so. Suicidal? Not in the least. Having thoughts that life is not worth living for has nothing to do with wanting to end it. It's rather all to do with the world being a shitty place and expecting (knowing?) that the next one will bring some peace.

Incidentally, these are the exact thoughts that motivate me to write my story. An entire world caught in the crossfire of life struggling to exist, and death giving arguments to let it be sole ruler. It gives damn good arguments: peace, quiet, no more pain or vain struggles. Whereas life only offers suffering and hardship. 

I don't know what the point of living is - just as I know there's no point in dying before you've accomplished your purpose, unknown as it may be. The real difficulty is to find companionship within the darkness. You don't want to drag anyone in with you, for chances are they won't be able to withstand the pressure. At the same time, you want people to understand: yes, I'm chronically depressed (let's be crazy and accept it), no, I'm not suicidal nor unhappy, quite the contrary; yes, I enjoy morbid things, no, I'm not the kind of person who would hurt creatures or even myself for kicks (mosquitoes, however...); yes, I have a fascination with death, no, I'm no murderer nor do I enjoy the death of people: I cry. I cry over a lot of things going wrong on this shitty world. If I had the power to change things, I would. I honestly would. In the meantime, we've got a third world war going on in the unseen trenches. Our way of living is already over. I don't know whether to be afraid or glad.

This said... I've got about an hour and a half of unwinding left. I was going to do some drawing, but chances are it'll be gaming now. At least I wrote. Not what I'd like to be writing, but... this was days in the making.

If anything, I need the people closest to me to understand that even though I am a child of shadow, I can still bask in the light and enjoy it there. The darkness, however, should not be feared, as I don't fear it myself. It's an old friend. One who brings cookies and coffee and baskets of ideas. I get tired of pretending I never get depressed: I do. Not in the proportions I once knew, but here's the thing: had I never known those depths, would I survive my own life? When all appears meaningless and you wonder about life, how is it not the knowledge that you have a purpose that keeps you not only going, but also eager to keep discovering what future events are in the making? The world's a shitty place: I'm still eager to see what will happen, if only because I have my own goals to fulfill (because egocentric). I matter - to me and to others. They matter to me, even though I have all the trouble in the world not only showing it, but accepting it (this will be our next demon we will be fighting, tyvm << XD). I feel like, at some point, I stopped wanting to rely on others, and stopped wanting people to be close because I hate being vulnerable because past traumas and shit and there we go. I'm a hardass bitch wrapped in a tight little innocent package. Being this way is not the problem in itself: it's feeling as though I still need to be like this, that is the problem. And it comes from feeling misunderstood for all the reasons aforementioned. Vicious cycle, as it is called. Sucks being human. XD

In conclusion: I'm hungry and Dragon Age awaits. XD

Note to Future Self: think all was said.

Late 25/08 - No time

The day's bad: the tired, basically. Always the tired with mornings. XD

The day's good: hung out with me dad, shopped a bit, chilled. XD

Note to Future Self: not today.

24/08 - I suck -.-

Today's bad: so I wasn't going to play Dragon Age all day... Hyeah right.

Today's good: Dragon Age owns my soul. And it is GOOD. Life's easy in GamerWorld @.@ (except when facing those pesky giants).

Note to Future Self: *shrug*

Late 23/08 - Spices and everything nice

The day's bad: mostly the tired, and people XD three mornings in a row is tough, but we made the day good.

The day's good: decided to celebrate bf's birthday a bit late and went to the Chinese restaurant. We were going to go at 'noon' (which is 2 by the time I get home), but decided to go in the evening to be more at ease.

So, I spent thevafternoon either reading

Or just chilling with my eyes closed to Within Temptation, which did so much good it's crazy. I'm not the kind of person who can let time go by without multitasking, so I spent that time thinking about characters and suches XD

And we had a good time at the restaurant. It's surprising how much you can end up talking about despite seeing each other every day lol also it's a good thing we went, as we apparently have plans for next weekend XD

Note to Future Self: time is experience, age is knowledge.

22/08 - Watching witches

Today's bad: tried to create an account on Square Enix's site, of course I never received the registration mail. But the password changz request? No issue. Except I can set up a 'new' one since I have no old one, and no security question set up, which is a requirement. Guess I could try making another account, but, neh. No rush.

Today's good: can't say I did much. Watched Queensized, played Dragon Age, and we're about to watch Witches of Eastwick. Nothing like an excellent classic and Persona Q to end the day well. :)

Note to Future Self: put that damn people tarot file on Drive!

21/08 - Sleepy

Today's bad: didn't sleep enough, nor well enough. Bf kept waking me up/keeping me awake. According to him, I'm the one who kept waking him. -.-

Today's good: kind of the continuation of yesterday's ideas, but I wanna do some paper drawings again. Dragon Age has been great inspiration-wise. I really need to define my style further.

Note to Future Self: sleep good ~.~

20/08 - Titles getting hard

Today's bad: getting woken up several types during the night by fb. According to him, I'm the one who woke him up. So, yeah. Go figure. <<

Today's good: figured out a few things, played some DA:I, and been artistically prolific (sorta) because NEED.

As a note to myself, I need to rename the Ine file, since it's not the Empire she'll be facing. The fun thing about writing: situations evolve. Real enemies appear sometimes mid-sentence.

Note to Future Self: dream big, live small.

19/08 - Start of a good day?

Today's bad: I had a nightmare that I was called in to work. Which might realize itself in the future in some way considering one of our students had a 'muscle rip' or however you say it. Not looking forward to more hours. Barely suppressing the stress and resulting agressiveness as it is.

Today's good: I'm going to open Word right after finishing this. If all goes well, today I will write, draw something (because I've had Dragon ideas, omfg), and do something around the house though that'll be late. As it stands now, no shutter shall be opened today: I need to be detached from the outside world, and remain in that nightly energy. No one and nothing exists except for me. I'm the center of my universe (save for the occasionnal cat, but they're allowed << XD). I'm hoping to get this stress under control some before I go

Note to Future Self: follow the instinct.

Late 18/08 - Getting there

The day's bad: thought about it, didn't write it. Why? Mostly tired and brainfrozen.

The day's good: visit from the parents.

Note to Future Self: tomorrow is artday. No excuses.

17/08 - Morning coffee, solo

Today's bad: having to work. XD

Today's good: being home alone omg yes energy rebuild e.e also, I already got my kitty hug for this morning, so I'm totally good XD

Note to Future Self: chill.

Late 16/08 - Work

The day's bad: woke up at 4 thinking my alarm had gone off (it hadn't), and then I had nightmares. The creepy kind you know you've had before, yet forget as the day starts. Ungh. e.e

The day's good: going for a Chicken Cajun. It was the most beautiful fastfood burger I've ever seen. Better than the picture, which basically happens never. And so delicious. e.e

Note to Future Self: yeah, no.

15/08 - It finally happened...

Today's bad: goodbye, cruel world.

Today's good: hello, Dragon Age Addiction.

Note to Future Self: hey, what did you expect? ;)

14/08 - Gamer in da house!

Today's bad: difficult morning, didn't get up right, didn't quite digest my coffee, got very super hungry at work, and gods do people get on my last nerves. I hate summer.

Today's good: finally got my Dragon Age characters to load up into the Keep, and I just finished weaving the tapestry... which means Inquisition tonight baby! After owning it for several months, it's about time I get to it X3 oooohhhh yeah, happy gamer! This is gonna be so much yayness @.@

Note to Future Self: lonely time, almost there, yaaaaaaaay :D;

13/08 - Stresslevels

Today's bad: head hurts. Can't concentrate. Need alone time. Going crazy without complete peace and quiet. Also known as the slight migraine that does require meds. Went for it after the nausea kicked in.

Today's good: mwell, I finished a second round of Life is Strange, this time with finding all the optional photos. That game is still an amazing piece of art - yes, art.

Note to Future Self: feeling boring, enjoying life.

12/08 - Back to basics

Today's bad: not really anything to mention... Playing a bit too long on the tablet? Watching two movies? I dunno. XD

Today's good: got me some writing done, and I'm about to dive back into Limbo X3

Note to Future Self: all is well.

Late 11/08 - Phew

The day's bad: a few bad moments at work because dear god people, and we almost squished the cat - by which I mean, that idiotic feline almost got himself crushed by our automatic garage door because OF COURSE he needed to go through just as it was closing. He remained stuck for a few seconds because PANIC!!1. And he's fine. Thank goodness the door has a soft rubber edge. e.e

The day's good: it's been a while but since we got it for free, I thought I'd give Limbo another try - and, this time around, I love it. The graphics, the sinister atmosphere... and the creepy elements like having to wait for a faceless character to die so you can jump on its corpse to pass a body of water... excellent. XD tough game (can't count how many times I died already), but very, very good. :D

Note to Future Self: woohoo two days off! :D

10/08 - And the aftermath...

Today's bad: obviously tired from yesterday's fun, but surprisingly awake and feeling good. When wanting to drink, choosing quality is always a good idea XD definitely fit to work. Just need some food!

Today's good: got some Japanese customers! And I got to speak what little Japanese I know, they were surprised and impressed ^^ and I hope they'll be coming back ;)

Note to Future Self: T-2!

Late 09/08 - Relasexion

The day's bad and good: because one can't go without the other XD

Had a tiring work morning, and a deliciously drunken afternoon that ended with me falling asleep on the couch - something that I'm normally unable to do. Thing is, we had quite a bit to drink, but also quite a good afternoon :) started sucking with the feeling sick (we didn't eat in the evening, since I slept and bf felt sick XD), but all in all... de-stressing.

Note to Future Self: hell if I know.

08/08 - Oh whimper

Today's bad: up since 6.30, couldn't sleep anymore. Still have to work later on today.

Today's good: I gotsa do sum writingz ^______________^ about a couple of pages, which is not bad considering I'm tired and thus so quickly distracted XD

Note to Future Self: T-3. Sorta.

07/08 - Bracing

Today's bad: having to work, considering bf's not home today e.e could've finally enjoyed a day alone. Yes, It's starting to get on my nerves that he's always home. I'm not a people person (surprisingly?), so I do need some time alone to recharge my batteries after these people-filled workdays. I really need him to go back to his classes XD

Today's good: needed a change of screenery:

I'm exceedingly fond of NanoMortis' artwork. I somehow always find something to use as wallpaper that relates to the character(s) I'm busy writing about. Until the day I can draw my own? One can dream ;)

Note to Future Self: T-4.

Late 06/08 - Rien de rien

The day's bad: the post is late because, basically, the day was unnoteworthy. I am upset I didn't get to write. Own fault.

The day's good: it was a good day, despite being unnoteworthy.

Note to Future Self: 5 days of work ahead.

05/08 - The day, it went

Today's bad: bit tired, which is likely due to getting home around midnight XD we went to see Insidious 3, which wasn't bad. There were a few scary moments, enough for me to feel the need to keep my feet off the ground XD

Today's good: did some pre-work writing! About a page, which was enough to re-spark my love for my story XD I've come far enough to know: when I'm getting bored, it means something's very damn wrong lol at this point, I no longer know where the story's heading, and that's always exciting because possibilities and discovery :3

Note to Future Self: writing good. So good. Yum.

04/08 - Fneh

Today's bad: don't wanna go to work e.e seriously, I'm in need of a vacation. Which I'll have sometime next year. *sigh*

Today's good: actually , I just depressed myself just by writing the bad. No vacation til next year. And I may have a 7-day workweek ahead... Yeah. Big bad pfff. It's getting harder to find the motivation to go. I just need a week or two of disconnection.

Also, I need to do some writing. Figured out a logic-mistake I need to correct (which will completely change where I was going with it, but eh: c'est la vie. XD )

Note to Future Self: don't think ahead.

03/08 - Bubbles and birds

Today's bad: as I went to the bathroom this morning, I noticed a small furry, bloody ball on the carpet and thought: oh no, Rasta'll have somehow licked a bit of his tail off! Considering he injured his tailtip recently, and bled, it was a viable thought that only briefly remained panic. As I looked closer, I suddenly discovered a little bird foot a bit way from the lump, and then another foot attached to what I can only describe as a decapitated baby bird. There was no head anywhere. No blood. Only this partial lump that used to be a little defenseless critter. I did briefly think of taking a pic (because blog... yeah, I'm weird in ways), but then I figured: I really don't want a visual memory of that. As fascinating as it is to think the cat basically bit (chewed off?) the bird's head and wings off. It's also really gross. And sad. And it's the second time we find a little critter maimed to death: the previous one was a mouse with part of its head ripped off.

You know how they say that neutering your cat makes it calmer and friendlier? Yeah; holy shit NOPE.

Today's good: started playing Persona 4 Arena, put back Digital Devil Saga in the PS2... and I plan to do some writing. All in all a chill day.

Note to Future Self: back into the writing bubble we sit :3

Late 02/08 - Artist Day!

The day's bad: purposefully late, as the day was long, but very fulfilling.

The day's good: though I didn't sell anything, which is never the reason I go in the first place, it was a good day all around. My mom got me a gorgeous painting, and I got her a stained-glassy pic of a scorpion. Also got a couple of Dragon-etched glasses from my dad, and a plushy from my mother-in-law which I had my eye on since she'd made it XD and I got to sow some more hair on my doll, which is still so far from done it's not funny. But. It was a good day. I suppose the only downer was that it didn't have the family feel I'd wanted, as my mother-in-law had invited a friend of hers to show off her own creations - gorgeous plushies, it must be said. Just, would've preferred those people weren't there. What can I say, I don't like my bubbles invaded << XD

Note to Future Self: more stitchwork plz!

01/08 - Dull the Second

Today's bad: from what I understood, a colleague of mine nearly got in an accident involving a spooked horse. The rider, a child, fell off the horse, who went berserk and crossed back the street, and got hit by a large car. The horse was dead on the spot. Everybody else was unharmed. ... poor horse. :/

Today's good: I fear today is lazy ass day as well. XD

Note to Future Self: al is well in the world.

Late 31/07 - Dull

The day's bad: I was a lazy ass. Nothing got done ~.~

The day's good: eh.

Note to Future Self: noooooope.