Theme 02: Nalyn - Week 01

Let's start at the beginning: I'm tired. I'm very, very tired, and have two long workweeks ahead of me: three days work, one day home, 7 days work. I'll say it already: chances are slim there'll be an update next week. I'm working Saturday through Friday, two switches in three days' time (shift late-early-late-early), and stress at work is through the roof due to situations. I decided for myself that, if the situation is to perdure, I'm not staying past my third temporary contract. I'm done. I've given more than enough of myself. And I wouldn't see the point in staying since the 4th contract would be the last one anyway, so, I'd rather take a headstart if one is required. I hope it won't be, but at the same time, this hope is tied in with another's misery, so I don't really know what to feel or think. I'm not one to walk over corpses. Except literary corpses <<

And speaking of which, we've reached theme 2 :D I'm still stuck in Aneskia's writing with that annoying scene, and decided I'm gonna go and chapterize another writing to get my juices flowing again. This week's character is.... *drumroll despite his name being mentioned in the title*

Nalyn

<3 this pic still

Who is Nalyn?

A difficult question to answer, in the sense that Nalyn has been many things in his long, long life; he has seen much, experienced much, and paradoxically knows very little, for he has been trapped since childhood in a tidal wave of sorrow, trauma and death. He is a strong man physically, vulnerable of mind, as he has carried for centuries the weight of a broken childhood that haunts him to this day.

Nalyn is an Elshir - a race of Elves with colourful manes and diverse magical prowess. The Elshir are known for their thirst for war and conquest, and their prominently male population. In such a limited environment, crime and illegal activities are the only way to get by - a plague in the Elshir society, which is contained by forcing arrested criminals -the poor and noble alike- to serve in the Elshir army and thicken the fodder ranks.

And it is so that Nalyn, an orphaned child turned to vice in order to survive, a betrayed young man turned to crime and violence in a society that allowed him no room to breathe, was forcefully recruited into the Elshir army, where he would experience the best years of his life.

But they were not to last.

Nalyn and the Novel

One might wonder: why did I choose such a character to become TAoS's second protagonist? The answer is simple: I looked through all the characters available to me (which are many), and he was the only one whom I might get in Aneskia's area in a logical fashion for the start of the novel. Aneskia will need a strong hand to protect her - and Nalyn needs a strong mind to protect him from himself. Her ability to sense emotions, which will evolve after being wounded, might allow her to try and help Nalyn move past his traumas. Big 'might'. But these differences, and the things they have in common (devotion and loyalty), will make them a perfect partnership. I love these two. As of yet I'm not sure how to get them together and on their way, but ideas will come as I develop the Human Empire further, and discover how many threats are on certain people's heels.

As things currently stand, this story remains the way they met. How they'll end up teaming up, however, has still to be written.

Anything else?

Feel free to ask ^^ now I shall go and chapterize Nalyn's life story.

Theme 01: Aneskia - Week 04

After a long night's rest (about 10 hours I'd wager), I'm feeling rested. Really effing pissed off, but rested. Let's just say there's something going on at work that needs solved today.

So, so angry it's hard to resist venting, so moving on quickly.

I didn't get done with the Aneskia life story, unfortunately. I hit a scene that felt completely wrong (and, upon rewrite, turned out to have missed a few logical details that change the sequence of events). I'm still in the process of re-writing it, and alas I see I still have enormous difficulties writing entirely new scenes. I feel broken, but I keep going anyway. Had a couple of days without writing because I didn't feel well, this morning I'll go for it again lest I go down last year's road again and I. Will. Not. Repeat. That. Goddamned. Year. Hell to the no.

So, I plow through. Slowly. Meticulously. Trying to grab hold of my characters again. I do feel I need a break from my current endeavour, but, I don't want to start another life story and lose what momentum is left. I've said for months that I need to draw... Maybe that's just what I need. Doodling the characters. Giving myself visual aids (crap as they'll be XD).

(let's note that writing this blog is gradually lowering my anger... dear gods, the power of words, it's fantastic e.e I am a writer. XD)

Anyway, today's theme is Aneskia again. I honestly have no idea what more to say about her XD feels like I've said so much already, and I'd hoped to have some art to accompany this last post, but... well. Nope. XD

And as I get absolutely no idea, I'll be giving you a little snippet of an abandoned intro for the novel. I like it myself, but, I have no idea whether I'll be able to fit it in anywhere... so. Enjoy. I'll use it to hop onto next week's theme, which will be protagonist number 2 and one of my favorite characters X3

Btw, so glad Photoshop Elements 6 still works on 10. Love 'paste from clipboard' e.e XD

Theme 01: Aneskia - Week 03

And life goes its way.

I wondered what to talk about this week. I'm still in the process of editing the texts related to Aneskia, and am about halfway done. I'm globally satisfied despite the fact some parts just sound so dull I put my own skills in doubt... until I realize there are actual books with parts I find oh so dull XD I guess it's just me. I think. I hope XD

So, anyway. What else can I say about Aneskia? Whatever I want, I guess XD

Aneskia: Origin Story

And by Origin Story I mean: how the character itself was created. I think this makes for interesting writing, too ^^

The one thing to keep in mind with my characters is that a vast majority of them were created during chatroom roleplays, early 2000's, over the course of about 5 years. Who they became, however, happened afterwards; as the friendship between myself and my roleplay partner fell into decay, I was faced with a horrible truth: everything we had created together, this friend had disposed of in one way or the other; in a way, they had disposed of me, for reasons I do not know (but suspect) to this day. And with this world I adored collapsing within my hands, I decided: this is my world now. Everything we built together, I kept; everything that was theirs, I disposed of (to put it honestly blunt). I stripped the world bare and rebuilt it. What few characters of theirs were of import to mine (namely, three), I scrapped, deleted from the world's existence, and gave new form - with even my most change-adverse character accepting to, at long last, allow this change to take place.

And, since then, I've been working on growing and nurturing this world that is now solely mine. Little remains of what once was except bare bones I piled together and fleshened. Only one replacement character's story remained almost entirely the same as what my friend and I built together (they'd probably be surprised by which one XD). And I mention all of this because, as much as hatred has blinded this person's eyes to the reality of who I am, just as much am I grateful they were ever in my life, or I wouldn't have these characters, this world, and this happiness in my life. Because I love these characters, old and new alike, and this world that makes sense in my mind, and everything else I create and add to it. They are no longer what they used to be... and that fills me with even more joy and excitement.

This said, let's get into Aneskia's story.

The Syrilae like herself I created perhaps 13 or so years ago. I don't remember why, or how; I do remember this was tied in with my main roleplay character of that time, Kassandra's, history. So I created this little village hidden in a forest and surrounded by a circle of crystal trees I one day dubbed the Aberviohn, which are semi-sentient entities that protect the village's borders from all that is violent and dangerous. What I did scrap was the church and the Dragon named Freesia XD but I kept certain characters, like Ansai Neftyl (later aptly renamed Nefahtil), Christopher (lately aptly renamed Kristofa (yes, it's supposed to totally sound the same XD)), and a little girl named Aneskia (whose name remained, yay :D). Little Nessy's power was that of empathy - feeling what other people felt. And, after our characters spending some time in that village for whatever reason we'd figured XD, that was it.

Skip to a few years ago, when the friendship ended and the world was collapsing in my hands. I'd been working on understanding the Syrilae for years. I made sense of a lot of things - how the Ansai legacy works, how it relates to Kassandra and her son, what the Aberviohn are, down to the very history of the Syrilae race itself, which spans thousands of years. When the world was collapsing, the Syrilae - my own original race - were what made me say to myself: I don't want to lose everything I created. And after blowing up the bridges with that friend, I started slowly working on a story that could take place in that world. Piece by piece, I replaced everything that was not mine, lastly being the character Isaru replaces - the one character I never thought I could ever replace, as its companion had always adamantly refused to allow his history to be altered in any way (yes, I've got that sort of character in my head << ). This change occurred after one extremely vicious message from that former friend; as though the character sensed my heartbreak and pain and finally, uncharacteristically it must be said, realized this change had to take place; that it was a just change.

This character, whom I will extensively write about sometime this year, is one of great import to me. He has been with me for close to 15 years. His stoic strength has helped me cope with depression and become a stronger individual. Like all of my characters have, in some way; even the worse ones. And it is in Aneskia that I found a different kind of strength: one of tolerance, of kindness. Of love. And it is why, as I searched for a main protagonist for my story TAoS, I chose her. Because she possesses qualities I find needed in our world in decay. Because I want her to be a beacon of hope and even stupidity by believing in the goodness of people when all around her will have their own opinions, their own voices, and their own violence to project onto this fragile child of the forest.

And so have I kept working on Aneskia's history. So have I written out her mother's story, and that of another age-old character, Kristofa, who has become just as important an aspect of her life (and others' lives, but that's information for later). Aneskia evolved from a (figuratively and literally) little girl with no knowledge whatsoever of the outside girl to a mature child with too clear an understanding of emotional strength and distress - not making her an emotionally mature child, however. She understands, she tries to cope, but doesn't always manage. And as TAoS starts, so does her life basically end - and begin anew, with uncertainty, with great sorrow and the frame of a new friendship that will prove invaluable in her quest for understanding.

Because understanding is what Aneskia is all about. She thirsts for knowledge; for comprehension of the world around her. Of the people around her. Her quest will lead her to the edge of darkness; even to the edge of her own sanity. She will discover a world far different from the quiet life she led in her village, where the Aberviohn were there to protect their children: in the harsh outside world, no one cares. No one protects. Well, almost no one... but even the protectors are shrouded in life's darkness and pain. And she, little ray of light, is going to try and make sense of it all.

And with this I've said a lot XD I used to think Aneskia was too frail, even too boring a character to serve as a protagonist for this story. But, as I learned more about the world and about her, I realize she's the only choice I've got. She's far stronger than I knew at first, but I cannot say whether this strength will suffice to face what lies ahead (also, because I'm just not gonna give the plot away XD). What I can say is that emotions will play a great part in this story. As that is what I want. What I need. And I'm trying to wrap it all in succulent candy to be licked to death and beyond and enjoyed XD

And now I'm gonna go and do some more editing. When I get to uploading writing to my site, I'll let you know XD

About death.

David Bowie.
Alan Rickman.
Michel Galabru.
...

2016 has started out to be a year of death, after 2015 ending in bloodshed and fear.

It reminds me of my own mortality. That one day, I will die, too. Though death in itself doesn't frighten me; no, what I fear, is to leave no legacy, in any form. I am my parents' legacy and, as their ages are close to that of the early departed, it reminds me of their mortality as well. What is it like to lose someone you've known all your life? I don't know. Closest I have experienced is when Robin Williams passed away - I type this, I cry. Someone I have 'known' all my life, that I appreciated, and looked up to.

No, I don't like where 2016 is headed.

However.

This is the feeling I get from 2016: it will be a cycle of renewal. A trying year emotionally to be sure, but one that will bring about some truly good. What disappears, will be/is already in the process of being replaced. Seeds will burgeon. Something new will arise. It is, for me personally, a good year to focus attention on writing, as death is something omnipresent and that, paradoxally, fascinates me (in case you didn't know that yet). Cry not over what leaves; rejoice for what is to come.

This said, it will be a cold winter. It might still be a cold spring. Summer will be lukewarm. By the end of it, the new cycle should be made clear.

And um yeah. That's the feels for 2016 XD; whether this will come to pass or not, I guess we'll see. The fact remains that this year has started awfully (except for me and my week vacation << ). Got a few things currently going wrong, but, what's important for me right now is this: creating. Living. Both go hand in hand. As I said in this year's first post, this year we won't worry or fear. So.

We keep writing, walking, and watching.

Theme 01: Aneskia - Week 2

Oh what a pleasant week it has been e.e no work, no stress, and basically nothing done except writing XD I'd planned to do things around the house, learn some more driving, maybe draw a little... Nope: all I did was write. After nine months without a vacation, that's honestly all I needed.

And it's been a fruitful week! Not as much writing as formatting and font-picking, but this was a necessity to begin with. Only one life story, Isaru's, had been divided into chapters - and I have to admit it makes reading, writing AND editing a whole lot easier. Information is usually easier to find; and, as I try and keep each chapter in line with a specific theme, I remember more easily what happens and how (although a few evenings ago I went mad trying to remember the name of a character I love... That's what you get for not being busy with these things XD). This all to say that I achieved quite a lot, even though it may not seem so. I'm one to do things in phases: first came the formatting phase to make the writing pleasant to read and thus easier to get a feel for and edit; now, I'm in the middle of the editing phase, which will likely occur in itself in phases; and then, I'd like to conclude with the artistic phase, and create illustrations based on each chapter. This latter phase is not a priority, but something fun I'd like to do to emphasize the chapters' meaning and impact.

For now, we're neck-deep in editing. I like editing. I like adding content and fluff that improves upon scenes and strengthens the emotional impact they have. However, writing new scenes remains a chore; ever since my surgery, as I know I've mentioned before, something has changed. As though all of my brainpower has been taken from me. It saddened me, depressed me to the point of believing I was better off not trying to write anymore because I just couldn't write anymore.

Well, as this year is a no-negativity year, I've been trying to change my perception around. Yes, I have a hard time writing new stuff; I can still alter and improve old stuff and really make it better. I read once that what you have to do when writing, is write: not care about how it sounds or looks or whatever, and just write... and edit it all later. I do pick up my thesaurus frequently, but I try not to let go of the flow of emotions that fuels the scenes, the reasons for my people to behave and act certain ways... With the scene I added last night, I managed to do just that. Writing was hard but feeling was not - I hung onto that and wrote and, as I used to do, listened to what the character would 'say' (=feel) to determine whether I was writing something right. Thanks to this new scene, I filled a plothole, and developed one character's emotions a little more. I am proud. ... though I may read over the scene and still find things to change XD for now however, I choose to be pleased. I am trying to work around these strange 'new' mental problems and use them as a launching pad towards better, stronger work. One other example is that I used the formatting phase to change the font of a few scenes to try and reflect the personality of the characters involved. These will likely not show up online, but that's okay: it's more of a visual aid for me. I need visual aids. Whatever works, I use.

As a sidenote, I acquired Theathrhythm Final Fantasy Curtain Call recently (the only day we didn't stay at home during my vacation XD), and it's actually been a boost to my inspiration. I discovered a few songs that fit the theme of the forest, and re-discovered the emotional impact of some of these games (FFX, anyone?). At the same time, I reduced the amount of time spent/wasted watching tv and playing tablet games. I really do want to focus on more important things (and, y'know... real games << XD got Murdered Soul Suspect the same day, and though the game in itself will likely not fly all too high, I LOVE the premise and the execution of all the soul-related things... More inspiration right there.)

Anyway. Week 2, I promised some writing! So here is the first chapter of Kristofa and Niskania's story; the following chapters I will gradually post onto my site.

Enjoy :)

Y2, W1 - Let it go

And though I've never seen Frozen, that song(part) is haunting me. Maybe because I've got quite a few things to let go of.

The first one is that, despite being on vacation, I still do not feel disconnected from my job. I'm already thinking about having to work again next Tuesday. I suppose one week is just not enough time to recuperate from nine months non-stop-nearly-all-fulltime. My leg hasn't fully recovered yet, either, but the inner bumps are slooooowly diminishing. My thigh's still blue where it got the brunt of the impact, still bruised, and skin's peeling a bit. On the one hand, this really sucks, as I have to constantly be careful not to bump into anything (else). On the other hand, I'm like: so, this must be somewhat relatable to what one of my characters went through hmmmmmmmm (cuz why be negative when you can see the positive of it << XD)

Going onto the second thing to let go of: personal disappointment. I've basically done nothing creative last year. Months went by without a word written - yes, I did write this blog, but it usually didn't flow as it is flowing right now (and dear god do I hope the difference shows e.e). I did force myself to start the day off with the blog rather than the gaming, as the gaming has taken too much space again in my life. Fun as it is, I don't want to keep feeling as though I'm wasting my life (note: gaming is not a waste of life, but it currently feels so to me (also: gaming rules X3)). I know myself well enough to be able to say: hey, we're in that cycle again. The one where gaming makes one forget about the rest of the world. The one where it feels like I'm actually accomplishing something, when in reality it's just a distraction from anxiety and low self-esteem regarding my true goals: creativity, writing, novelling. At this point I feel like I'll never make it, so gaming takes the edge away by making me accomplish quests and goals and, ironically, achievements. But I'm not achieving anything, really. Just more anxiety and guilt and self-depreciation (dear god my inner dictionary works again!). And I worry that, once the job starts again, I'll fall back to this cycle. That I'll be too exhausted again, that I'll return to survival mode, that I'll be wasting my life. So, what do you do about it except change jobs and possibly get far worse than what you have now? Remember that the job doesn't own you; I still get to live my life as I see fit, and if it means going to work tired, then so be it, as long as I go to bed every night with a satisfied feeling. I can't have another year like last year. I refuse it.

Third thing to let go of: fear. Maybe I need another surgery again to let go of this one XD seriously though, the after-effect has started to wear off. I worry more, stress more, and even think already that life's really short and I'll die having accomplished nothing. Which will be the case if I keep going as I am now. So. Here's the deal:

I will not worry about work anymore - if it comes to it, I can always look for another; I am not owned.

I will not worry about disappointing myself anymore - having known negative reinforcement throughout my life, I realize now that I'm keeping the legacy alive and doing it to myself when I should be uplifting. I don't know how to do that. I asked bf to help me by supporting me in my endeavours, but I doubt he comprehends just how critical this is to me. I need what I've never had. Also, I could cry right now, damn deep meanings XD;

I will not worry about worrying anymore - remember, we've let go of this when we let go of life. Life has prevailed. So shall I.

I suppose these are my resolutions for 2016. Already worrying I won't be able to uphold these XD dammit. This is gonna be hard.

So, let's move on to the next topic: creativity. We need more of that this year. And, I've been toying with the idea of making each month unique by selecting a character from my stories/novel-to-be and and have them be the theme of each week. See, I don't like to divulge too much about them considering 1) I might divulge important plot points inadvertently and 2) concept theft. However, looking at it from another angle: 1) is that book gonna get written, really? and 2) *snort* good luck making sense of it all, since I don't even can. My two first points are worry points - and what have we said about worrying? That's right, no more of that. So, I'm going to start talking about these beloved characters, and draw them, and share thoughts and ideas because, in the end, whether the book gets written or not is irrelevant: what matters to me is sharing my world, my headpeople, and, perhaps, get a novel out of it. The main idea is clear, the main characters too, all I need is to... write. Good luck to me XD

And this month's theme will be, drumroll please! *drumrollllllllllllllll*

Aneskia

I need more art ._____.

Who is Aneskia?

Aneskia is the daughter of Niskania, a Syrilae Elf, and Jethrin, a 'regular' Elf (what do I define as regular? Atm, I don't know XD). Syrilae Elves are creatures of great magic, who live and die by it; as such, each Syrilae is granted a gift at birth than can be as close or far from their parents' legacy as you can imagine it. Niskania was a clairvoyant, who saw in dreams events prepare or unfold; Aneskia was born an empath, and grew up to feel the emotions of people around her. She never knew her father, who left when she was but a baby. It fell upon Niskania to raise her daughter - a daughter she had never wanted.

And Aneskia grew up sensing all of her mother's negative emotions - hatred towards her father for abandoning them, hatred towards the world for the horrible dreams she never wanted, hatred towards the Aberviohn -the sacred crystal trees protecting the Syrilae village- for gifting her these dreams, and hatred, now and again, towards the child she had never wanted. Aneskia, however, loved her mother immensely, unconditionally - she tried not to be a burden to her, tried so hard for her mother to love her. Her greatest strength was always her kindness and care towards people, whether they accepted her or not. It is this great kindness that led her, as a 70-year old child in Syrilae calculations, to sacrifice a portion of her longevity to ensure the continued existence of the Aberviohn, whose existence was linked to the life of the Ansai - an Elder of sorts, whose legacy dated back to the creation of the world itself.

Never would she have thought this would ultimately lead to their destruction.

Aneskia and the novel

Aneskia was my choice as main protagonist for several reasons: she knows nothing of the outside world, and will allow the reader to learn and explore it as she does; she, and the Aberviohn, are directly linked to the greatest threat the world has known in nearly 30,000 years; she is (in)directly linked to allies that might/will bring potential answers, perhaps even solutions, to the threat; at the start of the novel she is wounded, and this wound will bring about changes in personality that will make it interesting to follow her actions (choices, dilemmas, duality, perception of the threat); ... she gets to meet Nalyn (who will be next month's theme ;), who is one of my favourite characters ever: a rude drunk once-soldier still-warrior with massive strength and just as massive life issues. And he's gay. Yes, I said it.

The novel, which I refer to as TAoS for The Age of Silence, will revolve around the main ideas: love, sacrifice, and death. There's therefore no better choice than grouping a kind, loving child with a suicidal, brutal old man. Seriously. XD

Anything else?

Feel free to ask! This being the first post, I don't quite know where I'll be going from here, but we'll see ^^