Having been sick since the weekend with a summer cold, I haven't gotten much of anything done. It's finally starting to clear up, but my mind isn't quite what it should be yet. So, instead of providing a story snippet I haven't gotten yet but that I'd likely delete once I feel better as I can't get into my characters correctly, I figured I'd write instead a (hopefully interesting) blog about a topic that - unexpectedly? - will be a sad one. Because why not.
Yesterday evening, I started watching a documentary about Robin Williams. I've yet to watch about half of it still, but one thing is already clear: humanity lost a great man several years ago. I remember hearing the news and not being able to believe it. As was said in the documentary, many people felt like they'd somehow lost a friend. I felt so too. He's one of those people I wish I'd had had the opportunity to meet. And, like many, I was shocked to discover his death was a suicide.
At least at first.
Soon, it started making the kind of sense that makes you wonder: why do people always think the proverbial class clown is someone happy and without problems?
Why create the expectation in so-called happy people that this is the only face they are allowed to show?
A vicious cycle is thus created, one in which a person is made to believe they aren't allowed to truly be themselves. And so, the depressed carry on smiling. Until it kills them.
There is a part of me that can relate all too well. After all, whenever I post blogs that even but remotely speak of death, my own mother gets all worried that it suddenly means I'm suicidal. I know where it comes from: when I was young, I was heavily depressed, to the point my parents feared for my life. It makes rational sense. At the same time, it's taken me years and finally accepting to tell myself, 'screw what other people think of me!', before I started talking about this subject more openly.
Perhaps too openly. Perhaps I frighten some people with it. But the reality of it is: all I'm doing is being myself, and because of it, I feel good. IRL, I'm peppy, pretty energetic, sometimes bitchy; online, I express the dark part of myself that isn't always socially acceptable. I write tragic stories, put characters through lots of hardships. I dissect the psychology of the good and the bad and sometimes lose myself in horrible characters just so I can write them right.
If I didn't have that, I do believe I'd go mad. Expressing the inner darkness is the outlet that allows for outwards happiness. One cannot exist without the other.
I'll admit: I, too, use humor as a defense mechanism. Reasons for it can vary, but I daresay it usually will be used as a means not to take things too seriously. A good example would be laughing at a funeral - which I literally did some 15 or so years ago, at church, along with the friend whose grandmother had just passed. I suppose it'll have come across as disrespectful; for us, it was just a way of softening the pain to a manageable level. Laughter can greatly reduce pain, just as it can hide it.
The problem comes when one isn't allowed to express pain and sorrow - or think they are not allowed to do so. To some degree, we are all taught to fit a certain mould, and everything that breaks said mould is shunned. People, as a whole, seek normalcy and the acceptance normalcy brings. But what, exactly, is this sought after normalcy?
Every person has a story to tell, and chances are it will deviate from the norm in some way. What do I define as 'the norm'? Good childhood, two loving parents, go through school successfully, get a job, get a partner, have a kid, have a home, grow old and die. At least, such is the norm that has been taught to us, through education, society, media, you name it. These are the tropes most used in commercials and advertising in general as I've seen it.
Change one of those tropes - does it make you abnormal? Are you abnormal should you have had but one parent, or if you happen to fall for the same sex, or if you drop out of school? And these tropes don't even take into consideration that, mentally, you might be different. Artists are often thought of as 'different', and I suppose we do act differently since we don't (want/need to) abide by the norms. But a non-abider can feel very alone in the world. In that respect, internet is a true blessing. It allows individuals to express their uniqueness and find like-minded people. With 7 billion people in the world, chances are you're not as unusual as you may think.
But every person is unique in their own right. Personally, I'm a native French speaker who lives on the Dutch side of Belgium and whose main language has become English to accommodate the fact I write Fantasy stories in English. I can't connect to 'normal' people here. Being an English writer offers me no job perspectives. I hide my frustration and my disgust towards a society that's breaking people behind non-committal smiles and the occasional veiled sarcasm. The less 'accepted' I feel, the more I commit myself to defeating the odds my way - I become more myself.
Paradoxically, when you choose to put down the mask(s), you put down the pain hidden beneath. We are taught not to show vulnerability or weakness; in reality, carrying alone the burden of pain is what makes us weak. It only takes one look at the increasing rate of burnouts in my country, and recent job-related suicides, caused by a company's unwillingness to hear employees' pain, to realize humans aren't made to carry heavy burdens alone. Yet this is where society leads us. This is, basically, what we are teaching our youth is 'the norm'. A life devoid of worth. A life of pain, that must be ended prematurely. A hollow, masked life.
Smiles may hide the pain, but they don't make it go away: they only make the pain a little more bearable. When people smile with you, you feel accepted, included, and create for yourself the pressure to perform your role well lest you may lose people's favours.
Every person has a shred of darkness in their heart. Is darkness necessarily evil? No. Just as light isn't necessarily good. Evil starts where disrespect begins. In fact, I saw a telling quote pass on my social media once that illustrates my thought:
Religion aside, this expresses what the yin yang philosophy is all about: there is light in darkness and darkness in light; neither can exist without the other, or harmony cannot be achieved. As hard as it is, one needs to accept their darkness if they want to truly live. You can't change who you are, but you can change the way you think, the way you perceive the world. It all starts with being honest with yourself.
Don't smile if you feel like crying. Find someone to talk to instead - someone you can be yourself with. Someone who won't judge you. And if you know no such person: talk to a blog. Imagine that someone is listening. Or just imagine that you're venting at the world. Express the darkness in a positive way. There is no shame or guilt to be had.
I do believe that, if the clown dares to be sad, and the angry man dares to be vulnerable, we'd be on the way to building a very different sort of society. We're taught to follow the herd or be left behind; but the herd runs so fast that it becomes nigh impossible to keep up. And when you decide to stop trying, you realize there really is no reason to follow the herd.
But, perhaps I'm a utopist. I certainly sound like one. As I said to a close friend recently: I'd rather be a utopist than accept things will never get better in the world. In the meantime, I'll follow my own path through the darkness while following a trail of stars. And keep using laughter as a shield.
Your soul enlighten your dark mind :)
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