Friday, April 28, 2017
On fear
This morning, as I discovered one of our closest friends has added their support to my Patreon, a thought hit me.
For someone who's afraid of wasting time, I waste a lot of it.
I am self-proclaimed chronophobic. Why do I claim it? Because the passing of time, and wasting said time, terrifies me. I've tried and make the person at the unemployment office understand that this isn't an excuse - the thought of spending an hour on a tramway, sitting there, with nothing to do, creates a wave of panic in me that makes me mentally scream. I think any phobic can understand that panic feeling. So when you're 36 and have been dealing with this feeling since realizing, 11 years ago, that a quarter of your life was gone and you had nothing to show for it, it does complicate a lot of things that other people don't think about.
After purging my Facebook of unsupportive people (even people I care about to this day), and feeling how much freer I feel now, I rrealize just how much I waste my time.
Right now, I'm wasting it being afraid of wasting it. For all my advisory skills when it comes to the lives of others, I really suck at making my own life better. But then, the issue there is that I KNOW what I should be doing... but I'm terrified of forcing us into poverty. It's a guilt I don't want to live with.
Yet, I don't know how long I'll be able to struggle. I don't know why I am absolutely certain I ought to make a financially irresponsable choice. Maybe because I function better when in need. Also because I feel the struggle is going to make me fail the Patreon. A clear choice must be made (and is, truth be told, already made for me). And then, I feel like this issue is one of luxury and I should think about all the people who struggle to make ends meet.
I am so tired of struggling.
I've reached a point where the very thought of applying for a job seems like a moot point as I have a job. There is nothing out there that motivates me - and, no, money doesn't motivate me at all. I couldn't care less about it (but, thankfully, bf does care about it :D). I've always said: all I want in life is to be happy. Currently, this isn't much the case. Not that I have no reason to feel happiness; rather, I feel like I'm killing myself a little bit more every time I worry about the future and about time passing me by and wasting said time trying to be someone I'm simply not.
If you follow this journal, you'll have noticed I've written quite a few negative posts lately. This is my way of getting the negativity out. The fact I've been writing more than usual is directly related to how implosive I'm feeling at this time. I really feel like I'm struggling every day to be the person I'm expected to be. Every day I feel a little more depressed because I feel trapped in this life, in these choices made for me. Every day I feel what's important to me slipping away from my grasp.
I want to take a risk I feel isn't one, even though it appears to be one at the time. I want to succeed. I want to succeed not only for myself, but so one day I can tell others: yes, I took a risk, it was hard for a while, but then we made it. We made it. And dear gods if I made it, then so can you!
Having been depressed for 10 years in my youth (15-25), I find my priorities different from other people. I can't relate to people who are all 'suck it up and find a job!'. I understand them - I understand the logic behind the words - but all I get wondering then is: what dream did you sacrifice in order to be here still? With the amount of burn-outs and long-term sicknesses increasing every year, I get wondering: is that what is expected of me? Back to square one? Fuck you no.
I'll admit: selfishly, I want to be an inspiration. I'm the kind of person who thinks: there's a reason for things to be happening. I'm also the kind of person who thinks: you've got to listen to your gut feeling. Even if your gut is saying: stop everything and focus on the dream. And I want to succeed so I get to tell other people that, wherever you come from, whatever you've experienced, you can make it too. And then, I'd be in a position to help others succeed at their dreams, as well. That's the ultimate goal of my life, I think.
So, all this said, what am I going to do now? I seriously don't know. I can't really handle the stress right now. So, I'll see about just going forward for now.
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Hard times
(boy am I glad I kept this journal. And changed its utility. <<)
As I get older, I find that just being honest with yourself can make things better. Sure, it won't land you a job nor a few Patrons (although, desperation seems to sell << XD (<3 if you read this - you know who you are)), it will certainly not put food on your platter nor pay the roof over your head.
But it can help you just to keep going. And it's only by going that you can discover where you're supposed to go.
I've felt depressed this past week. I know a part of it is the lack of interest in the Patreon (and I'm not gonna emphasize the fact this really needs to work because I'm unemployed and there's basically no suitable work around here); the major part is the stress of having to go every week to a job-seeking 'meeting' of sorts. Looking for work isn't stressing me; it's not wanting to look for work despite knowing better that's depressing me and making me feel like a failure in life (not to mention it's making me life-tired because of course e.e). This in turn affects productivity and inspiration, down to making me feel I'm never gonna be able to keep the Patreon going and what have I gotten myself into and ugh and gods and...
And, then, some rationality takes back over and I can at least try to get a logical grip on the situation.
I have a sore shoulder from my previous job - that and a year and a half old bruise on my left thigh that, if it turns out to be a torn muscle as my doctor believes, will never heal. Every fucking day I am reminded (and oh I'm hitting a nerve because I'm getting tears here <<) that I worked a job I didn't like, pushed through beyond limits (and even beyond those limits) for the sake of colleagues. Even after my leg injury, instead of going to a doctor, I waited for three days until I had a day off. Blood had spread throughout that thigh. But you know what? I went back to work. Because I cared about my colleagues and didn't want them to suffer for my absence.
Then, when my job ended, the way it ended, I realized I'd done all of this for nothing.
I sacrificed my health to ultimately be chewed out by my boss for abandoning him - a man I had a lot of respect and care for. I haven't heard from him again.
I am angry and disgusted. Even now, almost a year later: I feel disgusted. And I vowed to myself that it was THE LAST FUCKING TIME I sacrifice myself and my health for someone else.
That's why the Patreon is so important. That's why it has to succeed. That's also why I can't get myself motivated to work for anyone except myself (here, I had to register myself as an independent to be able to start the Patreon). And it's why, despite knowing better, despite needing funds, despite knowing I need a job... I can't do it. Not anymore. I can't get past the disgust and the rage.
More than anything, I can't get past the amazing feeling of being considered independent. Sure, at this point, it's just a word. I'm currently earning $23 from the Patreon. To me, this 23 is worth the world, even if it doesn't pay the bills.
This money, I earn through doing what I was born for. What I am made for. Despite lack of inspiration, despite feeling like a failure for it, despite fears and doubts that I won't succeed... Writing is in my heart and in my blood. It's what makes me live. I asked myself the very honest question: what if I just quit the (failing) Patreon thing and went back to looking for a regular job? I cry. And I don't want to live anymore, because doing that would be wasting my life. I've wasted so many years already - depression, social phobia, myoma-induced migraines, physical and mental exhaustion... I've been beating around the bush for so many years because I was so afraid of failing at what really matters to me.
I refuse to keep doing that. As hard as things can get. And, thankfully, I can count on husband-to-be's support. It wasn't so long ago that I was the one supporting him financially while he went for the dream. The fact he's reached it not only makes me happy, but also puts the sacrifice that was my previous job into perspective. He's the one I did it for, in the end. And it paid off.
This money, I earn through doing what I was born for. What I am made for. Despite lack of inspiration, despite feeling like a failure for it, despite fears and doubts that I won't succeed... Writing is in my heart and in my blood. It's what makes me live. I asked myself the very honest question: what if I just quit the (failing) Patreon thing and went back to looking for a regular job? I cry. And I don't want to live anymore, because doing that would be wasting my life. I've wasted so many years already - depression, social phobia, myoma-induced migraines, physical and mental exhaustion... I've been beating around the bush for so many years because I was so afraid of failing at what really matters to me.
I refuse to keep doing that. As hard as things can get. And, thankfully, I can count on husband-to-be's support. It wasn't so long ago that I was the one supporting him financially while he went for the dream. The fact he's reached it not only makes me happy, but also puts the sacrifice that was my previous job into perspective. He's the one I did it for, in the end. And it paid off.
Honestly, I thought about making some sort of video regarding this topic. I don't like the way I look or sound, I also don't like making videos, but I feel it'd be a reinforcing step. For me. Heck I still need to make the introduction video, but that's a hard thing to do when you don't feel all too well mentally XD (I also just don't know how to seel myself or what I do... To think I worked in retail for 10 years. <<). I feel like I don't make people understand well enough what I'm about. And how much I appreciate those who believe in me - whether talking to me, supporting me, or being a part of the Patreon.
Also, it felt good writing this all up. Like I say: being honest with yourself makes things better. At least for me. And so does venting. <<
So what's the next step? I don't know. Keeping the faith, for one... and just seeing where the road brings me.
Friday, April 21, 2017
... and some remain
Hyeah I know: OMG YOU SAID YOU WERE LEAVING.
Well, this very morning, I realized I still need this blog for one thing: venting. This is the only place I feel comfortable talking about more personal things, partly because no one (few people?) read it, partly because its name is fitting: 'through the thinking glass'. I've always liked to vent in public journals because it always gives me the feeling I'm heard, even when it isn't the case.
So, here goes.
As I've mentioned quite a few times now, I started a Patreon. Al goed en wel, as we say here; at this point I don't know whether it'll be a success or not, but I didn't want to regret not doing it (despite the administrative hoops you have to jump through in Belgium, made more difficult because like no one has even heard of Patreon). Same kind of feeling when I went to the States 10 years ago to meet the friend who'd become my ex: the what-if overshadowed normal rationale. In the long run, it was a beneficial endeavour, much as I regret how things went down. Losing friendships is always a sad thing, but then, that one's really largely on me.
I've thought more about this situation lately by talking about it with a DA gal who's quickly become one of my most trusted and best friends (funny how those things happen between antisocial people XD), moreso by watching the Patreon launch basically fizzle (but then, that was to be expected: I never do things right at the first try). Fact is: I'm in this for the long run. A botched launch won't stop me. Now that I've finally admitted to myself that this is the career for me, not even unemployment and the risk of losing social welfare is enough to deter me. This has to succeed, and it will, because I say so. It may just not succeed as I plan it. But then, I have that metaphysical trust in life, so considering how right my choices feel, I can but accept my life's not meant to be simple. Never has, never will. Without bf (whom I'm looking forward to hopefully this year start calling husband dammit), and his support, I'd be very lost indeed.
You may wonder: so, weren't you going to vent about something? Yep. And the venting part about this all is: I've gotten more support in my life endeavours from people I've never met in real life, than from people whom I've called friends, whom I still care about, and who can't even take fucking 5 seconds to share a stupid Facebook post despite having been tagged and online. I'm angry. And it creates the ugly thought that I better be successful one day because I want to rub my success in their goddamn faces and gloat. I guess the good thing about this is, the fewer RL people seem to care about me and what I do, the more I'm pitbull-y determined to make this a success. But, all the while: it hurts. I've been contemplating shutting down FB entirely, or removing these people, but I can't seem to do it. Plus, I know better than to make decisions while in a non-rational state of mind. I can't help that I'm angry; I can help being an ass about it.
So if you've read this: please spread the word. It may make no visible difference, but to me, it means the world. Better yet: if you have a dollar to spare every month, think of me.
The other part of success is that I want to be able to return what I've been given. Eventually, I'd like to be able to support others in their endeavours (in other ways than just psychological - my friend called me Deviantart's shrink XD), but first I need to be able to support myself. And that can only happen by doing what I'm doing, keep going forward, create, trust, and all them happy things. I'll admit, I've been going downhill for a while again, which is likely a big part of the reason I needed to vent. My inspiration has been lacking. But I remind myself that, if I quit doing this, the other alternative is dying - and boy oh boy are we far from ready to take that plunge. I better be old by then. XD
So, yep. That was the venting. Now onto getting some writing done, as I've had some ideas.
(and having said all that, I'm starting to rationally feel I should remove the people who don't support me. As much as I care. But why do I choose to hurt myself by watching, every day, how little they really care in return?)
Well, this very morning, I realized I still need this blog for one thing: venting. This is the only place I feel comfortable talking about more personal things, partly because no one (few people?) read it, partly because its name is fitting: 'through the thinking glass'. I've always liked to vent in public journals because it always gives me the feeling I'm heard, even when it isn't the case.
So, here goes.
As I've mentioned quite a few times now, I started a Patreon. Al goed en wel, as we say here; at this point I don't know whether it'll be a success or not, but I didn't want to regret not doing it (despite the administrative hoops you have to jump through in Belgium, made more difficult because like no one has even heard of Patreon). Same kind of feeling when I went to the States 10 years ago to meet the friend who'd become my ex: the what-if overshadowed normal rationale. In the long run, it was a beneficial endeavour, much as I regret how things went down. Losing friendships is always a sad thing, but then, that one's really largely on me.
I've thought more about this situation lately by talking about it with a DA gal who's quickly become one of my most trusted and best friends (funny how those things happen between antisocial people XD), moreso by watching the Patreon launch basically fizzle (but then, that was to be expected: I never do things right at the first try). Fact is: I'm in this for the long run. A botched launch won't stop me. Now that I've finally admitted to myself that this is the career for me, not even unemployment and the risk of losing social welfare is enough to deter me. This has to succeed, and it will, because I say so. It may just not succeed as I plan it. But then, I have that metaphysical trust in life, so considering how right my choices feel, I can but accept my life's not meant to be simple. Never has, never will. Without bf (whom I'm looking forward to hopefully this year start calling husband dammit), and his support, I'd be very lost indeed.
You may wonder: so, weren't you going to vent about something? Yep. And the venting part about this all is: I've gotten more support in my life endeavours from people I've never met in real life, than from people whom I've called friends, whom I still care about, and who can't even take fucking 5 seconds to share a stupid Facebook post despite having been tagged and online. I'm angry. And it creates the ugly thought that I better be successful one day because I want to rub my success in their goddamn faces and gloat. I guess the good thing about this is, the fewer RL people seem to care about me and what I do, the more I'm pitbull-y determined to make this a success. But, all the while: it hurts. I've been contemplating shutting down FB entirely, or removing these people, but I can't seem to do it. Plus, I know better than to make decisions while in a non-rational state of mind. I can't help that I'm angry; I can help being an ass about it.
So if you've read this: please spread the word. It may make no visible difference, but to me, it means the world. Better yet: if you have a dollar to spare every month, think of me.
The other part of success is that I want to be able to return what I've been given. Eventually, I'd like to be able to support others in their endeavours (in other ways than just psychological - my friend called me Deviantart's shrink XD), but first I need to be able to support myself. And that can only happen by doing what I'm doing, keep going forward, create, trust, and all them happy things. I'll admit, I've been going downhill for a while again, which is likely a big part of the reason I needed to vent. My inspiration has been lacking. But I remind myself that, if I quit doing this, the other alternative is dying - and boy oh boy are we far from ready to take that plunge. I better be old by then. XD
So, yep. That was the venting. Now onto getting some writing done, as I've had some ideas.
(and having said all that, I'm starting to rationally feel I should remove the people who don't support me. As much as I care. But why do I choose to hurt myself by watching, every day, how little they really care in return?)
Thursday, April 20, 2017
New seeds were sown...
You may have noticed that I got a bit quiet lately.
Part of it is trying to get the Patreon running (go and have a look: https://www.patreon.com/TalesfromAeyuu)
Part of it is having life taking precedence, decreasing the time/mind for creativity (two doctor's appointments last week, nothing major, and two yet to plan, nothing major, on top of looking for work, major stress)
Part of it is living because I do have a life outside of internet XD
Part of it is that I'm busy rebooting my site, this time on Wordpress, and that it seems like the most logical step is to move the blog from here to there. It makes more sense having everything grouped, as much as possible; I have FB updates, Twitter poetry, Patreon updates, and now I want to have Wordpress updates so I can let people know easily when new stories are up (which is the point of that site)
So if you haven't already, please check https://talesfromaeyuu.wordpress.com/, follow it/bookmark it, and keep your eyes peeled for Tales from Aeyuu-related stuff (and maybe more, I never know). For artwork, there's http://nocturnaliss.deviantart.com/, and for everything else there are several places to follow me. XD
The list of places:
https://www.patreon.com/TalesfromAeyuu
https://talesfromaeyuu.wordpress.com/
https://twitter.com/TalesfromAeyuu
https://www.facebook.com/TalesfromAeyuu/
http://nocturnaliss.deviantart.com/
(and I hope I didn't forget any)
Thanks for following me here guys! Hopefully you've enjoyed the ride :D I'll see you later. X3
Part of it is trying to get the Patreon running (go and have a look: https://www.patreon.com/TalesfromAeyuu)
Part of it is having life taking precedence, decreasing the time/mind for creativity (two doctor's appointments last week, nothing major, and two yet to plan, nothing major, on top of looking for work, major stress)
Part of it is living because I do have a life outside of internet XD
Part of it is that I'm busy rebooting my site, this time on Wordpress, and that it seems like the most logical step is to move the blog from here to there. It makes more sense having everything grouped, as much as possible; I have FB updates, Twitter poetry, Patreon updates, and now I want to have Wordpress updates so I can let people know easily when new stories are up (which is the point of that site)
So if you haven't already, please check https://talesfromaeyuu.wordpress.com/, follow it/bookmark it, and keep your eyes peeled for Tales from Aeyuu-related stuff (and maybe more, I never know). For artwork, there's http://nocturnaliss.deviantart.com/, and for everything else there are several places to follow me. XD
The list of places:
https://www.patreon.com/TalesfromAeyuu
https://talesfromaeyuu.wordpress.com/
https://twitter.com/TalesfromAeyuu
https://www.facebook.com/TalesfromAeyuu/
http://nocturnaliss.deviantart.com/
(and I hope I didn't forget any)
Thanks for following me here guys! Hopefully you've enjoyed the ride :D I'll see you later. X3
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
And on THAT note...
It's funny how life can seem so much different in a couple of hours.
Seriously: I need to place a reminder, somewhere, that when I feel like crap it means I need to WRITE. Or I could cross-stich something. I dunno. But it needs to be visible, somewhere.
Today was another unemployment agency day. I didn't learn much, but I did get to talk to my new counselor today and discovered that: y'know, she does understand me. And with that, and what I'd mentioned earlier, my mind seems to be switching back to a more relative approach to life and all it entails.
Also: for some reason, Google isn't giving pertinent results. Because today, at the group session (we had laptops and a small recess), when I searched 'Nocturnaliss Patreon' on their avg-protected-search engine, I got completely different results. Not only did my Patreon page show up, but I discovered someone had made a reddit and posted to the 'promote your Patreon' feed (I think I know who it is, so I'll have to inquire). Tried it now on Bing, and it gives those pertinent results as well. But not Facebook, which Google does show. I'm like... wtf how can I fix it? o.O
But discovering how well she understands me (she filled in some forms and therein mentioned, by herself, that I'm a writer and my goal is to live from my craft!!! When I saw it, I told her I was about to cry because she's the first person to have understood this), and that someone made a 'Support Nocturnaliss' account on reddit just... made my day.
I honestly don't know what the future holds, but I think I've been too tightly holding on - to my desires, to my fears, to my refusals... that I somehow just created this negative 'brainjuice' for said brain to stew in.
So.
Well, the aim is and will remain getting that Patreon to be succesful. But success can't be measured in money alone: its success will be that I get to share my works, that people get to enjoy it, and that their support will mean I can just give them more of what they (will come to (let's be blindly optimistic)) love. And that said, I should really re-write my Patreon, yet again, to reflect that. Eternally indecisive. XD
Oh and, in other news: I drew. It started with a tiny redline, then I made a bigger one, then I did more, then I just drew a new sketch, and when the friend who I was helping out said 'you have to upload to DA!', I thought: yeah but no it's not nearly good enough! ... and then the below happened.
And he was like: I should commission you for the rest of my OCs! And I wondered what I had done ;.; XD (frankly though, I'll certainly revisit his characters because 1. they're fun and have great detailing 2. I really need to draw more XD).
Let's just go forward and see where we end up :)
(oh and, I stopped drinking coffee. Might be for today, might be for a few days, might be for longer, but I need to purge my system. I think the issue is that it improves brainpower but at the same time creates a flood of thoughts that exhaust me. So, physiological experiment here <<)
And now I have cat on my lap resting on my left arm so typing hard. The end. XD
Seriously: I need to place a reminder, somewhere, that when I feel like crap it means I need to WRITE. Or I could cross-stich something. I dunno. But it needs to be visible, somewhere.
Today was another unemployment agency day. I didn't learn much, but I did get to talk to my new counselor today and discovered that: y'know, she does understand me. And with that, and what I'd mentioned earlier, my mind seems to be switching back to a more relative approach to life and all it entails.
Also: for some reason, Google isn't giving pertinent results. Because today, at the group session (we had laptops and a small recess), when I searched 'Nocturnaliss Patreon' on their avg-protected-search engine, I got completely different results. Not only did my Patreon page show up, but I discovered someone had made a reddit and posted to the 'promote your Patreon' feed (I think I know who it is, so I'll have to inquire). Tried it now on Bing, and it gives those pertinent results as well. But not Facebook, which Google does show. I'm like... wtf how can I fix it? o.O
But discovering how well she understands me (she filled in some forms and therein mentioned, by herself, that I'm a writer and my goal is to live from my craft!!! When I saw it, I told her I was about to cry because she's the first person to have understood this), and that someone made a 'Support Nocturnaliss' account on reddit just... made my day.
I honestly don't know what the future holds, but I think I've been too tightly holding on - to my desires, to my fears, to my refusals... that I somehow just created this negative 'brainjuice' for said brain to stew in.
So.
Well, the aim is and will remain getting that Patreon to be succesful. But success can't be measured in money alone: its success will be that I get to share my works, that people get to enjoy it, and that their support will mean I can just give them more of what they (will come to (let's be blindly optimistic)) love. And that said, I should really re-write my Patreon, yet again, to reflect that. Eternally indecisive. XD
Oh and, in other news: I drew. It started with a tiny redline, then I made a bigger one, then I did more, then I just drew a new sketch, and when the friend who I was helping out said 'you have to upload to DA!', I thought: yeah but no it's not nearly good enough! ... and then the below happened.
And he was like: I should commission you for the rest of my OCs! And I wondered what I had done ;.; XD (frankly though, I'll certainly revisit his characters because 1. they're fun and have great detailing 2. I really need to draw more XD).
Let's just go forward and see where we end up :)
(oh and, I stopped drinking coffee. Might be for today, might be for a few days, might be for longer, but I need to purge my system. I think the issue is that it improves brainpower but at the same time creates a flood of thoughts that exhaust me. So, physiological experiment here <<)
And now I have cat on my lap resting on my left arm so typing hard. The end. XD
On Life and Expectations
And to get it first out of the way:
That's for that. XD
Now for the main reason I'm posting.
And that reason is: I'm not feeling well. Emphasized by the fact just typing this out almost made me cry; sure, part of it is just a natural spike in hormones. The other part is that I am way more stressed, way more anxious, than I've realized.
It all starts with memory lapses; I've been forgetting much more than I used to. That has been going on for a few months now. Then comes a feeling of pressure; as though the air itself, so insidiously you don't even notice at first, is compressing your mind until it short-circuits.
And then comes the fear. Fear of everything; fear of failure, fear of being a failure, fear of losing (financial) stability, and it evolves to encompass even more: fear of never being able to write again, fear of failing at that Patreon, fear of being a slave to society until I die, fear of dying - fear of just not seeing the point of living anymore. I know I've said before - I think it was last year - that I wouldn't fear anymore. Goes to show how difficult a promise that can be to uphold.
It could just be that my lack of writing for about a month has a negative effect on me - after all, that is my passion and joy. What's left when you neglect your passion and joy? Well, see up there.
On that note, I did write a paragraph this morning (and won't have much time for more), and though it was hard at first, eventually it started to flow better.
I could literally feel that pressure I mentioned leave my brain. Like lifting a veil. Like prodding open an airtight bag. All of a sudden, I felt like I could breathe.
So what is causing me anxiety? Outside life. The societal need to have an outside job. The self-realization this is something I will never have again - certainly not as I used to, as I refuse to sacrifice my health and my life again for... for what? All I've gained is a salary. Granted, that salary has paid for many necesities. But this is simply not enough for me. Hence the anxieties.
One could say: well, suck it up, we all have to work for a living. True. Or one could say: don't you think there's worse in the world? Also true. Just turn on the news and discover people have been attacked with biochemical weapons. Next step would be nuclear warfare. You never know.
I think about all these things. I have anxieties from sometimes not being able to stop thinking about them; or about the fact I'm such a weak, pathetic human being compared to the thousands and more who just go to work, earn a living for their families, and shut up about it.
And then I get depressed over the fact so many people, like this, are forced to live a life they didn't really choose; that they, perhaps, don't really care about.
I daresay sensitive people really aren't made for the world we live in.
When you're so dissynchronized with the rest of your society, you start to wonder: why. Why am I here. What am I here to do. Why should I live. Or, better yet: what am I supposed to force to change?
It's the flipside to those anxieties (and, I must say, writing about this is actually alleviating my anxiety... Don't joke when I say I'm nothing if not a writer << (there's the emoticon! :D)). You can keep thinking you don't fit in; or, you can start thinking you're not meant to fit in but to change. Change what, I don't know, but change something.
And work with what you have.
And working with what I have really is the reason I started that Patreon: I have talents. They're useless to me here. I have passions. They're also useless to me here. And I have issues that make people roll their eyes (I mentioned my chronophobia to the new work counselor I have: she laughed. Not to laugh, she said, but because it's something you don't hear. It was upsetting nonetheless; moreso when I discovered yesterday that she sent me a mail for a job that's over an hour away if I'm lucky). I feel truly misunderstood - or, rather, I feel like people don't listen to one another, not really, and just hear what they can absorb. I am guilty of it too, at times... I know I'm that way when I don't feel well. Does that mean the figurative whole world doesn't feel well?
Well, I am tired of feeling unwell. The Patreon will have to be a success because, frankly, I can't - and won't - keep dealing with this anxiety; or with being made to feel like I don't matter because I don't fit in. There's a very egotistical and paradoxally altruistic goal attached to it: one day, I want to be able to say I succeeded despite the odds, so I can give hope to others. I want to be able to tell people: sure, I had a rough time starting it up, but eventually it was all worth while. You can do it too.
Right now, all I want is to fall off the face of society and build a different kind of society. I want to have the opportunity to help others, truly help them, and not be forced into 'helping myself' by seeking out jobs I have no motivation for. I don't want to feel like I'd rather die instead of being forced to kill myself slowly on a workfloor. That's truly how my last outside job felt. I still have physical scars from it.
Well, I guess I ranted long enough. I actually have to be somewhere pretty soon, so I'd best get on with the having lunch and suches.
Only positive point: this has done me TONS OF GOOD. Hurray for writing! And being brutally open. XD
That's for that. XD
Now for the main reason I'm posting.
And that reason is: I'm not feeling well. Emphasized by the fact just typing this out almost made me cry; sure, part of it is just a natural spike in hormones. The other part is that I am way more stressed, way more anxious, than I've realized.
It all starts with memory lapses; I've been forgetting much more than I used to. That has been going on for a few months now. Then comes a feeling of pressure; as though the air itself, so insidiously you don't even notice at first, is compressing your mind until it short-circuits.
And then comes the fear. Fear of everything; fear of failure, fear of being a failure, fear of losing (financial) stability, and it evolves to encompass even more: fear of never being able to write again, fear of failing at that Patreon, fear of being a slave to society until I die, fear of dying - fear of just not seeing the point of living anymore. I know I've said before - I think it was last year - that I wouldn't fear anymore. Goes to show how difficult a promise that can be to uphold.
It could just be that my lack of writing for about a month has a negative effect on me - after all, that is my passion and joy. What's left when you neglect your passion and joy? Well, see up there.
On that note, I did write a paragraph this morning (and won't have much time for more), and though it was hard at first, eventually it started to flow better.
I could literally feel that pressure I mentioned leave my brain. Like lifting a veil. Like prodding open an airtight bag. All of a sudden, I felt like I could breathe.
So what is causing me anxiety? Outside life. The societal need to have an outside job. The self-realization this is something I will never have again - certainly not as I used to, as I refuse to sacrifice my health and my life again for... for what? All I've gained is a salary. Granted, that salary has paid for many necesities. But this is simply not enough for me. Hence the anxieties.
One could say: well, suck it up, we all have to work for a living. True. Or one could say: don't you think there's worse in the world? Also true. Just turn on the news and discover people have been attacked with biochemical weapons. Next step would be nuclear warfare. You never know.
I think about all these things. I have anxieties from sometimes not being able to stop thinking about them; or about the fact I'm such a weak, pathetic human being compared to the thousands and more who just go to work, earn a living for their families, and shut up about it.
And then I get depressed over the fact so many people, like this, are forced to live a life they didn't really choose; that they, perhaps, don't really care about.
I daresay sensitive people really aren't made for the world we live in.
When you're so dissynchronized with the rest of your society, you start to wonder: why. Why am I here. What am I here to do. Why should I live. Or, better yet: what am I supposed to force to change?
It's the flipside to those anxieties (and, I must say, writing about this is actually alleviating my anxiety... Don't joke when I say I'm nothing if not a writer << (there's the emoticon! :D)). You can keep thinking you don't fit in; or, you can start thinking you're not meant to fit in but to change. Change what, I don't know, but change something.
And work with what you have.
And working with what I have really is the reason I started that Patreon: I have talents. They're useless to me here. I have passions. They're also useless to me here. And I have issues that make people roll their eyes (I mentioned my chronophobia to the new work counselor I have: she laughed. Not to laugh, she said, but because it's something you don't hear. It was upsetting nonetheless; moreso when I discovered yesterday that she sent me a mail for a job that's over an hour away if I'm lucky). I feel truly misunderstood - or, rather, I feel like people don't listen to one another, not really, and just hear what they can absorb. I am guilty of it too, at times... I know I'm that way when I don't feel well. Does that mean the figurative whole world doesn't feel well?
Well, I am tired of feeling unwell. The Patreon will have to be a success because, frankly, I can't - and won't - keep dealing with this anxiety; or with being made to feel like I don't matter because I don't fit in. There's a very egotistical and paradoxally altruistic goal attached to it: one day, I want to be able to say I succeeded despite the odds, so I can give hope to others. I want to be able to tell people: sure, I had a rough time starting it up, but eventually it was all worth while. You can do it too.
Right now, all I want is to fall off the face of society and build a different kind of society. I want to have the opportunity to help others, truly help them, and not be forced into 'helping myself' by seeking out jobs I have no motivation for. I don't want to feel like I'd rather die instead of being forced to kill myself slowly on a workfloor. That's truly how my last outside job felt. I still have physical scars from it.
Well, I guess I ranted long enough. I actually have to be somewhere pretty soon, so I'd best get on with the having lunch and suches.
Only positive point: this has done me TONS OF GOOD. Hurray for writing! And being brutally open. XD
Saturday, April 1, 2017
PATREON LAUNCHED
We've been on this all day and have yet to eat dinner at 9PM, so for today I'll leave it at that: I've finally gotten that Patreon launched. FINALLY.
Here it is!
https://www.patreon.com/TalesfromAeyuu
And now it's time to eat. Longer post coming in the coming days <<
Here it is!
https://www.patreon.com/TalesfromAeyuu
And now it's time to eat. Longer post coming in the coming days <<
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