Take the heat away x.x

I'm starting to feel like I'm an old car (or my scooter): when not used enough, it needs a jumpstart. I started complaining to myself about not being able to write... and then randomness ensued.

I wish I could write
:(
Why can't I write?
What's keeping me from enjoying myself?
Is it the heat killing my brain?
Is it the stress of real life
always breathing down my neck?
I feel like I'm imploding
Nuclear warfare
Leads to despair
I feel like crying
I feel like dying
Because running away is the easiest way
out
of the black
So exhausted
So tired of everything being so hard
Stressed out by support
By the pressure, self-imposed
Choosing to be different from the others
But has it ever been a choice?
Now what I do?
When nothing goes right
And the cat sleeps on my left arm
And the center is all but a wasteland?
You just keep going.
Until the problem solves itself
Until you break down from the stress
And start writing useless
stuff
like this
But hey,
isn't writing bliss?
:)

Funnily enough, writing that up did help. Aside from how depressing parts of it sound XD but hey: that's me. Let's just embrace the inspiration, hmm?

Also, I tramped on the cat's tail this morning (because tabby in the dark = camouflage kitty). 5 seconds later, he was snuggling against my leg. We like to call him 'goldfish brain', sometimes.

That is all.

Not my week

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Not only did I manage to break my Windows

That's me trying to get Start menu to work again

But I also just managed to break Word's hyphen

And, no, I didn't use the tilde button. From one paragraph to the next, my hyphen had become a tilde and the automatic dash stopped working (but I did discover how to make dashes with ctrl <<). Tried copying the text to another document, same issue. And there nothing on Google about this. No idea how I did it.

I do know how I broke my Windows though << good news is that it only took a reinstall to get everything working again. But that's also meant reinstalling all my programs ~.~

You know what they say (or at least I say it): bad things happening in repetition means there's some good on the way. And the best news is that I'm almost done with the administrative formalities for the Patreon. Almost. Damn is Belgium complicated.

That is all. Stupid computers << (and their n00b users who think tinkering with authorizations is smart)

Riding the storm

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First a bit of good news: I (finally!) went to a radiologist for my year-and-a-half-long bruise on my thigh. In case you don't know/remember: I ran into a little door at my former job, at full speed, which resulted in a humongous bruise that lasted for a while. Went to my doctor's about a month ago because it wasn't healing, he sent me to the radiologist, and today I went.

Turns out it's not a torn muscle, but more of a popped fat gland or something. It should've healed and she was surprised it hadn't, so it'll likely stay this way (and keep hurting me <<), but it's nothing serious. My muscles, as she said and I saw on the echography, are in perfect shape. As are my bones. So hurray for that!

Next, less good news: been having some issues again with my mood, and insomnia. I've drastically diminished my coffee consumption (to once or twice a week), but it seems I don't get to drink it two days in a row or I get insomnia/migraine/depressed.

Now, it's not all the caffeine. Part of it is just the disappointment of a slow Patreon growth, the administrative issues (that I'm almost done with), and just the global, natural tendency to feel down when things don't go quite well. That and I've been obsessed with Persona 5 (which I finally completed this weekend after 105 hours!). So I've been thinking about it, observing, and the fact of the matter is I do seem to have some natural cycle regarding my mood. It's annoying, but that's woman -.- all I can really try and do is go with the flow and not try and force myself to do things unless they really have to be done (like administrative things <<). And also avoid being too lenient with myself, which is hard to do << all in all: it's all a matter of understanding oneself and working around your own issues by utilizing your other strengths.

In that respect, it's actually a good thing to be a jack-of-all-trades: when one medium fails you, there's always another one to pick up. It's quite relieving.

Fact is, since taking steps to be 'independent', even when I have periods of time where I feel I'm failing/worthless (because inner nature), something else is there, now, to remind me that there is no other right path and that I will succeed. I just don't know when or how. All I know is I'm going the right way.

And that brings me to Persona 5. Ahh, Persona 5. I'd wanted it at release for its steelbook edition, and dived into it once I got at almost the end of Zelda because I kind of burned myself out on it. Once I started that game up, I was sold.

And I won't go into spoilers or anything because I wouldn't want to ruin it for people who might run into this blog because Persona tag XD but, what I will say is that it made me think. A lot. And transported me to an awesome, stylish world the likes of which I've never seen before. Just look at the intro:

I wanna NG+ just to keep watching it every evening *.*

The game, like really all of the Shin Megami Tensei series, is deep. It's dark, it's psychological, it makes you think, and for me it came at a strange time because I followed a bunch of characters making the choice to live their own life -society be damned!- and stay true to what they believed in. They tried and make it better, following their own sense of justice. And that did resonate with me.

On top of that, it made me think about my life, my friendships, in terms of Confidant Arcana. It even made me wonder: if my life were a Persona game, what would be its theme? 3 had death as central theme, 4 I don't really remember (but I feel its graphic and story-based influence on 5), and 5 has justice. Mine, as I figured out by thinking of my life and certain characteristics of the people close to me, is fear and overcoming it. I have a few friends for whom fear (also anxiety, depression, things that go a bit hand in hand) is a core ingredient of their souls - and some who seem to have gone through it, and conquered it already. The only way to do so is to just keep going, at your own pace, and ignore doubts and worry. You may not make it in the end, but chances are you will get somewhere worthwhile nonetheless.

Break free from that fake self and embrace yourself.

And with that said, a closing statement about the game: I thought it was quite the contemporary societal statement. A lot of what I think about society, I found within it. And I wish I was a Phantom Thief. << XD (but oh my god I'm surely not the only P5 fangirl out there, amirite? XD)

And that is all for now. I'm overall feeling good, even though it seems the day has passed me by and I've yet to do anything productive (but going to a doctor's and spending some time with a close friend does count). I do have ideas. I just need to get to them. <<

It's so hot out here. Damn you summer-approaching. x.x

Inspiration - What lies beyond fear

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Since writing the previous negative posts, I feel like little has realistically changed, but a lot has changed mentally. 

Most importantly, I've managed to calm down my anxieties. I came to the realization there was absolutely no point stressing about things that I have no control over. It's my by-default response to piling worldly stress, but not my inner nature. Letting my anxieties drown out my mind is not only a disservice to me, but to the people who have put some trust in me - whether on Patreon, in real life, or in other ways.

I also realize, and I hate having to admit it, that I'm a coward. I want the easy way out. If things get too hard (whether it is so or just my perception), I want someone to swoop in and fix the situation for me. I don't want to have to take responsability for certain choices. I have grand ideas, but realization is always lacking. In that respect, Patreon will either be my greatest failure, or my grandest success. At this point in time, failure seems more likely.

However, something tells me that my current perception is completely wrong. But it will take time, dedication, and continued trust that I can actually rise beyond everything I have ever been.

Just as I want the Age of Silence to be the best I can make it, I want to be the best I can make myself. 

Beyond depression, beyond social phobia, beyond being shoved at the feet of society for having an unstable résumé and professionnal experience that leads me nowhere; beyond being made to feel like the personality I have built, with pride!, needs to be tweaked back and taken down a notch; beyond my own anxieties, insecurities, ancient scars that though healed still hold some influence over me; I've always been afraid. It's a by-default reaction. So when I make a decision with conviction (such as launching the Patreon), my own conviction scares me. I second-guess myself all the time; calculate, analyze, find ways to tell myself I'm heading towards a wall and that I'd better back out before it's too late.

I've reached a point in my life where I want need to step hard on the gas and break through the wall.

I can't keep living life with regrets. Especially since I have everything at my disposal to lead the life I'm supposed to. I don't seek fame, or riches (though I'll admit I won't turn those down should they cross my path) - what I seek is happiness, and feeling that my life means something. To that effect, relationships are important, Patreon is important, and finding back that trust in life I seem to have misplaced somewhere along my journey.

I don't know where I'm heading from here. I only know I'm actually heading in the right direction, despite reality telling a different story. I'm a firm believer in trusting your gut feeling - and that gut feeling is telling me Patreon, if not a success in itself, will at the very least be a launchpad for something greater. All it will take is for it to gain some momentum, and for me to keep working on Aeyuu.

Funny how life can be so clear once you stop being afraid, and how terrifying that clarity is.

But I can't keep worrying about the what-ifs. I can't keep second-guessing myself. Oh, I'll likely keep doing it - but then it's up to me to remember that these fears aren't a reflection of reality but only a by-product of my life experience. Perhaps this is what I'm meant to overcome in this life (yes, I do believe in karma). All I know is that there are no real coincidences, but only opportunities and paths that can be taken. Patreon, and everything it entails, is my choice.

So whether you read this blog, follow me elsewhere, or are able (and willing/curious) to follow my ascension on Patreon: thank you. Every type of support is important - and, as I have said and will keep saying: what's most important to me is to be read and enjoyed. I work for me, and for the people who will join me on this journey.

Never give up on your dreams, how unattainable they may seem. We create our own lives.

In darkness

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Which isn't as negative as it sounds. Darkness is a place of peace for me. Just wish the insomnia would leave me be so I can concentrate.

I had a discussion with my parents after the last post. It's helped put things more into perspective, if only by knowing I have people behind me who'll support me no matter what. What helps relieve the pressure somewhat is knowing they expect me to fall off the face of 'normal' society eventually. It's a lot more positive than one may think - not the 'we know you'll never get a job' kind of thing, but the 'we know your heart and soul is elsewhere' kind of thing.

It's the kind of luxury I don't take for granted.

So is having people by me, be they few in numbers - but large in scale. Having friends you can count on, family who understands you... Those things are invaluable.

Anyway. I wanted something positive after the few venting posts ;) though I still have issues with stress, insomnia, fear of failure, etc  etc... but, I also realize that not letting go of this things is counter-productive, and against my acquired nature. I don't want to keep stressing over things I have, ultimately, little control over.

What I do have control over is me. The future will be what it is, whatever it is to be, and in the meantime we'll just be going forward as best as possible.

That means a lot of writing. And, hopefully, some awesome sleeping. XD (and some gaming because Persona 5 omg <3)

And that is all. I'm thinking of making a few aesthetic changes to the Patreon to make even clearer what it is I'm doing, because it's not just stories I'm bringing: I'm basically creating a whole world. And I think that really ought to be reflected in the about section.