Today I feel that special kind of numb you feel when life decides to be a special kind of rollercoaster in not even a week's time. I feel stuck in place. I need to talk. I just have to wait until the half I need to talk to comes home, which means several hours left of numb stagnation.
And yup, that's why I'm here << I'd rather get it out and get creating (so expect this post to disappear once its purpose obsolete).

Monday was a good day. Went to the next town, got things in order to start the course - for which I am excited again, especially after talking to an old lady at the bank XD I just randomly started the conversation myself. It felt good. And she was very nice.

Then we had Tuesday. Tuesday was the breaking point. Don't want to get into details, so let's just say my other half made a mistake he'd made the week before, after promising not to do it again. You'll seldom see me upset - but I'm the sort to be then short and cutting and keep to my own corner. The mistake in itself isn't the issue: it's the breach of trust this has induced. Needless to say Tuesday was a terrible day. I'm still a bit angry today, but mostly because of Wednesday.

I'd wanted to talk about it on Wednesday, but then it didn't happen. Oh well, there's today (and today it does have to happen because it's the source of the numb). But Wednesday, ah Wednesday, it was a different kind of upset, at a different person. The frustrated sort of upset when someone projects their fears and uncertainties onto you and don't accept your truth as reality.
And being told by said person they won't be coming for New Year's because they made other plans, with the excuse that nothing had been official yet - even though they'd proposed themselves, maybe a month prior, to do the same thing as last year. I don't mind sudden changes of plans for good reasons (because life); I do mind half-assed excuses when I know the change is not one you want, but one you think you have to make. I'd seriously considered hanging up yesterday, as this occurred through phone. At some point, I got angry (and thus audibly short, but I kept being nice).
The absolute worst part of the conversation was the moment when I realized these people I care about, who are a year older than me, are basically dead.

And that leads to the feeling that has been the issue for me this week (the upside of being a writer and thus deep into psychology is that, eventually, you get to apply all you learn to yourself): I feel alone. I feel the kind of alone that you feel when you realize, hingsight aiding, how much you have evolved over the years, but also how adamant you are to keep evolving and learning... and seeing people around you not do the same. It hit me with other half's mistake, but really beat me up yesterday on the phone when I felt the psychic death dripping from every word and protective laugh of the person on the other end. I don't want to advance alone. Not that I can't do it - rather, what I want is to lead people along onto this path.

When you care about people, you want the best for them. I don't claim to know what is best for another, though. However, I'm not one to ignore intuition (and coincidences), either. One half I can help (if he opens up to being the best him I know he can be, because oh so much untapped potential); but I can't help the dead. It's a horrible thing to think and to say. Frankly, I want to cancel tonight's plans with them. I don't feel in a position where I can deal with this feeling. I still feel numb, as though I can't decide which way I'm supposed to go. Part of me wants to cry it out. The strong(?) part of me just wants to seethe. And the whole of me is thinking: what now.

Chances are, in a few days, I'll reflect on this and realize it's been a positive breaking point. Once you decide to live your life the best you can and seize every opportunity to improve it, even the bad stuff doesn't seem so bad - because you look through it all, at the core of the problems, and seek a way to learn from it and make good changes. It's become a way of life (I don't dare say second nature, even though it really feels like it). I just... wish I knew, right now, which way to go. I need to talk. That's really the main thing right now. I need things sorted.

Gods it's gonna be a long day @.@