First of all: merry christmas to everyone! Hope it's been a good day ^^ we basically just sat around and chilled after a great evening at the inlaws', with my parents... so, Sunday was Lazeday. I spent 12 hours on FF15 without realizing. Only when I went to save because I was going to bed did I see I'd gone from 48 hours to 60. ... I guess it's a good use of a holiday << XD;
Now, with the end of year fast approaching, I've been debating with myself what I'll be doing on this blog that'd be worthwhile. This year I'd picked characters because I'd wanted to share more about them, but also about what they mean/represent to me. Along the way I worked more on stories, world building, and with the goal in mind to get a story published next year I set forth on an editing quest that is taking me back to the very beginnings of the planet because of course. Seriously, I'm figuring out little details that are important in the long run but have nothing to do with the story being edited, such as where predators come from XD but everything ties together and it's not just a good (dare I say great? <<) story I want to provide, but a breathing world. And it's come to my own attention that there's still a lot for me to determine and understand before I can successfully edit a story... so, here's to many more weeks' work. XD
For now though, it's time for a moment I've been waiting for for months (not even close to kidding XD): week 3 of Zool. Because boy oh boy do I have a lot to say about that one.
Zool Origin Story
This takes me back 15 years, if you can believe it. I was still young (in number) and a fervent roleplayer. We (=myself and my ex-RP-partner, further referenced as 'we' if need be) had been roleplaying for about a year I think. Came up with more plot-centric ideas, and our major plot involved beings we referred to as 'demons' way back then. It'd started with one (Gyrah, I think her name was), that represented anger or wrath, and along the way we created more. There was no real rhyme or reason to their existence - we basically based ourselves on certain negative emotions and ran with it. My ex-partner one day created a really cool character named Sylnic (the things I remember XD), who was the incarnation of despair... and I don't recall how it all worked into the plot, but somehow, we needed another demon to save the day and it became none other than (you'll have guessed it) Zool.
Now, I've had a thing for death, as an entity, basically since I was a little girl. Here's my inspiration:
I was a really weird kid
The end result had nothing in common with the card save for an aspect of his personality-of-then, and that was a sort of twisted form of chivalry. Because, as things evolved and got away from us, we discovered that he and Sylnic somehow had a bond and god damn was he overly protective of her. As we delved into this bond, we built their relation, and as I learned more about Zool, I understood why it was there - and that's basically because it was, period. There was something exceptionally strong there, so strong in fact that, as things evolved in dark ways and Despair began to give into her own power due to Zool's absolute impossibility to feel certain emotions like love (and my ex-partner's indirect demand he do), it became clear to me Zool wouldn't be able to exist without her. And indeed, when Sylnic died, I lost him. I believe this was the singular moment when we's friendship started to end, at least on my side, because it's not that there was a need for Sylnic to die: my ex-partner was just tired of having her. It upset me a great deal, because Zool is a lot of things to me, and the greatest he has been over the years is a pillar of strength.
Through his arrogance and determination, I started to find these things in me. When I was feeling down, which was often at the time, he made me feel better. He was the character I went to when I needed strength, somehow gaining a sort of 'reality' to me that none of my characters (at the time) had. In a sense he was the purest of them all, because he was the only one who was not influenced at all by our plotting and scheming. He went his own way, decided what was right and wrong, to the point I think he really frustrated my ex-partner << but, what I believe she failed to understand was that Zool had his very own life. He made his own decisions. I just expressed them. All of my characters have kept the majority of the backstories I got for them over 10 years ago... whereas my ex-partner kept changing things, wanting to redo scenes I felt were right, always nitpicking and basically never ever satisfied with what she had, to the point of twisting her own characters (and mine, at times, which was very upsetting as well). Zool never gave in. Even when I lost him, he remained true to himself: unyielding.
When the roleplay basically died due to disinterest by my ex-partner (who'd found herself a new friend and basically threw me away), I made the choice to keep everything we'd built, and I changed things around. I gave everything reason and purpose to exist - and am still in the process of further expanding history. The world has become fully my own, though I still find here and there baseless roleplay elements that I either alter to fit into the world's logic, or remove entirely. When I started writing my stories and evolving the character's backstories, I had to keep a few characters not my own because my characters were attached to them. One was related to Nalyn, the other to Eglen... and, you'll have guessed it: the last one to Zool. I could not have a Zool without a Sylnic. So, with this in mind, I asked my ex-partner at the time if I could use her characters... and what started as a cordial exchange became venom spitting on her part (because of course everything is my fault e.e). That is the day I decided I'd had enough. Honestly, I'd wanted to maintain a friendship (or semblance thereof) with this person because I needed her characters. Yes, not nice on my part, indeed. I did care about ehr, a long time ago, but my friend died and was somehow replaced by a hideous thing. And I decided I did not have, and did not deserve, to be treated this way. I walked away. I had no issue creating a new character in Nalyn's life, nor in Eglen's (though I realize I largely kept the previous character's personality, so I'll be fixing that at a later date... it was after all my first big story, years ago!)... and, as miracles are wont to happen, that is the day Zool yielded. There's no way for me to explain this without sounding crazy, so here goes: that day, he realized the pain this was causing me; he perhaps also realized things would never again be as they'd once been. ... and he allowed me to change his backstory. Nearly everything has changed - including him. Whereas he'd been a straightforward, nearly mindless man with unyielding determination, he gained a semblance of humanity when I created the new character and placed her on his path.
And as she has evolved to become her own character, completely independent of any old backstory, so has Zool evolved. He is still unyielding and absolutely certain that he's right, but now he is a true part of the greater world. He's more than what he once was. And he has way more of a personality as well, which makes me very happy :)
Zool is that one character that is special to me. There are many of my characters I love and enjoy, but he's the one who's had the biggest impact on my life. I used his unyielding nature as a cane in the past, and whenever I feel uneasy now, he's still the one I 'call' to who makes me feel stronger and more certain. So, one could say he's a part of me I simply didn't know was there to begin with. He's the one that makes me think everything will always be okay, because no matter what happens, he always gets up. Always.
And that is 'all' for Zool XD as you can see, there was a lot to say for him. I've seriously been anticipating this post for months XD. Kinda sad it's done, but exhilarated as well because it concludes this year quite well :) (and so fitting I managed to make him theme 13 << XD there are no coincidences). It also feels good to talk about these old sores. All I want to say is: wherever you are ex-partner, as much as I have been upset with you, as much pain as you have caused me, I will always care about the friend you were to me. I know I've caused you a lot of pain as well (*cough*Kassandra*cough*), and will always regret it. I just wish you'd been able to get past your negativity and allow yourself to be happy, and to see me for who I am, and not the person you remember. So, het ga je goed. But I'm closing the book on these old pains so I can move forward.
Go year of transformation 2017 go!
Exceptionally, the final blog will be next Saturday, as it is the 31st. Concluding the year with an unfinished cliffhanger ;) and next year, I'll start something I've never done: the 365-day challenge. Which will be for me to draw something every day. It'll mainly be anatomic studies and whatever I feel like drawing on a day, so expect wips, doodles, etc... but it's what I need in order to improve. It's gonna be hell for me to stick to that schedule, but I want to at least try it XD so we'll see how it goes.
Until next week for the last blog of 2016 ;)
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