Theme 13: Zool - Week 4

And here we are: the last post for 2016. Been sick for the past couple of days, so much so I couldn't do much of anything - and this morning I thought I'd have to cancel tonight's plans because I felt like that much crap. Well, kinda cleared, and though I'm not feeling great, I'm at the least feeling functional. I can type, which says enough XD (seriously, yesterday I couldn't even game - you know you're really sick when you're a gamer who can't game <<).

So, as I still have lots to do, I'll just share what I came here to share XD happy new year y'all, and welcome 2017! Be good @.@

Theme 13: Zool - Week 3

First of all: merry christmas to everyone! Hope it's been a good day ^^ we basically just sat around and chilled after a great evening at the inlaws', with my parents... so, Sunday was Lazeday. I spent 12 hours on FF15 without realizing. Only when I went to save because I was going to bed did I see I'd gone from 48 hours to 60. ... I guess it's a good use of a holiday << XD;

Now, with the end of year fast approaching, I've been debating with myself what I'll be doing on this blog that'd be worthwhile. This year I'd picked characters because I'd wanted to share more about them, but also about what they mean/represent to me. Along the way I worked more on stories, world building, and with the goal in mind to get a story published next year I set forth on an editing quest that is taking me back to the very beginnings of the planet because of course. Seriously, I'm figuring out little details that are important in the long run but have nothing to do with the story being edited, such as where predators come from XD but everything ties together and it's not just a good (dare I say great? <<) story I want to provide, but a breathing world. And it's come to my own attention that there's still a lot for me to determine and understand before I can successfully edit a story... so, here's to many more weeks' work. XD

For now though, it's time for a moment I've been waiting for for months (not even close to kidding XD): week 3 of Zool. Because boy oh boy do I have a lot to say about that one.

Zool Origin Story

This takes me back 15 years, if you can believe it. I was still young (in number) and a fervent roleplayer. We (=myself and my ex-RP-partner, further referenced as 'we' if need be) had been roleplaying for about a year I think. Came up with more plot-centric ideas, and our major plot involved beings we referred to as 'demons' way back then. It'd started with one (Gyrah, I think her name was), that represented anger or wrath, and along the way we created more. There was no real rhyme or reason to their existence - we basically based ourselves on certain negative emotions and ran with it. My ex-partner one day created a really cool character named Sylnic (the things I remember XD), who was the incarnation of despair... and I don't recall how it all worked into the plot, but somehow, we needed another demon to save the day and it became none other than (you'll have guessed it) Zool.

Now, I've had a thing for death, as an entity, basically since I was a little girl. Here's my inspiration:

I was a really weird kid

The end result had nothing in common with the card save for an aspect of his personality-of-then, and that was a sort of twisted form of chivalry. Because, as things evolved and got away from us, we discovered that he and Sylnic somehow had a bond and god damn was he overly protective of her. As we delved into this bond, we built their relation, and as I learned more about Zool, I understood why it was there - and that's basically because it was, period. There was something exceptionally strong there, so strong in fact that, as things evolved in dark ways and Despair began to give into her own power due to Zool's absolute impossibility to feel certain emotions like love (and my ex-partner's indirect demand he do), it became clear to me Zool wouldn't be able to exist without her. And indeed, when Sylnic died, I lost him. I believe this was the singular moment when we's friendship started to end, at least on my side, because it's not that there was a need for Sylnic to die: my ex-partner was just tired of having her. It upset me a great deal, because Zool is a lot of things to me, and the greatest he has been over the years is a pillar of strength.

Through his arrogance and determination, I started to find these things in me. When I was feeling down, which was often at the time, he made me feel better. He was the character I went to when I needed strength, somehow gaining a sort of 'reality' to me that none of my characters (at the time) had. In a sense he was the purest of them all, because he was the only one who was not influenced at all by our plotting and scheming. He went his own way, decided what was right and wrong, to the point I think he really frustrated my ex-partner << but, what I believe she failed to understand was that Zool had his very own life. He made his own decisions. I just expressed them. All of my characters have kept the majority of the backstories I got for them over 10 years ago... whereas my ex-partner kept changing things, wanting to redo scenes I felt were right, always nitpicking and basically never ever satisfied with what she had, to the point of twisting her own characters (and mine, at times, which was very upsetting as well). Zool never gave in. Even when I lost him, he remained true to himself: unyielding.

When the roleplay basically died due to disinterest by my ex-partner (who'd found herself a new friend and basically threw me away), I made the choice to keep everything we'd built, and I changed things around. I gave everything reason and purpose to exist - and am still in the process of further expanding history. The world has become fully my own, though I still find here and there baseless roleplay elements that I either alter to fit into the world's logic, or remove entirely. When I started writing my stories and evolving the character's backstories, I had to keep a few characters not my own because my characters were attached to them. One was related to Nalyn, the other to Eglen... and, you'll have guessed it: the last one to Zool. I could not have a Zool without a Sylnic. So, with this in mind, I asked my ex-partner at the time if I could use her characters... and what started as a cordial exchange became venom spitting on her part (because of course everything is my fault e.e). That is the day I decided I'd had enough. Honestly, I'd wanted to maintain a friendship (or semblance thereof) with this person because I needed her characters. Yes, not nice on my part, indeed. I did care about ehr, a long time ago, but my friend died and was somehow replaced by a hideous thing. And I decided I did not have, and did not deserve, to be treated this way. I walked away. I had no issue creating a new character in Nalyn's life, nor in Eglen's (though I realize I largely kept the previous character's personality, so I'll be fixing that at a later date... it was after all my first big story, years ago!)... and, as miracles are wont to happen, that is the day Zool yielded. There's no way for me to explain this without sounding crazy, so here goes: that day, he realized the pain this was causing me; he perhaps also realized things would never again be as they'd once been. ... and he allowed me to change his backstory. Nearly everything has changed - including him. Whereas he'd been a straightforward, nearly mindless man with unyielding determination, he gained a semblance of humanity when I created the new character and placed her on his path. 

And as she has evolved to become her own character, completely independent of any old backstory, so has Zool evolved. He is still unyielding and absolutely certain that he's right, but now he is a true part of the greater world. He's more than what he once was. And he has way more of a personality as well, which makes me very happy :)

Zool is that one character that is special to me. There are many of my characters I love and enjoy, but he's the one who's had the biggest impact on my life. I used his unyielding nature as a cane in the past, and whenever I feel uneasy now, he's still the one I 'call' to who makes me feel stronger and more certain. So, one could say he's a part of me I simply didn't know was there to begin with. He's the one that makes me think everything will always be okay, because no matter what happens, he always gets up. Always.

And that is 'all' for Zool XD as you can see, there was a lot to say for him. I've seriously been anticipating this post for months XD. Kinda sad it's done, but exhilarated as well because it concludes this year quite well :) (and so fitting I managed to make him theme 13 << XD there are no coincidences). It also feels good to talk about these old sores. All I want to say is: wherever you are ex-partner, as much as I have been upset with you, as much pain as you have caused me, I will always care about the friend you were to me. I know I've caused you a lot of pain as well (*cough*Kassandra*cough*), and will always regret it. I just wish you'd been able to get past your negativity and allow yourself to be happy, and to see me for who I am, and not the person you remember. So, het ga je goed. But I'm closing the book on these old pains so I can move forward.

Go year of transformation 2017 go!

Exceptionally, the final blog will be next Saturday, as it is the 31st. Concluding the year with an unfinished cliffhanger ;) and next year, I'll start something I've never done: the 365-day challenge. Which will be for me to draw something every day. It'll mainly be anatomic studies and whatever I feel like drawing on a day, so expect wips, doodles, etc... but it's what I need in order to improve. It's gonna be hell for me to stick to that schedule, but I want to at least try it XD so we'll see how it goes.

Until next week for the last blog of 2016 ;)

Theme 13: Zool - Week 2

The end of year is in sight. With every passing day, I feel more stressed - not so much because of the family reunions and whatnot (and gods the food and I'm trying to lose weight noooooooo), but because of that ever-growing feeling that I'm making a mistake going for that course. I remain adamant to be a helpful little pinion in this grand machine that is the world; however, I can't deny that all I want to do is sit at this very computer, and write. It's gone beyond hobby and passion: it's basically a career choice. And the only career I will ever be able to fully embrace is this.

But hrghn, financial stability... e.e

Anyway. My own dilemmas aside, I've been thinking about what I'll be doing with this blog come 2017, and the answer is I don't know (surprise surprise << XD). It's been a blast doing this weekly character blogging, and though I still have characters I could write about, I don't want to repeat it. I did enjoy the monthly themes, so I'd like to do something similar... just with unrelated subjects (although, knowing me, characters will pop up anyway << XD). I dunno. Ideas are slowly forming. Guess we'll see where this'll be going :)

And we've come to week 2 of Zool. As per usual, here comes some writing :)

This story needs a crapload of editing, but I share it for two reasons: one, I adore Haneyra's bravado and how she dares talk to him, and two, herein is shown something quite peculiar about Zool, but that makes sense in the much grander scheme of things. Also, bit of a show of power ;) because that is FUN. XD

(also, no, they don't like one another. Long story that still needs to be written. Oh man is that one gonna be tons of fun. :D; )

Theme 13: Zool - Week 1

It's almost the end of the year! Still so much to do! And as the year comes to a close, like every year, I am starting to think about what has passed and what is yet to come. At this point I feel completely torn - torn between the desire for financial stability that will come, for at least a year, by attending the course starting in February, and the absolute need to pursue my true career, writing, despite the financial uncertainty this would bring.

What would life be without compromises though. XD

As this fiery passion burns away my desire to be part of 'normal society' a little more every day, rationale reminds me that now is not the time to throw away what we have at last started to build. Rather, now is the time to build upon it, and find a way to unite the 'socially non-acceptable work' with the pursuit of financial stability. At this point in my literary evolution, I feel I can say at last that I am good at what I do, that I do have things to tell, and that there's no shame in seeking to subsist financially through my craft. After all, I want to offer something worthwhile. The positive comments I've received thus far are an encouragement to keep striving for better. At some point though, I'll have to make a choice, and as I know what that choice will be, it better be viable when the time comes.

I have stated before that I want to give back what I've received. This is true. What this giving back entails, however, becomes clearer every day.

So what does this mean? Well I'll be selling out XD not. Concretely, I'll be doing some huge editing work on several stories, starting with the one I think will be most interesting for readers, and it'll get published online eventually. I have ideas for an app that may or may not be feasible. I want this to be a complete experience, one that keeps getting invested in. After all, this is my life's work :)

2017 will be a hard year where I'll have to juggle opposing needs, all the while paving the road towards the future I have pursued for many years now. It is the year of Death - of transformation; a cold, dreary year to be sure, but one from which will sprout something magnificent, as long as I keep the soil fertile.

And this said, let me introduce the last theme for this year, most appropriate to start the renewing cycle of XIII,

Zool

Myes he still needs some work, but oh well.

Who is Zool?

Ah, the question I hate answering because TMI XD

Well, to put it simply: Zool is the incarnation of Death. Nothing more, nothing less. He is the absolute end at the road, the one who sends the dead on their final journey. He is a fair and impartial judge, and takes no side except for his own - because Death knows everything, and Death is never wrong.

Yet Death is not without flaws. As a sentient being, Zool is one to make decisions for himself, to decide on the right course of action. Because of his implacable determination, Zool is seen by some as an arrogant bastard, sometimes even as a fool (for only fools never change their mind). Yet Zool always goes his own way, no matter the cost, as he not only believes but knows he is always right - even when he isn't.

This stubbornness will come at costs too high to pay, even for him.

Zool and the Novel

Oh, the things I have planned for his grand entrance X3 because yes, he will be in it. He has to be (and not only because I love him to itty bitty bits (and he hates me oh so much << XD)). Zool is a pivotal element in the story, one I need to conclude what will be a dire situation. Beyond his appearance in the story proper though, Zool is a pivotal element in the world itself - because of his status, and because of his personality... and even because of the few people he's acquainted with.

In this world, even Death is capable of changing. Granted, he does so in minor ways (in his perspective, he doesn't change at all, ever), but they are notable enough to change the greater master plan that is life itself.

There are many forces at play here, all of which vying for existence. Centuries of struggles, of evolution, of construction, all to come to a halt once the house of cards loses its foundations. Life is a question mark that leaves all of its answers open. Whether he will be an answer still remains to be seen. What is known, however, is that there is no life without death, nor death without life.

Hopefully this was cryptic enough for you ;)

Today I feel that special kind of numb you feel when life decides to be a special kind of rollercoaster in not even a week's time. I feel stuck in place. I need to talk. I just have to wait until the half I need to talk to comes home, which means several hours left of numb stagnation.
And yup, that's why I'm here << I'd rather get it out and get creating (so expect this post to disappear once its purpose obsolete).

Monday was a good day. Went to the next town, got things in order to start the course - for which I am excited again, especially after talking to an old lady at the bank XD I just randomly started the conversation myself. It felt good. And she was very nice.

Then we had Tuesday. Tuesday was the breaking point. Don't want to get into details, so let's just say my other half made a mistake he'd made the week before, after promising not to do it again. You'll seldom see me upset - but I'm the sort to be then short and cutting and keep to my own corner. The mistake in itself isn't the issue: it's the breach of trust this has induced. Needless to say Tuesday was a terrible day. I'm still a bit angry today, but mostly because of Wednesday.

I'd wanted to talk about it on Wednesday, but then it didn't happen. Oh well, there's today (and today it does have to happen because it's the source of the numb). But Wednesday, ah Wednesday, it was a different kind of upset, at a different person. The frustrated sort of upset when someone projects their fears and uncertainties onto you and don't accept your truth as reality.
And being told by said person they won't be coming for New Year's because they made other plans, with the excuse that nothing had been official yet - even though they'd proposed themselves, maybe a month prior, to do the same thing as last year. I don't mind sudden changes of plans for good reasons (because life); I do mind half-assed excuses when I know the change is not one you want, but one you think you have to make. I'd seriously considered hanging up yesterday, as this occurred through phone. At some point, I got angry (and thus audibly short, but I kept being nice).
The absolute worst part of the conversation was the moment when I realized these people I care about, who are a year older than me, are basically dead.

And that leads to the feeling that has been the issue for me this week (the upside of being a writer and thus deep into psychology is that, eventually, you get to apply all you learn to yourself): I feel alone. I feel the kind of alone that you feel when you realize, hingsight aiding, how much you have evolved over the years, but also how adamant you are to keep evolving and learning... and seeing people around you not do the same. It hit me with other half's mistake, but really beat me up yesterday on the phone when I felt the psychic death dripping from every word and protective laugh of the person on the other end. I don't want to advance alone. Not that I can't do it - rather, what I want is to lead people along onto this path.

When you care about people, you want the best for them. I don't claim to know what is best for another, though. However, I'm not one to ignore intuition (and coincidences), either. One half I can help (if he opens up to being the best him I know he can be, because oh so much untapped potential); but I can't help the dead. It's a horrible thing to think and to say. Frankly, I want to cancel tonight's plans with them. I don't feel in a position where I can deal with this feeling. I still feel numb, as though I can't decide which way I'm supposed to go. Part of me wants to cry it out. The strong(?) part of me just wants to seethe. And the whole of me is thinking: what now.

Chances are, in a few days, I'll reflect on this and realize it's been a positive breaking point. Once you decide to live your life the best you can and seize every opportunity to improve it, even the bad stuff doesn't seem so bad - because you look through it all, at the core of the problems, and seek a way to learn from it and make good changes. It's become a way of life (I don't dare say second nature, even though it really feels like it). I just... wish I knew, right now, which way to go. I need to talk. That's really the main thing right now. I need things sorted.

Gods it's gonna be a long day @.@

Theme 12: Kassandra - Week 4

So today I'm not so much upset anymore as I am feeling depressed. At least I'm functional, and able to bring you the post (which, yes, was supposed to be on Monday - RL came first).

Last week of Kassandra, and today I bring you a little scene that had huge repercussions in the long run. Also, Rated R for graphic violence and loud cursing.

You have been warned.