Heavy week

I feel like I've tossed the proverbial plates against the walls and now I'm picking up the pieces, trying to determine what can be glued back together.

Just read an article that infuriates me regarding my government to the point I posted about it on Facebook (which I barely do as is, and never ever about matters like these). These feelings make me see just how fed up I am with a lot of things: my outside job (I'm heading for a burnout), my inside job (lack of motivation/support), the future in this country (don't get me started), the past and present within my family (been there, talked about that, moving on). Everything has in common a lack of future, of hope, of reasons to keep struggling through life because why bother? Why am I here? Why has my life been as it is? Why can't I change it? And when I try and change things, why is it in a destructive manner? Is this a cycle? Where am I heading with this?

One thing that's throwing me off, I think, is that feeling that someone's going to die next year. Someone I know and who's fairly close to me. It could potentially mean a miscarriage, which would really suck to go through again, but it's making me think about a lot of things. Analyzing my life, my path, the successes and the fails, how I got here, why, what it all means. Because it all means something. I'm not here by accident. It's why I've been trying to focus more on my talents than my shortcomings. I saw a potentially interesting job in the newspaper, and am going to apply for it (administrative job at the local fire department). I can but try. Right now, I don't know where I'm going. I'd rather stay at home for a while and get my mind sorted out, but I can't have everything I want. What I need, though, is to get out of the hopelessness, because hopelessness passes - everything passes. I have to believe there are still good things to come, for I refuse to believe I'm here to suffer selfishly. I'm not. I'm not here to shine bright, either. But I'm here to make a difference, and that's what the plate-tossing is all about. Creation comes from destruction. Heck, I finished my little story (bit over four pages), edited it already to a satisfactory level (I just can't get myself to read the sex scene over... I'm like, flushing like an innocent schoolgirl, I feel so damn stupid XD; ), sketched a pic I'll want to finish (will see about picking it up when it's time for Dr. Phil), and I've wanted to print out inspirational pics (but alas, printer no want). They say you have to reach rock bottom before you can make any changes, and I think I'm basically there. The question then is: where do I want to go? What do I want to do? Who am I? Why do I live?

I live to write. I live to create. I'm going to be starting a new chapter in life. I want to be proud of my accomplishments to come, and those already achieved. This comes with an ego I'm no longer willing to suppress. Except right now, because shut up, don't get carried away now XD but yeah. I'm embracing the fact I like to help people, and that being appreciated for it motivates me to keep going with my own endeavours. I'm also embracing the fact I get chronically depressed and that it's nothing to write home about: it's just a part of who I am, nothing more.

And, I'm embracing my personal career as a writer. I changed my artist tag on Deviantart from 'literature hobbyist' to just 'literature'. I'm not a hobbyist anymore. This has become a real career choice, even though I know I'll have to have an outside career as well. I've tried previously to get out of the retail business, and our financial situation prevented that. Now, I'm going to get this opportunity again. I've grown yet further as a person. I have a much clearer view of my strong points and weaknesses. To succeed, I have to be passionnate about everything I do - and this means I need to surround myself with people who are passionnate about their own lives and endeavours. I can't afford less, not considering my own weakness towards feeling depressed. I have to give myself credit for taking myself seriously. For wanting to be someone better. To defeat my greatest flaw: fear of vulnerability. To do so, I have to trust the people I allow close to me to not try and wound/control me, even be it unintentional. At the heart, I'm a little wounded ball of fluff with a heart of fire that has claws and will gouge out your eyes. << XD

ONWARDS TO ART!