Recently, a close friend of mine posted an article that referenced Chester Bennington's suicide with a photo that has since been removed, for the article originally referenced Robin Williams' suicide in 2014. The title read, 'There's nothing selfish about suicide'.
I disagreed with the title alone.
I have written about suicide before, and will again emphasize the most important point - that which I think everyone ought to realize before stating an opinion on suicide and people suffering from suicidal thoughts.
Someone suicidal does not want to die; they simply want their suffering to end.
In that respect, suicide is as self-centered an act as it is for a struggling person to crave for betterment in their life. Even I, who enjoy helping others, do so because it makes me happy. It is an acquired habit; I do enjoy seeing people feel better about themselves, or improve their lives and/or skills. And I won't deny that receiving gratitude in return is in part what drives me to keep helping others.
I don't think there is anything wrong with this kind of selfishness. Just as I think there is nothing wrong with the selfish desire to want to die. What I do think is wrong, however, is to not call a spade a spade.
As I read the article and the writer's reasons for not calling suicide selfish, I ran into a paragraph that, indirectly, defined suicide and depression as a most self-centered way of being.
"Suicide is a decision made out of desperation, hopelessness, isolation and loneliness. The black hole that is clinical depression is all-consuming. Feeling like a burden to loved ones, feeling like there is no way out, feeling trapped and feeling isolated are all common among people who suffer from depression."
Your own desperation; your own hopelessness; isolation and loneliness are definitions themselves of self-centeredness. Depression is indeed a black hole, one where you stand all alone, even be you surrounded by friends and family. You don't want these people to step into that hole and be sucked in; but you also don't want to stay stuck in this hole. Eventually, the peace of death seems like the only true way out, because trying anything else is simply too hard.
"People who say that suicide is selfish always reference the survivors. It’s selfish to leave children, spouses and other family members behind, so they say. They’re not thinking about the survivors, or so they would have us believe. What they don’t know is that those very loved ones are the reason many people hang on for just one more day. They do think about the survivors, probably up until the very last moment in many cases. But the soul-crushing depression that envelops them leaves them feeling like there is no alternative. Like the only way to get out is to opt out. And that is a devastating thought to endure."
How is it not selfish to leave people behind so that you may feel better through death? The cost of your freedom is life-long grief for those who stay; it is something to be aware of, to face head-on, and with some luck it will also be the thought that keeps you alive for so long that, one day, you find yourself with a life so beautiful you may just regret ever thinking of dying. 'What they don’t know is that those very loved ones are the reason many people hang on for just one more day' - even though I understand that, sometimes, this isn't enough. And I believe (perceived) judgment is what sometimes pushes people over the edge.
"Until you’ve stared down that level of depression, until you’ve lost your soul to a sea of emptiness and darkness... you don’t get to make those judgments. You might not understand it, and you are certainly entitled to your own feelings, but making those judgments and spreading that kind of negativity won’t help the next person. In fact, it will only hurt others."
And so is another 'entitled' (I don't like this word) to judge those who judge, all the while making an excellent statement: 'spreading that kind of negativity won’t help the next person'.
Whether suicide is defined or not as selfish is, ultimately, irrelevant. Because wanting to live is just as selfish. In depression you are but a husk, a lifeless vessel that others must drag along. It is just as selfish to indirectly force others to guide you, as it is to force grief upon the rest of their lives. Your death might even cause someone else's; can you face this potential guilt? Can you accept to find peace while causing chaos all around you?
If death is no option and life seems impossible, what is there to do?
But then, why is death your option, and why does life seem impossible?
I do strongly believe that calling suicide 'selfish' is completely counter-productive, and ignorant of the guilt a depressed person already lives with. I call it self-centered not out of judgment, but from looking at the emotional facts of depression: you indeed feel all alone; you indeed feel like your pain will never end; you indeed feel like no one understands you. Beneath the hollow suffering are other reasons, which have led to the darkness; for me, hollow suffering turned gradually to hateful anger, as my depression was caused by heavy bullying. I did become sort of a bully at some point, until friends called me out on my behaviour. Even this rage was selfish - it was my way of venting my pain, and paving the way to reconstruction.
Nowadays the understanding of suffering is what makes me write. And the base for all of my stories and characters. I can never forget what life was like at my lowest, as though 20 years ago was but yesterday. But I have made my darkness my friend and ally.
And it is because I strongly believe that a person must be able to face the darkest part of themselves in order to truly live that I state my opinion on these matters. I don't speak out of ignorance, but life experience. And I am aware that my own life experience will not be someone else's. One person may relate to my words, just as another will believe that I have no idea what I'm talking about and can't possibly understand how they're feeling.
That would be true. Every person has a unique life experience, a unique vision of the world. That's why it's so important to choose life over death.
If you're not here to tell your story, who will? Even if you believe you have no story to tell.
I didn't have any to tell 20 years ago, either.
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