When I was younger and an internet n00b (so right around the year 2000), I met a friend who'd evolve to become my best friend ever... at least until about 2005 I think, when the friendship started going down the hill. These are things that happen. I'm not gonna get into all that again because, frankly, I no longer feel the need to. I've talked about it plenty.
One aspect I never talked about, however, is how much my jealousy of her artistic abilities got in the way of my feelings of friendship. ... Man was I jealous. The 'why are you so good and I'm nooooooot X(' kind of jealousy. Sure, I'm joking about it now, but at the time jealousy, of all kinds, was a really big burden on my shoulders.
Now and again I still get those pangs, but now I have the maturity to tell myself: well, you're not as good as others because you simply don't practice as much as others, but keep in mind you do a lot of writing practice, and look at where you've gotten with that.
This maturity also allows me to find Inspiration in others' progress rather than Jealousy. And it's by making an awesome French friend on DA that I've not only been thinking a lot about this time of my life, but been able to deal with a few latent heartaches I'd never thought I still had.
One heartache is Emptiness. This emptiness appeared after that previously mentioned friendship died. There are many reasons for it, but the main one was that, in a way, she was my whole world, as our RPG was my whole world; when the friendship (started to) end(ed), it felt like the whole world was literally falling apart around me. I'd been so hooked on her, on her art, on the complicity we had, that I couldn't stand the feeling of losing all that. Hence the Jealousy, because I was dropped for a 'newer model' (or so it felt: I had outlived my use, and it was time for her to leech someone else's life).
The other heartache, as mentioned, is Complicity. If you've had someone - a parent, a sibling, a friend - with whom you got so well along that it felt like you could share the entire world with them, then you can certainly imagine what it'd feel like to lose this. Like Emtpiness.
Well, I didn't realize how much I had missed Complicity until I found it again, quite unexpectedly. One thing led to the other and before I knew it, I was having these long, deep in-comment conversations on DA with a fellow ProjectComment admin. Both of us flawed individuals, in our own ways, yet somehow these flaws brought us real close together. So much so that I've pretty much been able to shake my 'chatting is a waste of time' attitude that I'd gotten over the years because chronophobic. And, maybe because I wasn't used to chatting anymore. Or getting along so well with people (because, in the meantime, I chat with a few people << holy crap).
Every person in your life brings you something different. Some say your partner should be your best friend as well, the person you share everything with... but, I think, that's completely ignoring the fact that every person's nature is different. Bf's not much into art, just like I'm not much into computer tech; I have art-friends, and he has IT-colleagues. We do talk computer software (cuz I do know some stuff, occasionally make a booboo... <<), and he reads my writings.
When it comes to talking art, politics and psychology though, I turn to Tuntalm.
(and, no, I don't usually single people out, but I thought I'd make an exception this time because check out her gallery while you're at it <<)
Galactic Phoenix FTW.
The Complicity that appeared between us is, in my eyes, something truly fantastic (hell, I'm writing about it, so you know that's true <<). Two asocials getting along << XD but, yeah. It's made me think a lot about the past, about who I was, and who I am now - seeing, feeling, experiencing the difference within, the way I view the present and, also, how I handle similarities of situation.
Where, at one time, I would've pined away in negativity for not being able to be as good, now I find joy in the success of another, and in being a part of their lives. I find Inspiration in their evolution, rather than waste away in useless Jealousy.
My, how much a person can change over the years while still remaining the same.
I still have my issues with bouts of blues, with feeling mediocre, inadequate, you name it... There are still plenty of days where I feel like giving up on everything because it's just too hard. But dammit, I also remind myself of the journey, of the deserts traversed, the hurdles surpassed... Everything leads to this point in time, when I can look back at certain moments in my life and simply feel like, well, that too has passed, and we're better for it.
So this is a heartfelt thank you to Tuntalm for being my friend. And, at the same time, a heartfelt thank you to everyone who I call friend, who stands by me, talks to me, supports me in my endeavours both present and future, and those who have stood by me in the past. A thank you to family, who support me still, even though it's certainly not been an easy ride.
You know, Gratitude is one of those feelings I've also had to learn to cope with. I used to resent having to be grateful to anyone... But then, I was so broken and Jealous that it felt like Gratitude towards anyone would leave me so vulnerable that I'd explode or something. I'm so grateful that changed.
Gods. Life is so interesting. *.*
Big Evolution so good described !
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