Friendship and gratitude

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Yesterday, I had a bit of a mood dip. It's nothing out of the ordinary for me; heck, I can pinpoint where it came from, what it relates to, and I always know it'll be temporary.

Especially when having friends I can rely on.

Yesterday I wrote a Deviantart journal that, I realize today, actually sounds worse than things really were. Maybe people read more into 'not seeing the point of life' than what I actually mean. Although, meaning works on different layers. But, let's not get into this right now, as it isn't the reason I'm writing this post.

Well, aren't we all. Though, in my case, it's more that I am (was?) desperate for acceptance. And when I read this comment this morning, I realized: I really do have more people cheering me on than I perceive. It's something I've still quite to adapt to, and that I'm not sure I really get. 

But man oh man do I appreciate every single person who believes in me, and even just takes the time to check out who I am/what I do. As I once posted on my Facebook,

As an only child with only two parents and a godfather I've seen now and again, friends were always something important to me. In a day and age without mobile phones and devices or even internet, the only friends you had were those you made outside. And school didn't exactly deliver in that respect. In fact, after school just followed years of social phobia - but also the advent of internet, haven for the introvert.

Since then, friends have come and gone. Each has had its importance, in their own way. A family away from family. A way to discover the world, people, and just grow up. In time, social phobia made way for a desire to be helpful to others, just as others had helped me forward. This is likely the main reason I don't like to call on friends for help: I figure I'm supposed to be the one who helps. Otherwise, I feel like I'm letting them down.

But, even rocks need a break from the waves, or they erode.

So, today, I want to give tribute to some people.

• My parents. I guess it's a given, but fact is I haven't been the most ideal daughter in the world. I mean, what with bullying and a depression and a late professional start and living almost 24/7 on the family computer for years and gods so much more XD and now making the choice to try and live my literary dream. And I can always count on their support.
  
  
• Cindy. BFF I met at school, basically the only friend I had for many years (yes, I was a sad kid. XD). I'll likely always regret leaving her to the side of my life for a long period of time after school, even though rationally I know I needed the space. We lost each other at some point (entirely my fault), and found each other again after many years, by chance. I don't know whether part of her still fears that, one day, I'll repeat the past and push her aside. Couldn't blame her. But, all I want is to finally see her happy after decades of RL struggles.
  
  
• Sarah. Though we're no longer friends and will never be so again, it'd be wrong of me not to mention her. After all, for years she was basically a 'BFF', a kid 6 years younger than I with quite the mature speech. We were both broken, misunderstood individuals. She's the one I started the chat-roleplay with, which lasted for years, and is the base for Tales from Aeyuu. There'd be a lot to say, and I have done so before, to the point I now only want to remember the good. After all, I'd not be me had I never met her. My one regret is taking out my suffering on her characters way back when, as it was the only venting place I had. Always will wonder whether that ever played a part in her hating me, but I'll never know, and it no longer matters. Live, learn, move on.
  
  
• Derek. What started as a friendship became a long-distance relationship that lasted for years. Then, things went sour (largely on my part), and I lived a long year filled with hatred and self-destruction that ended once I met current bf. I still do remember our messages, the moments of wondering whether he was really flirting with me since he was several years older, and this eventually becoming clear one day. I have kept all the photos and memories (thankfully!), and look back on this period of my life as certainly one of the most liberating. I really, really can't begin to explain what it did to me to be loved by someone. To be made to feel like I had actual worth. I daresay this is the single relation that truly helped me break out of my social phobia, as it was for him that I found the motivation to look for work after years of being unable to (= needed money to go to the US!). We still soemtimes talk about this, my parents and I, about how crazy it was for a girl to fly across the world, alone, to meet a guy from the internet. I have no regrets in that respect. I mean, I got to go to Hooters! (yes, this is what I remember. << XD). I do have a few other regrets, namely on the manner of how things ended (though we became friends again, but it'll neevr be what it once was). But, I prefer to remember the good.
  
  
• Tuntalm. I feel like I'm making a huge leap in time here, but ah well. Brain logic. Tuntalm is a girl I met through ProjectComment, where we were (and are) both active as admins. I don't quite remember how we hit it off; I just remember very long threads of comments/replies, even longer message exchanges, and little by little building up a friendship I can but define as extraordinary for the simple reason that, aside from us getting amazingly well along, she has brought something back in my life that I'd never known I was missing so hard (talked about in this post). You know the saying, life has a way to...? Well, whether you believe it or not, life does. And it's been my privilege watching her blossom and come into her own. We seem to drive each other forward in our own ways, she being the lovably pushy girl that she is, I being the calm introspective force. We get along awesome ;) and she's one of two people I turn to almost naturally when feeling down.
  
• Peter. Another artist I met through ProjectComment, who is people two of two. As with Tuntalm, I can't quite remember how we started getting along. It likely started with critiques, and I recall that talking about his world also played a part. And now, we're at the point of sharing cat memes (which is indeed very important << XD). Peter is a guy I feel I can trust blindly, and someone whom I believe has alot more potential than he may believe. I remember when I was just like him. And I can but look forward to the day he'll realize: you know, I do have potential, let's take on THE WORLD. Chatting with him just makes me feel good. And I imagine the feeling's mutual. XD
  
• Lishao. Lishao's the kind of person who's so weird you start wondering if the weird is truly weird or just some well-orchestrated insane form of normality. Whatever the case: he's awesome. We have depe conversations, silly conversations, his brain works in what seem random patterns I do believe are not random at all << and, basically, I never quite know what to expect. Which I find, to steal his favourite word, fascinating. A supportive guy who often makes me laugh, whom I feel I can trust with many things. People with whom you can talk about anything and everything are rare indeed, and he adds to that a keen analytical sense that always makes me wonder about his deeper reasonings.
  
• Paul. I have known Paul for so long I only remember us meeting, if I recall right, through Livejournal. Like me, Paul is a writer who seeks recognition for his work. He's a force to be reckoned with! Entrepreneur, artist, writer, Paul seems to be able to do everything he puts his mind to, which I find fantastic. He is a man of his word, someone to be fully trusted, and I'm proud to call him my friend. I can only wish for his book to be a great success! Whatever comes, his determination to be all that he can be is definitely an inspiration to me.
  
• Dailydragonlair. I do feel shameful I don't even know whether to call them he or she, but I intend to rectify that at some point. Dailydragonlair has been a greats upporter of my works, someone kind and positive who has done nothing other than boost my morale, remind me I'll get where I want to be, even featured me and my works and dear gods so much positive influence I couldn't not mention them. And I feel like I'm nowhere doing enough in return. So, this isn't much, but I wanted their positive influence acknowledged.
  
• Ancelin. Though we don't talk that often, Ancelin is someone I really adore. I have watched her grow so much over the years, and every time I am amazed at her strength of character and resilience - traits she may not quite realize she has. She's someone I trust, whose life I follow, and who I try and give love and support to whenever she needs it. We have a lot of things in common. And, hasard du calendrier, she's always the first one to ask me whether I'm okay when she hears about a terrorist attack in my country.
  
• Online people I don't remember yet by name. Which doesn't mean they haven't been a positive, even necesary influence, but just that I don't know them well enough (yet?). Be certain that if I thank you for your words, I really do mean it; all these encouraging words are the stars of a beautiful nightsky.
  
• Katharina and Jan. Jan being the person I met first (through Cindy, two decades ago), and when he met Katharina I naturally met her as well. Jan has always been an outspoken, 100% and more trustworthy guy. Though Katharina was a quiet and reserved person at first, I have watched her blossom over the years, following her dreams, and I can but say she's an inspiration and someone I find a lot of common grounds with when it comes to life views and philosophy. Truly a great individual with a magnificent heart, to whom I can wish but the very best (and to Jan too of course ;). She, like Peter, went the extra mile and subscribed to my Patreon. I can still not thank them enoguh for this support. <3

And last but not least,

• Stef. I don't even know where to begin. Since meeting each other 7 years ago, life has been pretty much a rollercoaster in many ways. Even now, as I struggle to bring some financial stability to the household, Stef is (almost ;)) nothing but supportive. He, like myself, fully beleives I'll succeed, and realizes it's gonna take time and likely some other tricks we haven't thought of yet. And just, trying to go forward. When I get discouraged he'll be the first one to rekindle my fire and remind me not to worry too much about anything beyond what I'm doing.
  
  It wasn't too long ago that I was the one supporting him through my previous job while he followed his course. Sure, it wasn't easy (I also hated my job, much as I loved my colleagues), but in the end he got himself an awesome job at a great company. The roles got inversed, and I can but (try and) believe I'll get my time to shine as well. No matter what happens: we have each other. And that's ultimately what matters the most.
  
  We met at the right time. And are the perfect match.
  
  That is all. Or I'm gonna get all mushy. XD

Thus concluding this post 'hors-série'. Gonna keep wondering if I forgot someone, but then just let yourself be known <<

Thank you to everyone for being a part of my life.