Theme 08: Erjin - Week 3

So many things thought, so little able to say.

I've been suffering from "de-synchronization' lately; what this means is that I don't feel in sync with myself, and that I feel as though I react in 'wrong' ways (like being overly talkative, not thinking my words through as much,...) because of it. It may seem like a silly problem from a distance, but what it does is affect every part of my life and make me be someone else than me. As such, everything I enjoy (especially writing) has been a struggle I'm barely willing to undertake... Even needed a prolonged break from ProjectComment because I was losing my grip on things. I think a blend of current world/national events and a multitude of projects has made my inner circuits fry. So, I just try and keep going forward and listen way more to my wants than what I know I need, since they seem to balance themselves out anyway (as in, I can have a hunkering for a really good burger, but at the same time I'm eating less and feeling disgusted by fries). I can never explain why I'm the way I am... so I won't try to. Just go with the flow and, more importantly, trust this is but a faze (because that's exactly what I know it is). Usually, feeling like crap means there's some evolution afoot.

And we're on Week 3 (noooooooooooo), which means actual thought has to go into the post (aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh). Which sucks for me right now XD (eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee) but... well, let's try and make this worthwhile anyway.

Erjin's Origin Story

Thing is, I already mentioned in Week 1's entry how and why Erjin came to be. There isn't really much more to say about her origin story, since that's basically it XD

However, I can say more about her secondary origin story; as in, why did I keep this blog-centric character and how did she evolve into an actual character whose existence has many ramifications relating to other characters and the story itself.

How it all started I no longer remember, but what it started with is a blog entry:

Day xx,

I do not know where to begin.

I have been unable to think for the past weeks. Were it not for everyone's support, even Lomalia's, I... I cannot say. I've cried many times in Janty's arms, who has been as kind to me as ever. They have all given me some time away, and I have stayed home since... since then.

I... witnessed a murder. The culprit bit a Honorary's neck to shreds. I was there when it happened. The man monster swiftly passed through the crowd, and came before me on all fours, gaping at me with blood clotting his face. I thought he was going to attack me. I thought... I, I thought I was going to die. The monster screeched at me and that is when the Honorary managed to subdue him by impaling him with a couple of lances. Harmed, but not killed, and later taken away to be imprisoned, questioned and... executed ? I try not to think of his sentence. I... am thankful to still be alive, and surrounded by friendly faces. This is the first evening I am capable of being alone. And picking up a quill. I have been trying to remove the image from my mind, the sound of his voice and the madness in his eyes by trying and establish the monster's race. With no books at my disposal, I have to rely solely on my memory, which appears to be dreadful at this time. I... can't stop thinking about the blood and the screams and those eyes, those bloodshot eyes, telling me I was going to be next. And then I fainted after he'd been taken away, to awake in my own bed, a hand held carefully by Janty. And I... I'm not going to sleep. I can't. His screech still echoes in my ears and I can't block out the sound and the horror and________________

This scene occurs before the writing in Week 2. It is what set a series of writings in motion, and that insidiously transformed Erjin from a blog-centric book rat, to a character who is part of the world at large. It will also explain part of Erjin's questions to a certain someone in Week 4's entry (just one more week to wait ;) ). But, this was a turning point in Erjin's evolution, and what made her a true character rather than just a narrative voice. Her secondary origin story, if you will :)

Before then I had been building her personality here and there, having decided she was a clumsy girl with a physical handicap (because I have too few of those), Elven, wearing glasses, sporting a pigtail (because I have no one who wears their hair like that XD), with freckles... you know, basic stuff. Only the handicap is special, as is the way it has been partially 'fixed' (dying to know what it is yet? XD), and this handicap gave me a rough idea of her backstory (which I'm honestly still working on). Figured she's smart and pretty good at finding logical connections between facts, and like many high IQ people: she's hopelessly impractical, bordering on appearing stupid (not to forget being clumsy and having burned irreplaceable books before). One may wonder why she hasn't been fired yet, and the main reason is: she unwittingly has friends in high places. This friend knows Erjin's mind is a useful one, and in the dark times ahead people like her will be necessary... 

But that is a story for another time. I leave you with another old blog entry, that might sound familiar if you've read Week 2's writing. This came before the writing itself, and with a few more entries after this one until I stopped the blog entirely, it set the stage for 5 writings that would make me determine enough about Malmern and some of its people to know it had to have a big part in TAoS. It all led to many discoveries and character building, as well as recently realizing there's a large-scale excavation going on to Malmern's west, deep in the H'Jen Desert...

There is no normalcy

The screams have all but faded away. I dream again of book-filled towers and flying pages eating one another. I have been told this manner of recurring dream is quite normal for young librarians, that it will disappear in time. These dreams are a welcome distraction, however. Sometimes, the Varyi's eyes still peer at me out of dark corners. I have been told that the Varyi has been executed. I should feel relieved. I suppose that, one day, I will.

I researched this race extensively for weeks. Certain authors depict the Varyi as ancient creatures descended from the Blood God Batetsu, of whom I've never heard; others believe the Varyi originate from the Malmernian area, and were created through experimentation by Lord Varyi, hence their name; yet others believe the Varyi are beings cursed by magic or ancient artefacts. And yet more believe they are but another race among many. My greatest breakthrough came a few nights ago, as I returned home quite late... and a little tipsy, to tell the truth. Oliver, the Honorary who saved my life, had stopped by the Library to invite me for a drink. I was stupefied. It goes without saying I am not used to the whole dating process. I was flattered and, to be entirely honest, I wondered whether a drink might actually relieve some of the stress I was still experiencing from the Varyi attack. We went to the Two Horns, a reputable establishment used to serving the Honorary. Our evening started out quite pleasantly, as we got to know each other... but it became eventually clear, despite the buzz in my head, that Oliver was here solely to drink the memories away. I suppose he had asked me to join him only to clear his own conscience. When I asked him to walk me home, he broke down in tears and screams answered by a couple of Honorary who'd been watching him since we'd entered the tavern. They proposed to take me home, but Oliver saw it as his duty to do so himself. I suppose I believed he could protect me as he already had, or that no one would dare attack a Honorary again.

We were ambushed as we rounded a corner. At first I thought the ugly bald human intended to rob us. Oliver called him Kal; Kal complained to Oliver that the Varyi had been executed, whereas Oliver complained they should have done a better job of keeping the Varyi captive. As the conversation escalated in hushed tones and I began to sober up, I comprehended the situation at hand. And I wondered in a heartbeat: had Oliver harmed the Varyi to protect me, or to protect himself from eventual suspicion ? The Varyi had been defending itself. Perhaps it never had the intention to harm anyone, let alone kill another person. This Kal, however, had every intention to, and mentionned to Oliver that I knew too much. Before I realized the predicament I was in, Kal was upon me. Rot and liquor filled my nose as his one hand gripped my neck. I couldn't scream, and Oliver's strength paled in comparison to Kal's.

In all honesty... part of me wanted to die, that evening. Irrationally, I blamed myself for the Varyi's execution. Perhaps it was a just return for my dark wishes regarding the Tellians. Perhaps I hated life too much, and I had been heard. My thoughts were quite jumbled that night, and I wondered whether I might finally meet my parents after I died. Then Kal's grip loosened and I fell to the floor. I gripped the cobblestones when I realized I still lived. A shrill, drawn-out hiss came from beside me: a man, half the size of this Kal, who tossed him aside as though he were but a weightless ragdoll. The man shrieked like a beast enraged and I realized immediately that this man was a Varyi. Everything went black. I only remember dreaming of feathered Varyi with sharp elongated teeth, hugging one another.

When I came to, I was home. The Varyi, who had remained by my side all night long, introduced himself as... ...