Thing is, I didn't have so good a day today. Don't get me wrong: I had a good day having parents and parents-in-law at home to celebrate mother's day. But, I've been depressed all day. Truly depressed, not just blue. At some point, I just wanted to go in a corner and cry and be left the hell alone. I think mother's day got to me today. Because, heck, I'm not one yet, and it seems even less likely, with each passing month, that I ever will be. Added on top of workstress (and hormones starting to kick in e.e), I just want not to exist for a while. Probably why I'm not updating my work calendar, or any calendar for that matter: at this moment, and for the foreseeable future, I don't want to exist. Not to understand I want to die or anything silly like that - no, I just want to be forgotten for a while, left to my own devices, and allowed some ties-less, wings-spreading time on my own. I'm losing sight of me; I can't find me while others are looking for her as well. She's only going to come out if I'm the only one looking for/after her. It's a really strange feeling. A crazy-sounding feeling I expect << especially if I mention it feels like having a crying teen within yourself that's slamming doors shut and screaming at people to get/keep out XD
Uh, yeah. Don't mind me/us. It'll pass. Likely as soon as I get to quit my job, which is still several months away. Sigh.
Well. Let's not dwell on that for now. How about some writing? Yes, some super-duper awesome writing << and as we are on Kristofa's second week, I'll share a chapter of his life ^^
And I chose a sweet moment between estranged friends that gives a glimpse into Kristofa's mind, and heart. Enjoy :)
The
nights which Kristofa spent at Niskania's side were usually far more soothing
than the nights of solitude. When he was away chasing women, she missed him.
Missed his company, missed his warmth, but always remembered that to be a
fullblood child is akin to perpetual
suffering.
After their
reconciliation, Niskania had promised Kristofa to try and turn her thoughts
around. This had proved far more difficult than hoped. The nightmares still
assaulted her nightly, still ran through her mind like red rivers along bone
and decay.
One
night, as a particularly violent dream startled her awake, she happened to
catch the fleeting rustle of vines. She rose and walked to the central room,
and was surprised to see Kristofa appear through the haze of her lethargy.
"Ah,
you're awake!" he exclaimed, "Excellent! Come with me, I have to show
you something!"
"Now
?" she retorted, repressing a yawn, "you know I need to sleep…"
"I
know," he grinned, "but now is when you can see them. Come on, I'll
carry you, but you have to come."
Still
half-slumbering, Niskania retorted with a glare – and gasped as Kristofa literally
swept her off her feet carried her out of the house. She demanded several times
that he put her down, and he only complied when he eventually, someplace in the
Ghostlight Forest, ran out of breath. Even then he grabbed her hand and guided
her further away from the village.
Niskania
started to panic. She trusted Kristofa, even more since she'd accepted the
difficult fact that he'd never meant to hurt her when bringing women home; but she
feared the outside world so profoundly that she never set foot outside the
protective circle of the Aberviohn. This forest was dark and lightless and
uninviting. Several times she stumbled, and Kristofa always caught her. He knew
the path towards the town of Farren
After a
long walk they reached the forest's edge. Faint light poured in through the
numerous trees and illuminated their path; and Kristofa forked away from it.
"No
Humans for you tonight," he said when she inquired, "I was thinking
of something much more enjoyable."
"Kris…?"
"I
already said you can do better than me," he grinned, her tone having
spoken volumes, "you really need to get over me, Nissa. Na, you'll understand when you see
them."
They
emerged at a distance from the town of Farren
"Look
up," he said, and Niskania complied. She was struck numb.
Within her
eyes' blue darkness, the stars above reflected like small galaxies confined.
She gasped and stared and, for a beautiful while, forgot all about fatigue,
sorrow and demise.
"It
took me a while to figure it out," Kristofa said, a large smile on his
face, "those lights you mentioned before, they're what Humans call
'stars'.
"Maybe,"
he continued, "now that you've seen them with your own eyes, you'll be
able to dream about them more often."
She said
nothing the entire night. Watched, in awestruck stupor, how the stars shimmered
until the break of fiery dawn and drowned within its otherworldly glow. She
would fall asleep on Kristofa's lap, with a large smile on her tired face.
He knew
she was happy, and he was happy for her. Whether this escapade would help her
dream in peace was anyone's guess – but, at least, he'd tried to help her, the
only way he knew how to.
He
stroked her hair for a while, wondering whether their lives would have been better
had she never turned him away when they were young. Chances were slim, though,
as he found Syrilae women not quite so attractive as Human women, who came in
such varying shapes and sizes that each one he chose was nigh a work of art
unto herself. He'd have cheated on Niskania, eventually, and this knowledge
felt like a sword driven through his heart.
He did
love her; but not the way she deserved, or needed.
As Niskania's
friend, he swore to himself never to betray her trust.
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