Theme 06: Kooga - Week 1

Oh my, is it time for a new theme already? How time flies <<

This week has been... productive. A random story somehow turned into a very rough first draft for TAoS, which made me squee with joy. It also lead to quite a hefty disagreement with one of my close friends who is writer as well. What was supposed to be a constructive comment really failed to impact me in that way, and rather crushed my feelings immensely. There's just something about telling a person who eats and breathes English that they get a free pass on grammar because English is merely their third language... Years ago, I would have cried and given up writing; now, I stare at such a statement with dumbfounded upset, and resolve to prove them wrong. I probably didn't handle it that well either since I got emotional, but at least it ended up forcing me to be honest about my own opinion on his novel (well, the first chapter anyway). I hope I'll get a chance to elaborate on these thoughts, especially since joining ProjectComment I do think I've gotten way better at critiquing, but I don't know. It'll all depend on whether he accepts me as an equal, and that I can put my own vision of 'good writing' aside and judge in a neutral way. I guess saying 'I'd scrap a lot' was not good critiquing on my part << I don't really know what else to do with about a dozen pages of dialogue that don't flesh out the characters or move the story forward at all. I don't know how I could phrase it to not come across as an arrogant bitch << (or whether I'll ever have to, but time will tell).

Also, I've been able to move another character story forward... after formatting its nearly 150 pages. I'd been stuck on it for ages, and it took five pages of additional info to finally reach a working plot point that allow for events to have a reason to happen, and for me to flesh out the continent's side-situations in such a manner they form a base for the rest of the story. I'll probably go and work some more on that later :)

For now, onto the next theme! And I have dubbed him...

Kooga

Yeah, he hates his name too.

Who is Kooga?

Kooga is so many things I sometimes lose track/worry it makes no sense/wonder how he even exists. What matters to me is that he is one of my absolute favorite characters because I've made his life such a living hell the motherly instinct in my wants to hug him until all his pain goes away (in case you can't tell: yes, I'm using laughter as a defense mechanism for his sake. Crazy writers and their creations, y'know? <<).

On a more serious note, Kooga is the son of Kassandra, a character who may appear at a later date in this blog: she's an important character in more ways than one, and so is her son Kooga. The boy inherited at birth a set of powers far too great for him to handle... and a resentful mother who will make his life hell aside from trying to kill him on several occasions. Because of this horrific mother, Kooga grew up with a very distorted view on love and what it is supposed to feel like.

And, one day, a stranger will offer him change and salvation, which Kooga will refuse. Love for his mother, believing himself unworthy of anything good, will lead him to send this stranger to his death and thus set into motion events that will ultimately lead to the end of the world.

Kooga and the novel

It's tricky to reveal much of anything, as Kooga stands on the same level as Aneskia: they are the most important protagonists of TAoS, in opposing ways. Kooga is a force of good and evil beyond proportion; and, in this novel, I'd like to get to show more of his good side, and the conflicting emotions and powers at play in his heart. I like to say he's a good kid who's had some bad influences and thus behaves in a bad way, without truly meaning to. However, there is no denying that part of him enjoys to inflict pain and hurt, so that others may share in his fate.

As it stands his fate is unwritten. In fact, the fate of the entire world is unwritten, and what happens with him will have an undeniable impact on the world's future. ... I kinda want to write my story just to discover what happens. << XD

And that is all for this section ^^ until next week!

Nightmare

I don't often have nightmares, and this one woke me up a half hour ago.

I dreamt I was at my parents' (which, incidentally, was the case yesterday, and has to happen today as well). It's an apartment on the second floor. I was looking outside and saw the street had collapsed a bit before the building. I turned to tell them that, and by the time I looked again, the entire street had collapsed. Then, the sidewalk collapsed. On the other side I saw five blonde kids at the large window of the first floor, and one decided to kick their brethren - to play, I'm sure, but it resulted in the four kids falling to their deaths. A couple more kids came at the same window to see what'd happened, and just... looked, like they didn't understand.
Then came the hail: I don't know how I knew, but it was 'diamond' hail - it pierced through the apartment above us. I tried to protect myself with a blanket, butnit helped little. I saw one of the kids get smashed by the hail still seeing his face bleeding as he died on his feet.
And then, the whole building suddenly collapsed: it fell down a few stories into the earth. We were still above it, and thought we needed to get out of there. And then, the earth gave way, and the entire building fell, fell, fell... I had time to think about the way I was going to die, likely burned to death by the earth's core.
And I woke up.

My heart's still racing, but it's calmed down a little. Everything still seems so vivid, so real. There had been no way for me to realize it was a dream, not until I woke up. And even then, I wasn't quite sure what had just happened. I'd been certain to die, likely horribly, and then I was back in my bed, awake. Scared. Traumatized is fair to say.

Hence why I needed to type it down, so my mind can let it go. I hope. I'm really not feeling okay this morning. I wonder if the dream somehow has anything to do with the situation at work exploding - I was there yesterday for groceries, and it seems their working world is ending as well. Quite in a destructive manner, too. Hmm. Food for though.

Theme 05: Kristofa - Week 4

My friends, what a week. As it comes to a close, I am left to reflect and ponder whether the choices I have made were the right ones, and what damage they might have inflicted.

On the other hand, I am clearly seeing the benefits for myself, and discovering what damage a different choice might have meant for me.

The one big thing I noticed yesterday is that the feeling someone was going to die next year, is gone. I still think it'll be a sad year, but the impact is far lessened. So, I can but assume that feeling had either something to do with future me, or that I was unconsciously already feeling so dead inside that it was an expression of this ill feeling.

Fact is: things happened that made the burn-out win, point blank. I am currently no longer employed. With this, I'm putting my ex-colleagues in deep shit for the summer, yet somehow they all seemed to comprehend my decision... because, as I discovered, they are all as fed up as me. Physically, mentally, I couldn't keep going. I still feel like I'm supposed to be there for my colleagues - but whenever I but linger on the thought of working there again, my head fills with screaming and mental wall-bashing. I can't do it anymore. I panic. I want to scream. I die inside a little more. And I didn't get a chance to explain anything to my manager, as he took things extremely personally (can I blame him? Nope. From his viewpoint, I'd have betrayed him). All I can hope for is that communication will have been set in motion. Without it, they're done.

So what are my plans? For now, dealing with the exhaustion. And, y'know... be creative. The rest will sort itself out in time.

And so here is the last week of Kristofa. As I've settled on next week's new theme, I've decided to share a piece of story that will initiate the transition.

Evil comes in many forms; even in the form of goodness.

Theme 05: Kristofa - Week 3

It's been an interesting week. Most importantly: my departure from my job has been made thoroughly official. For some reason, the firm wanted to give me a 10-month contract; how, why, what, I don't know, but I discussed the matter with my manager and it was lowered to 4. At least, it's supposed to be; if the contract isn't the one I want when I go to work and sign on Tuesday, that'll be that. Much as I'd prefer it that way because I'm drained&done, I can't abandon my colleagues during the summer. After that, though, I will be free. Unemployed, but free to pursue my life again. This is not a job I want to continue.

And, I do have a job application on Thursday evening. I don't know what'll come of it - I don't expect much, as there's great competition, but the important part is to just take a step towards what I really want. I don't need to have a job to hop to at this point; what I need is a break from responsibility before I completely fall apart. I'm burned out. I can keep going nonetheless, but I'm simply burned out. End venting. XD

In better news, I started a natural treatment for body and hair. I've got a couple of syrups full of vitamins, and natural shampoo that's supposed to revitalize my hair. I figured it was time to love myself a little XD honestly, the one vitamin syrup has already proven it works. I've had tons of cramps in my right arm, and taking the vitamins helped me the day itself. My arm feels more relaxed, and I feel some energy returning. I think it was about time to help myself a little <<

Speaking of which, I got my ProjectComment responsibilities out of the way for the previous week and this one as well, so now it's time to make my lil' character post ^^

Kristofa: Origin Story

I will disappoint again this week: I don't remember how or why he got created. I really wish I did. For some reason, he must've been important enough to me (or, I'm thinking, Aneskia <<) that I decided to incorporate him into the story. Heck, there must be reason I created him at all. I think it may have been as simple as me needing a reason to explain that Aneskia could speak Human: she learned it from him. The truth of the matter will be forever lost I'm afraid... although, lemme try here.

I remember a particular event line in the roleplay that regarded Elshir (affectionately branded Rainbow Elves way back when, as we'd never come up with an actual name for them). One in particular that ended up in the Syrilae village, and was taken in by a kind, motherly Elf residing there. Why he got there I don't remember: he'd fled the war and my then-friend wanted to roleplay him and we somehow got onto the idea he'd have gotten there after getting away from a prison (where he'd met another Syrilae... this was one of the all-time bests roleplay scenes - in my eyes, anyway). So, this Elf took the Rainbow Elf in, and other stuff happened, and this was basically how I ended up creating Kristofa's (then-named Christopher) parents: the motherly Elf Martha, and the dark-skinned Syrilae Giounai, who would one day have a son she would name Christopher (which had no reason back then; later, I figured she'd been raised in a Human-ish way, around Humans). And, somehow, Kristofa evolved, because I had him being a friend of fatherless Aneskia, and one of the few to have met Kooga (who is an extremely important character, that I may or may not discuss... we'll see <<). These facts were certainly enough reason for me to transfer Kristofa over to my world, where he became a man of more depth... and more treachery.

What I couldn't do for him in the roleplay, I will be doing for him here. Somewhere in time, Giounai and Martha left the village, and left Kristofa in the care of one of Giounai's friends (which is common practice among Syrilae, but other reasons were at play). Kristofa doesn't remember his parents clearly; he doesn't even think much about them. He knows they had reasons to leave - good reasons, that will become even more apparent as time progresses. What he doesn't know, is that Martha and Giounai started a new family in a city far away... and that, through events out of his control, he will get a chance at meeting them, and face the inner demons he never knew he had.

I have several possible plans for him; as things stand, I don't know whether he will be an asset, or a liability (which is actually pretty interesting to me << XD). In this life, Kristofa has made choices that haunt his steady mind, and that he will in ways get to redeem by assisting his long-lost, never-known family in times that will only get more dire. Whether he will truly redeem himself, however, remains a question I am eager to discover the answer to.

Theme 05: Kristofa - Week 2

I just got done hosting a chat over at Projectcomment... DEAR GOD THE ANARCHY. But it was fun. Challenging, grueling at times for the slow typer I am, but fun nonetheless. I learned a few things about group management and accurate planning. ... I swear I'll do better next time << XD but, it was my first time hosting such an event! And it looks like I had the easier half XD; when I left, the chatroom was PACKED. Crazy packed. I think, for next time, I'll put a list of people in order of critiquing in the topic. So that everyone can tell who's next; it'll create less confusion, and people will know how long a waiting time they might have ahead of them. *nod*

Thing is, I didn't have so good a day today. Don't get me wrong: I had a good day having parents and parents-in-law at home to celebrate mother's day. But, I've been depressed all day. Truly depressed, not just blue. At some point, I just wanted to go in a corner and cry and be left the hell alone. I think mother's day got to me today. Because, heck, I'm not one yet, and it seems even less likely, with each passing month, that I ever will be. Added on top of workstress (and hormones starting to kick in e.e), I just want not to exist for a while. Probably why I'm not updating my work calendar, or any calendar for that matter: at this moment, and for the foreseeable future, I don't want to exist. Not to understand I want to die or anything silly like that - no, I just want to be forgotten for a while, left to my own devices, and allowed some ties-less, wings-spreading time on my own. I'm losing sight of me; I can't find me while others are looking for her as well. She's only going to come out if I'm the only one looking for/after her. It's a really strange feeling. A crazy-sounding feeling I expect << especially if I mention it feels like having a crying teen within yourself that's slamming doors shut and screaming at people to get/keep out XD
Uh, yeah. Don't mind me/us. It'll pass. Likely as soon as I get to quit my job, which is still several months away. Sigh.

Well. Let's not dwell on that for now. How about some writing? Yes, some super-duper awesome writing << and as we are on Kristofa's second week, I'll share a chapter of his life ^^

And I chose a sweet moment between estranged friends that gives a glimpse into Kristofa's mind, and heart. Enjoy :)

Theme 05: Kristofa - Week 1

I am honestly not in a good frame of mind right now. I had a workweek that can't be described as heavy, yet it broke me so damn much, even physically (I slept 4 hours yesterday due to waking up at about 4 with my right arm and shoulder completely numb; my chest area felt so weird I thought I was having some sort of heart attack - and yes, I know this sounds especially dramatic. I was scared). I worked 4 days, 1 day off, then 2 days, and the fact of the matter is: I can't do these hours anymore. I'm completely burnt out. I've been seriously debating with myself whether I should quit at the end of my current contract, which is half May. I honestly can't guarantee anymore I'll be able to handle the summer, considering I need more and more time off to deal with less and less workload. When I get my paycheck, I wonder: is this really all I'm working for? Money? And too little money at that?

So, yeah. Not a good frame of mind, as said. It'll pass, as always, but in the meantime I'm just trying to keep my head above water. The best moments at work are those that require some brain power. I feel excellent then. Meaning, I do need a brain job. I've got one to apply for, but I'll be waiting until tomorrow, as I have time until the 8th... I want to make the application as good as I can. Today, I cannot.

But enough wallowing in my own woe: let's check out others' woes XD I debated with myself which character to write about next, and ended up picking...

Kristofa

... portrait WIP from 2008. Best/only pic I have. ... the shame. @.@

Who is Kristofa?

Kristofa is a Syrilae man like most other Syrilae men: born in the village, raised by someone other than his parents; in time his powers stabilize and he takes to visiting the neighbouring Human town of Farren, where male hormones will take the better of him - with sometimes nearly lethal results.

But Kristofa had his eyes on another woman, who would turn him away and break his heart forgood. This wound never quite healed; even as this woman fell for another man and bore his daughter, Kristofa remained, close, befriending the child in time.

And, one day, he would betray her - and set in motion the end of his kind.

Kristofa and the novel

Kristofa will be a pivotal element in the story, as he is familiar with both the main protagonist, and the main antagonist. Through a series of events he ends up in a city ruled by a majority of elves, where he will discover more about himself, and the true threat looming over all of their heads. As it stands now, his true role is undefined, but his potential choices clear. Kristofa will always choose what is best in any situation - even if this means the death of innocent people. One life is a small price to pay for the safety of thousands more - and, on this, he and Devon will agree.

However, Kristofa is a rational man. He takes time to think, to assess situations. One life lost might just as well mean the destruction of many more. Decisions cannot be rushed.

And these decisions will be made all the harder as he encounters the city and environs' inhabitants.

I realize I'm not saying much about him. As said, he is a pivotal element in the story, and tied to all important characters in some way. This makes it all the harder not to give away too much of the story XD

And like always, if questions be... ;)