I've been having a difficult few days. Everything kind of culminated this morning, as I turned on my computer, then Discord, and realized one of my closest friend never replied to yesterday's asking of how she's doing, despite having been online for hours.
It had already started for me on Sunday, when I'd asked if she could proofread a feature post of mine. It's the sort of thing that takes not even five minutes, but she didn't have time. There was room for chatting, but not for helping out. This morning, things sort of made sense in my mind.
When you always try and be present for others when they need you, and you don't receive that in return: it hurts. A lot. Especially when you've always been present to spend hours talking about important things, but can't receive five minutes of their time. It's not that it's a requisite, of course; someone else might not be bothered. Or maybe I wouldn't have been bothered if I'd not been in a more vulnerable mood lately. In the end, it's of course not this friend's fault. I did learn from the past and thus let her know how I feel, whenever she ends up reading it.
But as much as I've learned from the past, parts of it still pursue me to this day. Things I, clearly, haven't dealt with yet. But I don't know how to. Hence why I write it all up.
I know I've mentioned before how I used to have this friend with whom the friendship died. Be it fact or my fears acting up, I'm seeing similarities with my current predicament. One friend not present enough, the other subsequently pulling away and finding other friends, ultimately leaving their first friend on the side of the road, alone, hurt. This is exactly how it feels - how it looks. The greatest difference of all is that this current friend has shown interest in me and my life a whole damn lot, which the ex-friend never really did. There was a lot of taking there; here, there's a lot of giving. Yet my mind is placing both friendships on the same line and making me panic.
I'm not good at dealing with feeling like I'm shoved on the sidelines. I suspect I never will be. It's what happens when you get bullied in school and made to feel you don't belong. When you finally do belong somewhere, and you feel like this is getting ripped away from you, you go a little crazy. It's to avoid this feeling that I also avoid making too many friends; but friendships happen nonetheless, despite my disposition.
It's already hard enough fitting in when you don't fit in. When you do meet like-minded people, you tend to cling. When they try and go live their life, you try and cling harder. Or, like me, you go cry in your corner over things you know are just in your head and that you can't get rid of.
Which is pretty funny considering my novel-to-be Fates is entirely about 'letting go'. There's a lot I've let go of, but some things obviously still pursue me. All I have is hindsight, which helps in knowing how not to act, but not in how to cope. Or deal. Or move on. The past's chains are heavy. I can't figure out how to get them off.
For all I know, I'll figure it out once my friend answers. After all, this is the first time I'm placed in this particular situation with her, so perhaps all it'll take is a discussion to know where I stand. I've already talked to her about my issues with jealousy towards other friends; but this is a different sentiment. Or, rather, it makes the sentiment clearer. I'm not jealous per se of other people: I'm jealous of the relationship that, in my eyes, seems stronger/closer than what I'm left with. Except I know it's all in my head.
Incidentally, I'm seeing great similarities between myself and my character Frank. A bit too much to my liking, as Frank is a terrible bully XD but it'd somewhat explain to me why I want to redeem him. At the same time, I don't want to fall into the tropes; to the people you hurt, you'll always be a monster, especially if the victim never quite recovers. That's something I'll want to explore. And I can't deny that it pisses me off to know some people in the story will like the person said bully becomes. To the victim I once was, this feels so unfair. Maybe the story is the reason I'm having personal issues right now. The emotions are tearing me apart.
All this said and done, I can't do more right now than back away from social activities for a few days and focus on the book. Maybe, once I no longer dredge stuff up through these characters, I'll be able to let go of a few things. Might just be that it's all temporary, but fear makes me think the worst.
Letting go of fear. Now that'd be something awesome. Every year I try and do just that, and always end up failing at some point. I should introduce Fear to Sorrow. Maybe they'd hit it off and leave me alone.
And with this mental image I shall bow out. Time to get some writing done. Two months left to finish my book before it heads for its editor.
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