The Self - Who am I to You?

My day started out pretty amazingly with this view of my backyard,

Then it got even better as a fellow writer shared some words of encouragement with me that I really, really needed to hear this morning. With the whole Patreon debacle, the entirety of my hopes for the future disappeared. When you no longer have hope, all that is left is a deep dive.

Were it not for this little pit of 'YOU CAN FUCKING DO IT' nestled in my heart and soul (and rationality kicking my ass for letting emotions get the better of me), I may just be giving up right now. And a part of me is. I'm grieving the loss of hope and having to build my perspectives for the future from the ground up again.

It's nothing I've never done before, and certainly not as hard and seemingly impossible as getting over a ten-year depression caused by daily bullying at an age (14-15) when you're basically supposed to be building yourself. I always think: I got through that, the rest is trivial.

But then I had a discussion with an ex-coworker from a few years ago, and I got so pissed off at the mentality - not him, as I know he's a good guy. There's a fine, but very real, distinction here. Just like with Patreon, you can hate the company, but understand the individual. And I got an inkling as to where the negativity comes from, anyway.

But why did I get pissed off? Because of the mentality that people without jobs are 'social parasites', and it'd be good to put these people to work in volunteer jobs - namely, right now, to clear out the snow for the old and the isolated. I actually like the thought, because it'd give these people a chance to get out of their own isolation and feel useful (a much needed sentiment). But I greatly dislike the idea these people are parasites - and this because, being unemployed, it puts me in this 'parasite' category.

Needless to say, words and opinions were exchanged, and I figured I'd just be honest about things when he said I probably felt targeted - it's true. I feel targeted because I feel for people in a situation worse off than my own, as I understand how horrible it is to be there. You're viewed as scum, as parasites,a s people who don't want to help themselves. More stigma won't make things better. So, yes, I get 'righteously angry'. I honestly sometimes wonder whether I'm still capable of 'feeling', so it's nice to be reminded now and again that I can. And what pissed me most off is how he beat around the bush, when he could have said right away: yes I'm a cynic and this is how I view things (which he eventually did).

In the meantime, more negativity got out into the world, and I now feel bad for this guy being trapped in such negative thinking. Because fuck you idealistic empathy *sigh* but anyway. Indirectly, I got to know he doesn't think of me this way. Which does make me happy, as I don't think of him as an asshole just for sharing that kind of opinion. I did at first XD but that was the beating around the bush. I like honest, straightforward people who say things as they are, and answer things straight. The rest gets under my skin (and now you know how to piss me off - please don't do it <<)

However, I find this conversation to have been enlightening. I'd thank him for it, but I'm worried he'd think I'm being a sarcastic bitch XD seriously though, the part that struck me as we finally got to the core of the issue and words were being truthful (=that he's a cynic), is something said before: that I felt personally attacked. Yes and no - no because I rather feel for people in my situation and can relate; yes because, well, yes, I am technically a social parasite, so it hurts when people I like share opinions that basically state they dislike people like me. At the base, I'm not a parasite by choice: I had an awesome job, the company went broke, I haven't been able to find a job I liked that much; then I had to take a job out of financial necessity, and to this day (two years later) I still have a bruise on my thigh from hitting a little door thing at the register that wasn't well closed and that I hit full force.

Every day I am reminded of how much I hated that last job (except for my colleagues). Every day I am reminded through this wound of what I had, what I lost, and what I fucking refuse to sacrifice ever again. Yes, I am technically a parasite, but in my mind I'm currently a monstrous beast that will destroy anything in its path towards the future I want. Which is kind of not a good way to be. With the Patreon thing, my being unemployed and perhaps soon kicked off welfare, and weeks-long insomnia caused by I imagine the financial stress, my self-confidence is at a very low point. I can barely motivate myself to write. But I will write, because that's all I'm good at. I can only live on the hope this book in the works will start helping with the finances - or be a huge success, though I prefer keeping my feet on the ground.

But, I saw today just how negatively I think of myself, as well. For all my growth, for all my drive, I am still very much prone to beating myself down and thinking myself not good enough.

In a way, I think I ought to be grateful the Patreon story ends. I tried, I failed, and what I take home is the experience and knowledge that,

1. I can stick to a schedule and write a lot more than I think

2. When creating out of a financial aspect, I am not doing what I should be doing

3. I'm a writer. That's my category. Always will be.

And, for some irrational reason, I still have the feeling 2018 will be explosively good. So lets hope that gut feeling's right. Because I'm also not feeling anything bad happening for the coming three years (or beyond, but that's still far away).

I will never be like other people; I will never find satisfaction in leading a 'normal' life. I don't want to regret. And I know that if I were to try and 'fix' my technical social status through expected means, I'd regret it for the rest of my life. I can't keep wasting time. And if people want to see me as a social parasite, then that's their choice; if they want to see me as a low-life once I fall off the face of society, then that's their choice. But I shouldn't, and can't, let others' views negatively affect me - rather, I prefer to try and positively influence them. And that's my choice.

Total self feelgood post, but sometimes those are needed XD I really have no idea where I'm going beyond getting my book ready, edited, and published. And if it weren't for the love of a good man who understands what it's like to chase a dream and succeed, we wouldn't be getting a chance at reaching for the crazy dream. I always think things happen for a reason, but it can take time to truly understand what that reason is.

All that said, it's time for me to go back to Fates. 20k words in a month is the goal, and getting some stories edited to share their first chapters publicly. People do amazing things all the time. I can't let a setback push me back into old thinking patterns, or keep me stuck there. Now I get to write for the love of it again. And maybe do some cross-stitching sometime soon. Haven't allowed myself such a break in a couple of years.