I'm having a lot of mixed feelings right now.
At first, there was a lot of hollowness; I was on Deviantart reading my messages after a week or more's absence. I'm part of a group that promotes commenting, and depending on your contribution, you get to submit your own art for exposure. I didn't quite know how to feel when I got a message back regarding my submissions that if I want to submit literature, I have to comment on literature; a logical trade-off, but one that was never mentioned to me; considering the fact 99.9% of art to comment on is drawn and that I'm much more of a writer than anything else, logic disappears in a puff of I-don't-care. I plan to mention to the admin, next time they message me, that I don't want to submit anything anymore, as I don't want to place myself in a position where I'll feel forced to comment to get comments. That's not why I joined that group: I just like to give feedback (and the last time I commented on writing, I basically got bashed by the writer for being an arrogant bitch... I can see how the writer'd have thought that. I can also not regret coming off as arrogant for trying to improve someone's writing). But as I am feeling right now, I just want to stop entirely with the group. I want to center myself back on me.
And that's where the mixed feelings come from, as then I just started feeling sad and weepy (hormones not helping). I've again had a couple of weeks of no art. It's nowhere how I mentally suffered last year, but I can feel I'm really at the edge of what I can handle of 'normal' life. One week's vacation does not turn around nine months of restless grinding. As it stands, I keep losing myself in numerous games - I've even wanted to start over several games. And I've come now to wonder: why. It's definitely easier than creating things on my own; I do love losing/immersing myself in other worlds (as long as the gameplay satisfies me as well); is it just that I'm not feeling whole at the moment, or is it again a sign that I'm disconnecting myself from the fundamentals of my being? And what are these fundamentals? Well, what I'm doing right now: writing (which, I'd like to note, was a lot easier to resume after nearly two weeks than what I feared). Giving life to characters, which I've been preventing myself from doing for the usual lack of time/I suck reasons (despite having a good drawing program, a wacom, and let's be honest some skill). Creating, in itself. The opposite of creating is destroying - which, I suppose, is completely accurate, since I tend to get more self-destructive when I get stressed and too immersed in 'normal' life (self-destructive being coffee indulgence, overbiting of my fingertips, overeating/drinking sugarry/fatty things,...).
In short: too much Daylight burns. Darkside needs to return.
This said, I'm aware I missed last week's deadline by basically a whole week << not for lack of wanting to, just for lack of... everything. I like to write this blog because I like to write it; it's good exercise, sometimes I discover new things while typing, and keeping myself (or trying to keep myself) to a schedule is a worthwhile challenge I'm definitely not always going to succeed at. What's worse though: falling off the horse and staying down, or take the time to heal the wounded leg and try again?
So this all said, let's move on to week 3 of the major topic that is Nalyn. And, tomorrow, I guess I'll have to write week 4 XD that'll put me back on track month-wise.
Nalyn: Origin Story
As with Aneskia, I thought it'd be nice to share how Nalyn came to exist in my headworld.
Back in my roleplaying days, I created many characters. Some lived, a handful died/disappeared forgood. Nalyn is one of those characters that lived despite the odds of his life XD he's had a very rough life from start to nigh-finish. I honestly don't want to get into the details of it (but I do promise much will be explained, in likely too detailed a way, in TAoS), so let's just say he's lived a life of abuse, both received and dealt, that was nowhere near as bad during the RP days as it's been since I reworked his history. One important character from his soldiering days fell away when the friendship with my Rp partner ended, and I found myself so fond of this character and of the race of elves he was a part of, that I decided to stay true to what felt right, and just changed the people he met along the way.
Oh my, what changes this brought about.
See, Nalyn was created at first with the very clear intent of breaking myself out of my gay-ew mode of thinking. I'd been raised this way. In itself, there's nothing wrong with it as long as it doesn't make you discriminate/hate people. At this point in life, I had one teen character that had very clear gay tendencies, to my utter shock, and who had a father he knew would freak out if he were to find out. So he hid. And was miserable. And somewhere in my brain, something was put in motion. With my rp partner having partially created this race of elves predominantly male and thus prone to gay tendencies and wanting to figure out more about things by roleplaying things out, that part of my brain took on the form of a burly guy with a large nose that decided he wanted to exist. And be into men (because no, in his eyes, that's not the same as being gay). Exclusively. And I was like: well, okay then. And thus Nalyn came into being. Haven't regretted his existence, ever.
I suppose this will come across as strange, since I'm a straight woman (who does look at breasts too, to bf's pleasure as I don't get jealous when he looks since I do too << XD), but Nalyn is the one who taught me that same-sex love is love. In the rp days, he was so in love with my partner's character that I felt personally touched by it. It was strong and genuine, and very clumsy since back then he was basically a mountain of brainless brawn. But it was love. And it changed my perception of same-sex relationships. I can't begin to enumerate how much I've learned from the characters in my head, crazy as it sounds; and what Nalyn taught me is that love, no matter for whom, is love, period.
And so the mountain of brawn created for the sole purpose of investigating the 'other side of things', to put it this way, taught me a very valuable lesson on tolerance of difference.
And I've repayed him by making his life worse after reworking it XD;
Well, it's worse in many ways, but better in the way that Nalyn has gained some depth. Yes, he remained a brainless mountain of brawn - to a point. And yes, there is still an event in his later life that plunges him into a figurative lake of liquor - but to a point. Somewhere along the line, Nalyn learns to exist for himself; he learns to value himself, to dissociate himself from a past that eventually no longer defines him. It doesn't mean he really wants to live - but neither does he desire to die. Nalyn lives; why, how, he doesn't know, and I hope to give him reason and, who knows, renewed hope/faith in many things by having him run into Aneskia, who is the incarnation of compassion. As her predicament will remind him of better days, so do I hope Nalyn's broken nature will remind her of someone important to her, and of her own eagerness to help people. But there's still a lot left unwritten that may change these situations, so we shall see...
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