19/05 - Thought

Today's bad: I got thinking.

Today's good: I get typing.

Which is hard after several weeks of keyboard silence. Work got a bit too intrusive, a bit too heavy, and I went into survival mode - which drastically cuts back on all creative processes. Even now, I'm not sure I want to be creative, while I know all too well that if I don't, I die. And I got thinking about life after getting pissed at myself for whining about past events. Then, I got thinking about the future.

I have a pretty good idea of where I'm heading. With this job in hands, I took a road for which there's no return. It's the one I'm supposed to be following, and the one I've asked for. My life's path, I suppose.

However, I'm not too clear on side projects - by which I mean, endeavours like art, and the book I want to write. Is it supposed to happen? Is it not? It seems to not be tied in with my life's path, therefore its completion is akin to a loose end. The problem is that I find little to no motivation to write, as I'm not being read. I need readers. I need enjoyers. I don't care in the least in being a 'famed' published author (though it'd be cool), just an appreciated one. I don't even want to make money off of it one day. It's not important. It was never important. What is important, is the message(s). It's the battle of humanity: the will to live, and the urge to die, and all the choices inbetween. It's one person's struggle to not lose themselves while their life falls to dust. It's so many things. And this, in itself, is important. Maybe that's what I forgot a bit while forcing myself to cover Isaru's story: what the characters want, and need to say - what I need to say. Or, rather, what I need to live. If I can grant myself the acknowledgement of one talent, it's the one to live many lives and learn from each, as I have done for over a decade.

Anyway. Let's see if I can get some story typing in.

Note to Future Self: she hath returned, for how long, we shall learn.