Theme 07: Nadieja - Week 1

This week has been somewhat of a rollercoaster. It's had deep lows, exciting highs, and after a great night's sleep only perturbed by a end-of-the-world dream ' (wherein, again, my parents' apartment building collapsed into the ground, but at least not through it entirely this time), life has resumed basically as it was last week. A bit better though.

Most notably, the issues I'd mentioned with my writer friend have been smoothed out - they got worse though before improving XD so much so I had to consider the reality that the friendship wouldn't recover. But, some explanations and clarifications (and, I must say on my part, some righteous anger <<) later, I feel as though the friend I've known and cared about is back. It makes me very happy. I prefer to move on in the same direction rather than having to take different roads.

The other notable event is that I applied for a job two days ago, went on an interview yesterday morning and got hired, then by the end of the day got unhired because I want to have a kid. See, this is something women shouldn't mention when they apply for a job; I didn't, as she didn't ask and in my situation (=not certain I can have kids) I deem it irrelevant, but as this was a store where I'd made purchases to boost fertility, the information got to her ears and she regretfully, apologetically, had to cancel my tryout. And I understood. I had an amazingly good interview, we got along super well, I even finished her sentences... but based on projections (that if I get pregnant at my age there could be complications and so forth), she didn't want to take the risk. Rather, couldn't afford to take it, as there's a lot of learning to do in thsi job, and it may all be for naught if indeed I get pregnant and indeed have complications... On my part, I'd feel guilty to have forced to get hired anyway and then indeed get complications. What I take away from this event is that my resumé now has the intended effect: I strongly emphasized my desire to help people, and that's basically what attracted her attention. And I hope to have shown her there are still motivated, positive people in this world... I think that's something she needed to know right now.

As I said: helping people. In a very broad, all-encompassing way XD

And that's basically my eventful week. Also had to go to the unemployment office (which went well, save she gave me one job offer that doesn't interest me in the least and is an hour away from here by foot+tramway!), went for groceries and ended up talking for an hour with an ex-colleague, and had heavy insomnia for three days. Today I feel rested and eager to return to my own endeavours.

And thus I move on to the next theme. I had a bit of difficulty picking one, as there are more characters I'd like to talk about but that I can't pick for the sake of keeping the story a bit vague for a while longer ;), so I eventually settled for:

Nadieja

Again, nothing better at hand than a sketch ;.;

Who is Nadieja?

Nadieja is the adoptive daughter of one of the Lords of the City of Malmern, Lord Gregoir Ashin. AT his death she inherited all of his possessions and his title, making Nadieja one of the most influential people in all of Malmern. She is the face of justice and diplomacy, and also the thorn in the other Lords' sides.

Before being Lady Nadieja, she was Nilja - an uneducated peasant child born to parents who abandoned her. Her past is riddled with wrong choices and bad decisions that led to an unwanted pregnancy and being arrested for theft and accessory to murder. Only her pregnancy saved her life, and after her pregnancy, it is the benevolence of Lord Ashin that secured for her a future she never would have dared dream or hope for.

So Nadieja hardened, learned of the world and the City she lives in, and became a force to be reckoned with. She strives every day to banish injustice and crime from Malmern; her past has granted her psychological insights that one day led her to make a decision that would change her life, and that of Malmernian's citizens...

Nadieja and the Novel

Her exact role to play isn't defined yet - she may just only make cameo appearances. The story will take Aneskia and Nalyn to Malmern, where they will discover more about the threats looming on the horizon - threats that Nadieja will have gotten wind of, though not as in-depth as she'd want. Depending on certain events that may or may not happen, Nadieja may get herself involved into understanding just how great the threat is.

She wrote herself naturally into this story once I realized I'd have to take it to Malmern. I've had her since my roleplay days, and she always struck me as an interesting and complex woman: head-strong, unyielding, yet also compassionate and, in some ways, flawed - her greatest flaw being the irrational terror she feels towards her twin daughters Hali and Amin (as a note: twins are very rare on this world, so I suspect there being some rumours/superstitions regarding twins that are based on potentially religious beliefs... Yes, there's still a lot to discover, even for me XD).

More importantly, her thirst for justice, actions she has taken in a past that relates to TAoS, made her an invaluable addition to the story. How and when I've yet to determine, but she'll be there, and she'll be important. She says so herself << XD

Theme 06: Kooga - Week 4

Boy am I gonna be glad when July rolls around o.- allergies have been killing my brain. I just want to crawl into a hole and hibernate for a while. Feeling very tired, very... meh-I-dun-care-about-anything. Been having a hard time keeping up with everything. It's one of those periods of time where doing anything seems like a huge chore (yes, I do think I'm chronically depressed XD might just be the weather that's still got to realize it's summer already). Anyway: feeling meh. Chances are I'll disappear on Twilight Princess for a while since I feel like I'd enjoy that, but not before at least making my weekly post. I've still got a lot to do this week, which I'll get to gradually.

So, week 4. I honestly don't know what else to say about Kooga XD I've basically said everything. I haven't decided yet which character will be next week's theme... I have so many headpeople, yet I don't know which would be interesting to talk about.

For now, I shall leave you with a cute moment, because I like to show Kooga's good side :)

Theme 06: Kooga - Week 3

It's been a busy week for me: practicing car parking, celebrating holidays, checking out MTG cards after what seems like years of neglect... I've got my driver's exam on Friday. Chances are I'm not going to do much of anything until then, though I did start writing chapter 2 of TAoS last week and plan to try and finish it this week. I also haven't gotten any reply from my writer friend (who seems not to have been on DA for a week!), so I had to make the decision to resign from being a critic for his novel. I actually postponed it for a week to give him time to talk to me, but it never happened. It saddens me greatly; at the same time, I can't spend hours on critiquing a story when I know beforehand my efforts won't be appreciated in the least. I can't work that way. Time is the most precious resource I possess, and the greatest gift you can receive from me: if you're going to waste my gift, you're simply not going to receive it.

This said, and to move away from the negative things of life: things are going well right now. My shoulder still hurts from overexerting it for over a year, my leg's still bruised from December (yes you read that right), and I'm as happy a camper as I can be because I feel like I'm going forward in life. Starting to share my stories was the best idea I've had creatively speaking; it forces me to try and write the best story I can, and through ProjectComment I manage to get some precious feedback to improve further. I won't be sharing fully finished chapters of the story, but drafts that will eventually get a further life of their own. For now, defeating my own fear of sharing stuff because I'm not sure it's accurate/my English isn't good enough is, in itself, an achievement to be proud of. I am proud of me. Just a little annoyed that, sometimes, I feel like I am The Destroyer: wherever I go, what has to break will get broken. Whether it's really the case is anyone's guess XD I just have the theories.

And speaking of destroyers: it's time for this month's origin story :D

Kooga: Origin Story

To understand how he was born (literally and figuratively), I have to explain a bit about his mother Kassandra. I'll warn you now: this may get very ugly, as she is the single most horrible character I have. She's a murderer, especially of children, who hates her own flesh and blood with such obsession that she's made his life a living hell. With this, you are warned, and may read on at your own risks <<

A long time ago I had a Vampire roleplay character named Nocturna who I had commit suicide. Why I did that remains uncertain to this day: I do believe it had everything to do with my depression at the time, as some form of symbolic death. I don't remember the character's personality - heck, I think she was a most basic extension of me, which makes the symbolism even more profound. Maybe I'd just wanted to 'kill' a part of me, the part that had suffered... And then I created Kassandra - whom, I'm certain, played a part in one of my friendships dying after several years. I was no longer the person suffering: I was the person with the character making everybody else suffer; and Kassandra took/takes great pleasure in causing pain.

Her backstory evolved a lot since those days: back then her childhood involved a horrible father who mistreated her... This backstory evolved to Kassandra being a horrible human being in her own right, be this fact influenced by an outside force no one had any control over. Her father was, surprisingly, a good enough man despite making some terrible choices. He was loved, and loved in return - and died at the hands of another man, Devon (whom I've talked about previously), whose jealousy took one day a turn for the worst. All that changed with the backstory is Kassandra's father own personality, which I discovered was far kinder than I ever believed. All the rest remained the same. It actually makes her childhood even more tragic, because she's ultimately the one who chose a life of 'evil'.

Cue a long time later, many events later: Kassandra is a Vampire, which enhanced her need for murder. She hates people, she especially hates little children and never misses an opportunity to kill them; but she also yearns for intimacy, in the simplest of forms: to be cared about. Vampires forget their previous lives, but something always remains of it: in Kassandra's case, it was a hatred of life, of herself, of others, and the forgotten affection of a father she lost at too young an age, in too brutally a fashion. Sometimes need becomes too great and it takes just the right type of personality to crack her shell somewhat... which, one unexpected day, led to a pregnancy. And that's where Kooga enters the scene.

Back in the roleplay days I had Kooga be born (in a far more brutal way that currently) because it was a logical follow-up to way too extensive obsessive behaviour on my part with one of my former friend's characters. Way massive obsession. I planted my teeth in that character and never wanted to let go (and I feel so sorry for that friend for having to cater to me way back when... like I said, it certainly all played a part in the friendship one day dying, since things evolved where my friend basically acted in the same way I did in those days). And then I obsessed on Kooga. I had his personality pretty well defined, surprisingly enough, and what little changed is that the father is different, and that he's not quite the force of evil his mother is. Basically everything built in those days disappeared (some of which I felt sad to alter because I did find him a great place to live back in those days, and he was somewhat happy D: ), and I discovered more about him. He's become a full-fledged character despite his young age - one I desperately wish to give a better life to, but I doubt fate will be so kind.

Kooga is one of my favorite characters. He's the one that triggers my maternal instinct: I just want to protect him from everything, from the world, from himself... yet I know I can't. I just love that kid so much because, despite how awful he appears, I know he's got a really good heart... He just barely gets a chance to show it, as life keeps on tossing issues his way that allow for but one response: anger; rage; destruction. And he's got the power to break the world apart. He's a key character in TAoS, one which I intend to write about in perhaps chapter 3 because I think it will enhance the story in the long run to show him and what I hope will be one of his better days. There's so much I want to say about him... But, more than anything, I just want to hug him forever.

Theme 06: Kooga - Week 2

Nothing worse than hitting the wrong keys and refreshing your page in the middle of a long comment >.< and I can't re-write it. @.@ so much for my ProjectComment requirements for today, I fear... I'm too disgusted to get back into it, and it's already so late... ugh. e.e

Long week, not much to say. Got some writing done, some arting done... And now I'm getting my blog done XD

It was very hard to find a segment to share, as there are some things I don't want to talk about yet. Eventually I settled on this fragment, which shows a bit of Kooga's nicer side... and his destructive personality.

Yes I decided to end it on a cliffhanger ^^

Theme 06: Kooga - Week 1

Oh my, is it time for a new theme already? How time flies <<

This week has been... productive. A random story somehow turned into a very rough first draft for TAoS, which made me squee with joy. It also lead to quite a hefty disagreement with one of my close friends who is writer as well. What was supposed to be a constructive comment really failed to impact me in that way, and rather crushed my feelings immensely. There's just something about telling a person who eats and breathes English that they get a free pass on grammar because English is merely their third language... Years ago, I would have cried and given up writing; now, I stare at such a statement with dumbfounded upset, and resolve to prove them wrong. I probably didn't handle it that well either since I got emotional, but at least it ended up forcing me to be honest about my own opinion on his novel (well, the first chapter anyway). I hope I'll get a chance to elaborate on these thoughts, especially since joining ProjectComment I do think I've gotten way better at critiquing, but I don't know. It'll all depend on whether he accepts me as an equal, and that I can put my own vision of 'good writing' aside and judge in a neutral way. I guess saying 'I'd scrap a lot' was not good critiquing on my part << I don't really know what else to do with about a dozen pages of dialogue that don't flesh out the characters or move the story forward at all. I don't know how I could phrase it to not come across as an arrogant bitch << (or whether I'll ever have to, but time will tell).

Also, I've been able to move another character story forward... after formatting its nearly 150 pages. I'd been stuck on it for ages, and it took five pages of additional info to finally reach a working plot point that allow for events to have a reason to happen, and for me to flesh out the continent's side-situations in such a manner they form a base for the rest of the story. I'll probably go and work some more on that later :)

For now, onto the next theme! And I have dubbed him...

Kooga

Yeah, he hates his name too.

Who is Kooga?

Kooga is so many things I sometimes lose track/worry it makes no sense/wonder how he even exists. What matters to me is that he is one of my absolute favorite characters because I've made his life such a living hell the motherly instinct in my wants to hug him until all his pain goes away (in case you can't tell: yes, I'm using laughter as a defense mechanism for his sake. Crazy writers and their creations, y'know? <<).

On a more serious note, Kooga is the son of Kassandra, a character who may appear at a later date in this blog: she's an important character in more ways than one, and so is her son Kooga. The boy inherited at birth a set of powers far too great for him to handle... and a resentful mother who will make his life hell aside from trying to kill him on several occasions. Because of this horrific mother, Kooga grew up with a very distorted view on love and what it is supposed to feel like.

And, one day, a stranger will offer him change and salvation, which Kooga will refuse. Love for his mother, believing himself unworthy of anything good, will lead him to send this stranger to his death and thus set into motion events that will ultimately lead to the end of the world.

Kooga and the novel

It's tricky to reveal much of anything, as Kooga stands on the same level as Aneskia: they are the most important protagonists of TAoS, in opposing ways. Kooga is a force of good and evil beyond proportion; and, in this novel, I'd like to get to show more of his good side, and the conflicting emotions and powers at play in his heart. I like to say he's a good kid who's had some bad influences and thus behaves in a bad way, without truly meaning to. However, there is no denying that part of him enjoys to inflict pain and hurt, so that others may share in his fate.

As it stands his fate is unwritten. In fact, the fate of the entire world is unwritten, and what happens with him will have an undeniable impact on the world's future. ... I kinda want to write my story just to discover what happens. << XD

And that is all for this section ^^ until next week!

Nightmare

I don't often have nightmares, and this one woke me up a half hour ago.

I dreamt I was at my parents' (which, incidentally, was the case yesterday, and has to happen today as well). It's an apartment on the second floor. I was looking outside and saw the street had collapsed a bit before the building. I turned to tell them that, and by the time I looked again, the entire street had collapsed. Then, the sidewalk collapsed. On the other side I saw five blonde kids at the large window of the first floor, and one decided to kick their brethren - to play, I'm sure, but it resulted in the four kids falling to their deaths. A couple more kids came at the same window to see what'd happened, and just... looked, like they didn't understand.
Then came the hail: I don't know how I knew, but it was 'diamond' hail - it pierced through the apartment above us. I tried to protect myself with a blanket, butnit helped little. I saw one of the kids get smashed by the hail still seeing his face bleeding as he died on his feet.
And then, the whole building suddenly collapsed: it fell down a few stories into the earth. We were still above it, and thought we needed to get out of there. And then, the earth gave way, and the entire building fell, fell, fell... I had time to think about the way I was going to die, likely burned to death by the earth's core.
And I woke up.

My heart's still racing, but it's calmed down a little. Everything still seems so vivid, so real. There had been no way for me to realize it was a dream, not until I woke up. And even then, I wasn't quite sure what had just happened. I'd been certain to die, likely horribly, and then I was back in my bed, awake. Scared. Traumatized is fair to say.

Hence why I needed to type it down, so my mind can let it go. I hope. I'm really not feeling okay this morning. I wonder if the dream somehow has anything to do with the situation at work exploding - I was there yesterday for groceries, and it seems their working world is ending as well. Quite in a destructive manner, too. Hmm. Food for though.

Theme 05: Kristofa - Week 4

My friends, what a week. As it comes to a close, I am left to reflect and ponder whether the choices I have made were the right ones, and what damage they might have inflicted.

On the other hand, I am clearly seeing the benefits for myself, and discovering what damage a different choice might have meant for me.

The one big thing I noticed yesterday is that the feeling someone was going to die next year, is gone. I still think it'll be a sad year, but the impact is far lessened. So, I can but assume that feeling had either something to do with future me, or that I was unconsciously already feeling so dead inside that it was an expression of this ill feeling.

Fact is: things happened that made the burn-out win, point blank. I am currently no longer employed. With this, I'm putting my ex-colleagues in deep shit for the summer, yet somehow they all seemed to comprehend my decision... because, as I discovered, they are all as fed up as me. Physically, mentally, I couldn't keep going. I still feel like I'm supposed to be there for my colleagues - but whenever I but linger on the thought of working there again, my head fills with screaming and mental wall-bashing. I can't do it anymore. I panic. I want to scream. I die inside a little more. And I didn't get a chance to explain anything to my manager, as he took things extremely personally (can I blame him? Nope. From his viewpoint, I'd have betrayed him). All I can hope for is that communication will have been set in motion. Without it, they're done.

So what are my plans? For now, dealing with the exhaustion. And, y'know... be creative. The rest will sort itself out in time.

And so here is the last week of Kristofa. As I've settled on next week's new theme, I've decided to share a piece of story that will initiate the transition.

Evil comes in many forms; even in the form of goodness.