Before I start, a word of warning: this post will largely deal with the subject of suicide.
I was not thinking of myself when I said it.
And it's a subject that, somehow, has come up often enough recently to have me need to talk about it. It started 'innocently' enough with purchasing a cheap movie called Unfriended where a girl commits suicide over a leaked video and then returns as a vengeful ghost (not a bad movie in its genre, actually). Not long after came onto the news the story of a 15-year-old kid who threw himself in front of a train because a picture of him had been leaked (and if I sound like I don't care - trust me, that's just a sound). Recently a good friend posted a poll on their DA with the question, "A girl recently ecouraged a boy to kill himself. He did. Do you feel she's criminally responsible for his suicide?". And yesterday, I watched the movie "Prayers for Bobby" where a kid ended up committing suicide because he wasn't accepted by his family and simply couldn't deal with it anymore.
Tonight, I had a dream where for some reason I ended up naked in a house with tons of youngsters and some had cameras and, just... yeah. I did walk around with head held high, but it was really uncomfortable nonetheless, with no one leaving me alone. The twist in my dream was that I called upon some of my characters for vengeance << which eventually relates to the topic because, in this dream, I told my character this: "I want vengeance; I want them to understand what they put me through, because this is the kind of thing that makes people commit suicide".
I was not thinking of myself when I said it.
It was a strange thing to mention, all the more so when I realized, after waking up, that everything had been a dream. For the little dream story, the character I'd been talking to about this was one of my nicest 'evil' characters who has hold over Desires. I guess she was a good pick to demand vengeance to.
Whenever I hear on the news that a kid killed themselves, it does something to me. Sometimes I cry; sometimes I just hate society. I think about the pressure the child must have faced, just as I think about the sorrow the family faces after the child is gone. No one ever sees this coming.
Suicide in itself is a highly touchy subject. I've had discussions about it with friends before, who think that a suicidal person is just weak, or selfish. They're not wrong, I think. But I also think that killing yourself demands a lot of strength to go against one's natural survival instinct. It is a last resort, when the weight of life has become so unbearable that you see no other way out.
Someone suicidal does not want to die; they simply want their suffering to end.
Who has never suffered to the point of thinking life had become worthless? That it'd never get better, that they'd never get better? That their family deserves a happy life without the burden that they have become? When you suffer from a mental instability that seems taboo in your community/society, how are you to seek help and support? When your thoughts revolve around a subject of finality that frightens people, how are you supposed to relate enough to others to even want to stay?
On a personal and open note: yes, I know how feeling suicidal feels. When I was a kid I got heavily bullied at school, which led me to being essentially an empty husk. I still remember the day I contemplated what it would be like to die. Two things, at this emotional yet rational moment, crossed my mind: one, however I looked at it, dying would hurt and I didn't want to hurt more; two, and most important, I couldn't do this to my family and friends. I couldn't. I knew it'd break everyone's hearts, so the contemplation ended there. Despite how much I kept suffering afterwards, I didn't contemplate it again. Yet, I know my parents still worried (and perhaps still do), so I'll be taking the opportunity to bring something else to this monologue.
And that is: yes, there are times when life gets too damn hard (in my opinion) that I think 'man, I just want to die x.x'. And I made it sound funny for a reason, which is: even if my brain thinks it's being serious, I know it really isn't. It's an acquired way of expressing stress and pointing out the fact, to myself, that something's off and that I need to take a step back. I don't read more into it.
The fact of the matter is, in my case: death, as an entity, has always fascinated me. I do strongly believe that it is this fascination, which I have given further form within my stories, that has led to my being able to cope with ancient depression and find within these darkest moments a source of inspiration that fits me. This understanding, partial as it may be, of one's reasons to wish for death is the main inspiration for my novel-to-be. Life experience, as bad as it is, can always lead to something better.
I'm one of the lucky ones who got to a more advanced age despite childhood's suffering. I do believe my brain was adversely affected by early depression and that it is in part the reason I'm more prone to feeling depressed. Does it matter? No; I just know it happens occasionally, and that eventually it wears off. While it's here I'll take the opportunity to delve into the darker sides of my world so I can emulate emotions better. In French we have two words for depression: 'dépression', which is the heavy kind of depression; 'déprime', which is the light side of depression that I'd translate as 'feeling blue'. It's the latter I most often feel, and when it does evolve to my feeling like the world's become too much to bear, I take a step back and analyze why I feel this way. Right now, it's just that I have so damn much on my plate and I've had health issues and that things have piled up, thus triggering a flight response (which, yes, is that dreaded 'I just wanna die x.x' response). So, today, I'm going to address a few things on my pile so I can relieve some pressure.
I know how to deal with myself - in light and dark moments. The truth of the matter, for me, is that I will always want to live, no matter how I may feel at any given moment. There is too much still to do, to see, to be - I've made my choices and will stick to them. There is never need to worry about me. I trust I will be fine, and therefore I will be.
For one such as me, how many who are unable to cope? Who struggle through life, never quite finding their rightful place? Who, even after they have emerged from the darkness still suffer from the stigma - viewed as people 'prone to be depressed and thus being sick', or 'prone to suicidal thoughts and thus needing monitoring and constant worry'? I've long felt guilty because my constitution isn't as good as someone else's, that I can't deal with having a job I hate because it depresses me... But, having now taken steps towards the future I want for myself, I find that these things were merely a sign that I needed a change in life.
If you feel depressed, stop what you're doing and ask yourself 'why'.
It may sound idealistic in our capitalistic world to hear 'just do what you want to do', but here's the thing: if you feel like crap and know why you feel thusly, doesn't it make sense on a survival level to take steps towards feeling better? Do certain people deserve happiness over others?
No: happiness is created by hearing yourself, and following what your heart says. Which doesn't mean things will go well; let's not be blind here: if you for instance quit your job because you're unhappy, chances are you'll fall into a different form of unhappiness from having financial issues. At the same time, you may feel happy to be free, and thus be able to bear the financial distress, knowing you made the right choice... and a positive attitude is bound to lead you to the places you should be.
Trading life for death is trading unhappiness for greater unhappiness.
Depending on your belief system, you may think that killing yourself will lead you to hell, or to reincarnate, or that you'll disappear afterwards. So why would you feel greater unhappiness?
I never said you'd be unhappy.
However, your family will be, your friends, colleagues, everyone whose life you've touched and changed in some way. Suicide is not something committed out of a search for happiness, but merely to escape unhappiness. In reality, you'll create even more unhappiness. But why should you care about others, when perhaps you feel like others don't care about you?
How can you be so sure?
When you're in a place of darkness, it becomes impossible to think beyond yourself - to even try and put yourself in someone else's shoes. Yes, it is a place of selfishness. A lonely place, somewhere only you can live in, that only you will know of. A place decorated by pain and sorrow that you'd think no one wants to see or understand.
You're not alone.
Though no one has quite the same life experiences, it is quite possible to relate to one another. Just as I mention that I understand the feeling of wanting your pain to end, despite my ancient pain having been caused by a situation uniquely tailored to me. Believe it or not, but I'd not exchange it - horrible as it was (to me), it led me to who I am today, whom is someone I love (despite certain lacking skills like uh housekeeping <<).
I know: my experience is my experience. It may not be useful to someone else. Frankly, if I were to tell these things to my 15-year-old self, I doubt she'd believe me. You know why? Because she was so trapped in her pain that she would never have believed that, eventually, life would get so much better. You have to live it to believe it. I've lived it, and can only believe it - while understanding that talk is easy and all, but taking any sort of positive action when you're sleeping at the bottom of your selfmade pit is nigh impossible.
You never know when someone might throw you a rope and help you out of there.
And you may only realize they've done so years later, when you think back on your life and realize how positive an influence someone has been in your life.
Life is precious.
Never throw yours away. When things get hopeless, find something to hang onto. For me, it was videogames and Dragons. For you, it may be books, cooking, even just a delicious cup of coffee and tea. Enjoy life. Every tiny little positive bit of it. Those bits are reason enough to be alive, and to look forward to the rest of your life.
There's certainly a lot more I should have said, or would like to say, but as you can see I slightly deviated from the main topic to go onto a 'positivity rant' (because let's make some fun of oneself after such a heavy subject). This is actually a trait of mine that, after reading all of this, I come to believe I always had in me. I believe we all have these kinds of positivity in us, that can help us forward, in our own way. Whether your positive trait is 'compassion', 'dedication', 'intellect' or something else, have it be your guide when life falls apart around you.
And on this note, I feel like a second cup of coffee. Going to savour that one.